Michelle's Raw Journey:
2004

Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com
(not a clickable link to avoid spammers)

January 1, 2004, Thursday (Test Day)

Weight - 310 lbs 
Banana
decaf iced tea

(went to War Eagle Mill "Bean Palace" for lunch)
1 1/2 pcs cornbread (not raw)
broth from bean soup, a few beans (not raw)
1/8 c. cole slaw (not raw)
12 oz caf. iced tea
12 oz caf. coke
8 oz. caf. iced tea

orange
1/2 c. mixed raw nuts/raisins
pear
apple
decaf. iced tea

3/4 grapefruit
 

February 1, 2004, Sunday (Day 31)

banana

orange

1 c. raisins

6 oz water

1 corn on the cob - lightly steamed

banana

8 oz water
8 oz water

orange

Fuji apple - peeled

3 c. (in-shell) mixed raw nuts (we bought a bag to crack ourselves)

glass of decaf. iced tea

Large potato - Microwaved 4 minutes
1 c. frozen corn - Microwaved 2 minutes
2 green onions
4 cherry tomatoes
1 c. reheated soy taco mix - Microwaved 2 minutes
Pepper
glass of decaf iced tea

Yea, I know - I had processed food (soy taco mix) today, and I didn't even really want it. I saw it in the freezer, leftover from the other day when I cheated. So I just added it to my potato. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but it wasn't worth it. Really want to avoid ALL processed foods, whether they are vegetarian and low fat or not....Feel yuck, guilty, fat.

11 oz water

banana
8 oz water

Salad Bar at Brioso Brazil (2 trips):
romaine, spinach, mixed greens, black olives, jumbo green olives, cherry tomatoes, cashews (roasted), raisins (seemed "sugared"), sun dried tomatoes, green pepper, red pepper, yellow pepper, bite of asparagus, bite of heart of palm, bite of artichoke, celery, carrot, fat free blueberry poppy seed dressing 
Oh my gosh, that dressing is the BEST I've had in a long time. I'm going to try to make it myself as soon as I get a juicer.
32 oz water

This was a very good test for me. Brioso Brazil is an American Churrascaria, where there's a carver service, with men walking around with swords of top quality meats, and the desserts they serve are out of this world. I stuffed myself on the fantastic salad bar, and actually quite enjoyed watching my colleagues pack away the meats, the potatoes, the wine, and the rich sweets. Quite suddenly, as so often happened when people eat the Standard American Diet, their binge ended with uncomfortable and glazed looks that said simply, "I'm stuffed."

March 1, 2004, Monday (Day 60)

2 months today. Wow, seems longer. Feeling very unhappy with my progress today. Have to be honest. Really wanted to be a lot smaller by now. I know I've come a long way, but it seems like such a major change that I've committed to, so I want my body to hurry up and reward my efforts. 

6 oz water
banana
orange

1 c. trail mix
4 oz water

Organic Strawberry fruit leather (commercial bought)
glass of decaf iced tea

Had my lunch at home today; took it out on the back deck. It was absolutely beautiful out. It really feels like spring; sun shining, breeze, birds singing, I even saw a butterfly today, already! What a wonderful way to eat lunch. Outside in nature (our backyard opens to the woods and lots of wildlife). A large red-headed woodpecker came up to one of my feeders, about 5 feet from me and ate he bird pudding along-side me eating my food. I had just read something in David Wolfe's book, The Sunfood Diet Success System, about how he puts his water outside in the sun before he drinks it; and how he thinks we all need 30 minutes of sun a day (on the raw diet, our body creates a natural UV protection, which is actually harmed by using commercial sun screens). So I had my glass of water sitting on the deck sunning (only for the 10-15 minutes I was out there, and I was drinking it at the same time, but it was fun to pretend to do what David does). And I was breathing and really tasting my salad, the sprouts, the sunflower seeds, and feeling the warm sun on my face. It gave me energy and happiness, which he says the sun does. Gives us energy and helps with depression. 

Salad: romaine, celery, sprouts, radishes, cherry tomatoes, raisins, coconut, green olives, sunflower seeds, small amount of mixed nuts, 1 T. low-fat Italian dressing, pepper
16 oz water

orange

Mixed veggies (steamed for 15 minutes): frozen corn, frozen peas, green beans, potato, carrots, green onion, pepper, salt, 1/2 t. low-fat Italian dressing mixed in for flavor
8 oz water

Then, for some reason, maybe because I knew I was going to be going to weigh in, I overate on nuts. What is it about nuts, that I just have no moderation? I think I need to not get nuts again for a while, and get my protein from other sources. I'm not able to eat nuts without overeating, or eating them like chips. 

1 1/2 - 2 c. mixed nuts
1 c. raisins
8 oz water

Went to Linen's N Things tonight after work and bought the Joyce Chen Spiral Slicer. Really excited to try it out, but don't have a zucchini, will try it tomorrow night.

Weight - 281 lbs - total weight loss 29 pounds

10 olives
1/2 c. nuts
orange
1/2 c. raisins
small bowl banana nut ice cream

I made up the Banana Nut Ice Cream recipe and MAN was it good! GREAT dessert! Even Boni was impressed and wanted her own bowl. 

I took photos of myself tonight. Wanted to do it at 60 days, but I couldn't get it together enough to wash the clothes I wear to take the pictures in. 

Weird thing, starting to feel mucousy in my throat --- I'm denying that it's from allergies, but Boni says it sounds like it is. I keep thinking it's because I'm overeating my nut pates and all the nut recipes I make. Could be. I mean I know I feel better in general when I eat more salads, and less pates and spreads. 

April 3, 2004, Saturday (Day 93)

I'm so exhausted today. We had to get up at the crack of dawn to get the pups over to their puppy daycare, since we were going to Fayetteville for an all-day workshop by Viktoras Kulvinskas. I had had a really long week at work and was really emotionally and physically drained, not really in the mood for a workshop, but knowing I was of course going to go. 

Without doing a huge thesis on the workshop, I'll just say that it was from 9-6, at Nibbles in Fayetteville, I and another Raw Ozarks member brought more snacks for people to enjoy (thanks Deborah for the Raw Hummus, Flax crackers, and Chewy Apricot Cookies), and there was a lot of learning going on. There were food demonstrations, and a shared leisurely meal at lunchtime, and lots of talk about raw foodism and overall health awareness. My favorite part of the whole day was the connection I made with fellow raw foodists. People were so excited about raw gourmet food and the fact that my site listed all of the wonderful recipes we had Friday night and Saturday day. 

Boni got sick from poor food-combining (sauerkraut not good to mix with other things) and we were both unbelievably exhausted, tired like we've never been before. It was really strange, but we decided at 4:30 (an hour and a half before the workshop was to end) to leave for the day. We were drained and needed to take care of ourselves. 

Here's what I ate during the day, since I pretty much just snacked all day. 

20 oz water
banana
1 c. strawberries

1 Chewy Apricot Cookie
1 honey Mustard Zucchini Chip 
1 Chocolate Cinnamon Cookie
10 potato chips

orange
Fuji apple

a bite of each recipe Viktoras prepared (peanut cracker, sprouts, spinach salad with various dressings, have a heart pizza, seed cheese, sauerkraut, after-dinner-mint cracker

banana
16 oz water

1 c. macadamia/cashew nuts

Redmond Milkshake (whole pitcher myself)

1/4. c raisins
2 Tbl almond butter

April 4, 2004, Sunday (Day 94)

We slept in til 10 am. We needed it. 

I think it's something cosmically going on, cause it seems there's distress, turmoil, sadness, and a great fatigue that's spread around us, and I mean all of us, not just us in this room. I'm not sure why I feel that way, I just saw a lot of people looking really "tired" yesterday, I mean just "tired." Emotionally drained, physically exhausted, like we need a rest along our journey. I know I do. And I'm not giving it to myself, so I am saying it here, so I will remember this and do something about it. I need to rest. 

My body is detoxing again, ridding itself of emotional garbage, physical garbage, years of poor diet, self-abuse, anxiety, depression, just overall not taking care of myself, not loving myself enough to take care of myself. That needs to change, otherwise this Raw diet is for nothing. It all has to go together. And so I'll be gentle, and not so hurried. I'll forgive my imperfections and accept them as part of my journey; without them, there'd be no journey to go on. And I like this journey. 

Ok, that was random, back to your regularly scheduled program ---- 

orange
glass of decaf iced tea
2 tbl almond butter

Created a new recipe --- borrowed an unknown author's base of the alfredo sauce, but had to change it cause I didn't have Pine Nuts. Then I used a vegetable peeler to make the fettuccini out of some zucchini - it makes the "noodles" flat like fettuccini. Boni absolutely freaked out loved it. She doesn't care for red sauces, which are my favorite, so whenever I make spaghetti sauce, she turns up her nose at it. Not this. She felt like she was sitting at the Olive Garden, dipping her breadsticks in that yummy alfredo sauce, but without the guilt!!

small bowl of Fettuccine Alfredo with 1/2 Tbl marinated mushrooms and some dried parsley to garnish

Created another new recipe --- Boni was outside working on the front flower bed and it was actually getting hot outside, so I made her a Lemon-Lime Slush. I used to always run down to Sonic to get her a Limeade Slush thing, and since we don't do that anymore, and Summer's coming, I figured I'd better think up some kind of a thirst-quenching drink. This was it. She liked it a lot, though I think it might have been a tad tart for her. 

carrots, 1/2 c. a mish-mash nut pate I made up

2 Tbl almond butter (can't get enough of that almond butter)

banana

1/2 large Fuji apple

1/4 c. raisins

2 Coconut Macaroons

April 5, 2004, Monday (Day 95)

11 oz water
banana (not ripe enough, but all we had)
orange
11 oz water

Stomach growling loudly, ready for a snack. 

banana

Brioso Brazil for lunch with colleagues:
2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, leafy greens, red/green/yellow bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, green olives, raisins, cracked pepper, cashews (roasted/salted, not raw), sunflower seeds (roasted/salted, not raw), fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing

Boni told me tonight that I use Brioso Brazil as a "legal cheat." I go there specifically cause I want the roasted cashews and blueberry poppyseed dressing, neither of which are the worst things I could eat for my 20% cooked, but technically I shouldn't be eating them. I thought that was funny, you know why? She was right. I DO go there cause I want to binge a bit on those yummy cashews, and we won't buy them for the house, only raw, and now they get soaked and dehydrated right away. Oh well, I certainly am not going to beat myself up for having some roasted cashews every so often. I could do worse things for my Raw body. (I'll write something later about another funny thing Boni says to me, that one regarding when I'm beating myself up for eating something not so healthy, or indulging in too many nut-type foods.)

carrots with a nut pate, 1 stuffed mushroom (kinda made up a recipe, not good enough yet to put on the site, but the gist of it is a basic nut pate dolloped inside a carved out large standard mushroom (not button, the bigger ones), then sprinkled with dried parsley and dehydrated for a few hours to slightly "seal" together.). 

1/4 c. mixed nuts (soaked and dehydrated)

2 Tbl almond butter
4 olives
glass of decaf iced tea
Coconut Macaroon

April 6, 2004, Tuesday (Day 96)

2 bananas
8 oz water

My colleagues went to Applebee's for lunch today. I don't like the selection they have for vegetarians, especially raw vegan vegetarians, so I chose to stay at the office at eat my lunch. 

Small salad: romaine, leafy greens, spinach, 4 cherry tomatoes, 4 olives, raisins, walnuts, 6 carrots, pepper, 1 Tbl low-fat Italian dressing
glass of decaf iced tea
orange

2/3 c. banana chips

Tonight, Boni had class and we had a meeting at work to get prepared for, so I stayed late to work. My colleagues decided they were going to Shogun for dinner and asked me if I wanted to go. I had never been there before (Japanese Samurai-like Chefs). I figured being that it was Japanese they would have vegetable plates that I could get, I was hungry, it's important to join my colleagues on special occasion dinners, the president was in town, Boni wasn't going to be ready to be picked up from school until late, and honestly I wanted to experience that type of dining experience - so I decided to go. I figured the worst thing would be I'd have stir-fried vegetables - I am only 80% raw after all. Does it sound like I'm justifying my experience, or what? 

Anyway, right away on the menu, it said Fresh Vegetable Plate. Well there you go. That's what I ordered. I didn't eat any of the appetizers they ordered, not that I would have anyway --- I never liked salmon and tuna and sushi rolls. Before it even came out, I had decided I wouldn't have the soup, but I'd have the salad. But once the soup came out, and I saw that the miso soup was basically broth with a few chives and mushrooms floating on top, I decided to have some. It was good, but strange to drink hot liquid, since I hadn't had soup or heated food in 3 weeks. I drank about half of it, then ate about half of the salad. (Did I mention that was my first time trying Miso? Another thing to add to my "highlights" list.) All the salad was was some iceberg (ew) and a ginger-type dressing (not sure what all was in the ginger dressing). It tasted good and I ate it, though the iceberg is a real turn-off now that I've grown accustomed to romaine and leafy greens. It's almost bitter or something. 

1/2 bowl Miso soup
1/2 bowl salad with ginger dressing
8 oz water

The Samurai chef put a huge amount of fresh vegetables on the stove-top (whatever you call that thing he's cooking on) and I got very excited. That was exactly what I was wanting. I did have some cloudiness in my thinking, though, because I knew I should interrupt him and ask him to just give me the veggies before they ever touched the stove. But honestly, I don't like eating broccoli and onions raw, and zucchini without some dip, I prefer steamed (or stir-fried). But then when I saw him make a hole in the middle of the pile of veggies and drop a big slab of butter, I immediately became anxious. My colleague saw this and asked if I wanted her to stop him and just give me the veggies without butter. I said yes, thankfully. He looked shocked and concerned that his food wouldn't taste right, or that I was interrupting his "show," but he did put a scoop of lightly stir-fried, non-buttered veggies on my plate. I wished it had been a bigger scoop, but I felt as though I was already causing enough of a commotion, with the rest of the table noticing this interruption. 

1 c. LIGHTLY stir-fried fresh vegetables withOUT butter (onions, mushrooms, squash, broccoli, carrots) 
8 oz water

It was absolutely delicious. Every so often I'd dip a veggie in the soy sauce dish in front of me, and I was in heaven. Very good food, no butter, very crispy (because it had not been stir-fried but for a moment, so it was just barely warm and tender). I gleefully ate all of that up and was still hungry for more. I was kicking myself for not having asked for more of the veggies before they had been absolutely destroyed in butter and "fire." But I wanted more, regardless. I was hungry. So after he had passed out all of the veggies and there was a small scoop left, he offered it to me, cautiously --- not sure if I would be interested in it after it had been cooked and buttered. I accepted the offer and within a few minutes of eating this second portion, I wished I hadn't. Why did I take something that 1.) had been stir-fried the hell out of, 2.) been soaked in butter, and 3.) shared the stove-top with pork, beef, fish, shrimp, lobster, scallops, ugh, and who knows what else? Major regret here. 

1 c. seriously stir-fried fresh vegetables with butter (ick!!!!)
8 oz water

By the time I got in the car to go get Boni, I was feeling really bad. My stomach was tight, my body was warm and achy, and my head had started to get thick and headachy. Once I got home, I headed straight for the bathroom. I threw up, but it was all clear liquid, which technically isn't throwing up. I sat in the bathroom a while and then came out to get a drink. I wasn't exactly full, but I felt bloated and fat. I use the term fat not in a derogatory way, but more as a reference to how big, heavy, thick, tight, expanded, and out of wack my body feels. It's like I'm wearing a thick layer around my torso and it's tough to move, whereas when I eat a nice big raw meal, I feel lucid and free, very in touch with my body. 

Boni suggested I take the sample of Digest digestive enzymes we had received from Mary's Natural Foods store in Rogers a few months back. Normally, I would scoff at such an idea, not believing I need to be taking any type of supplement or tool to aid in digestion. Tonight, I hurriedly choked down the two tablets.......

10 minutes later I felt fine. Now, if any of you know me, you know I HATE to admit when something works that I had previously said, "I don't believe in taking [fill in the blank]." I'm laughing as a I write this, because I'm SO that way. I hate to admit when I'm wrong. I also hate to admit that I felt better after eating a cooked meal. I really like to stay with that awful feeling in order to remind myself why I don't want to do things like that to myself. But I just felt way too badly to NOT take the enzymes. 

About an hour later, I was hungry again, not having overeaten at dinner, just having eaten the wrong things. 

1 Tbl almond butter
glass of decaf iced tea
1 Coconut Macaroon
1/2 c. mixed raw nuts

April 7, 2004, Wednesday (Day 97)

5 Almond Coconut Macaroons (not the best way to start the day, but I shared them with my colleagues at work)
glass of decaf iced tea

glass of decaf iced tea

It seems my normal routine gets very altered when my colleagues come in from out of town. I don't have much success with my normal morning banana and other fruit, water, and then whatever else I usually have through the rest of the day. 

Lunch with colleagues at O'Charlie's: 
Salad with lowfat Italian dressing (asked for it on the side, but she smothered it instead) 
Steamed veggies (broccoli, squash, and carrots, with surprisingly NO butter, wow! it actually tasted like veggies - pretty darn good for a restaurant)
16 oz water

orange
glass of decaf iced tea

1/2 potato, cut into slices using the food processor --- dried rosemary for seasoning --- steamed for 20 minutes

To be quite honest, it wasn't very good. I think the idea of a "baked potato" is better than the reality of it. I used to love baked potatoes, or steamed potatoes, but lately I think I've eaten so little cooked, that it's stopped being so appealing to me. That's a good thing. 

Redmond Milkshake (minus the fresh young Thai coconut)

Had to use shredded coconut and it just wasn't nearly the same. 

April 8, 2004, Thursday (Day 98)

banana
orange

6 fruit leathers (that's strange, why I ate so many, even though they are only 2" x 4" each)
glass of decaf iced tea

large Fuji apple

I'm not peeling the apples anymore, which is major progress. I didn't like the peel part, felt like it got stuck in my throat but it's not anymore, or I'm used to it. I even can eat apples without cutting them up, which is major progress also. It used to be too hard for me to bite into an apple, like it hurt my teeth or something, and I felt like gagging. But not now, now it's actually kinda fun to just take a huge bite out of one. But this only works for me if they are crisp. I can't stand mealy apples. 

Rawchos (minus the refried beans and plus lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cilantro)

I added the other half of the leftover potato from last night to it, thinking somehow that would taste good, but boy was I wrong. Rosemary potatoes on a Mexican dish is NOT good, in case you were thinking of trying that - haha. I only ended up eating about half a plate of the Rawchos, guess the combination sort of ruined it for me. You know what else is weird, everyone I know LOVES flaxseed crackers. I can eat them in moderation, but something about the unground flax (soaked but not ground) grosses me out, it's like eating a pile of seeds --- I can barely get them down my throat, without thinking gross thoughts. I think for me, I'm gonna have to start grinding the flax before I use them in my recipes. For everyone else, I'll just keep soaking them, without grinding them, since it's obvious they all like them that way. The ONLY cracker I can eat is my Mexi-Chip recipe, and that's cause the amount of liquid in the recipe makes the cracker very light and thin, much easier for me to eat. 

6 strawberries

Strawberry Chocolate Banana Nut Smoothie (what the hell was I thinking, that is NOT a good combo - yuck - made a whole pitcher full, and drank about 8 ounces, pitched the rest - sometimes I'm a good chef, and others, not so much!)

5 olives
1 Tbl almond butter

Made a new granola recipe, just sorta throwing things together (sweet potatoes, soaked oat groats, coarsely chopped pecans, almonds, and cashews, maple syrup,  vanilla and a lot of cinnamon). Turned out pretty good, not sure how I feel about eating sweet potato granola, but it's just in my head, cause it did taste pretty good. I mean I've never thought of potatoes as a breakfast food, but it seemed like a good base to make it out of...and besides sometimes cookie recipes have butternut squash as the base, and that tastes pretty good.  In case anyone is wanting to try this themselves and are waiting for the rest of the instructions, I refrigerated the mixture for about 12 hours to get it a little less watery, then I spread the mixture on teflex sheets and dehydrated it for about 36 hours, which made it nice and crunchy. Once it was really crunchy, I just broke the sheet of granola into smaller pieces, sorta like Nature Valley Granola Bars (one of my favorite SAD granola bars, that are SO bad for you, but taste SO good - it's all the crap they put in them that makes them taste good --- I used to think, "Hey, it's a granola bar, must be good for me." Wonder how many other people, mothers included, think that way.) I figure this granola recipe would be good to add raisins to it and some almond milk for a granola cereal. I wonder if it would immediately turn to mush, since it's dehydrated and not baked...Hmm will have to try it if I can get myself the stuff I need to make almond milk. My neighbors are enjoying the jar of granola I brought over to them though.

April 9, 2004, Friday (Day 99)

Forgot my fruit basket on my kitchen table this morning (yea, I'm a dork - I bring a fruit basket every day to work, with selection of bananas, oranges, apples, fruit leathers, and other types of raw snacks to eat til lunch and til the end of the work day), so I didn't have anything to eat until lunch. I could have left work and went over to the Produce Barn, but I was being lazy. By lunch time, I was hungry and ready to eat. 

glass of decaf iced tea

1 c. mixed raw nuts
Salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, raisins, cherry tomatoes, walnuts, radishes, 1 Tbl low-fat Italian dressing, cracked pepper
glass of decaf iced tea

2 Coconut Macaroons (one lemon and one orange, from my neighbor's house)
glass of decaf iced tea

1 c. mixed raw nuts (second cup today, ate too many nuts today, strange things happen to me when I don't eat on a regular basis, like skipping breakfast, it's almost like my mind or my body wants more of the not so healthy foods. I don't know, could be just me.)

bowl of boiled Vegan Vegetable Bouillon broth with mixed vegetables (peas, corn, carrots, celery, leftover potato from the other night --- finally finished that, red onion, red bell pepper, shitake mushrooms)  

Ever since I went to Shogun in the beginning of the week, I've had something cooked every day. Strange. I'm not punishing myself for it, because what I'm eating isn't bad, even though it's cooked. So I'm ok with my choices, I just think it's interesting that I've wanted it more this week. I also have a tough time when my colleagues come in. Throws my schedule off and since they eat out every day for lunch and dinner, and I will often go, I get used to being around and even partaking in cooked foods. It's better when they aren't in town. It's almost like a recovering alcoholic trying to hang out at a bar with friends, so soon into their recovery. Just not the best environment to be around when trying to live a healthy life. 

1/2 c. raisins

April 10, 2004, Saturday (Day 100)

Happy 100 days Raw to me (and Boni). It's not technically like a 3-month thing or anything, but it's still fun to say I've been doing Raw for 100 days. 

cut up orange, banana, large Fuji apple (made myself a fruit plate, like you get in a restaurant, have more time on the weekends)

That was too much food all at once and the orange had seeds and didn't taste like the ones we had been getting. I like the huge oranges that have really thick skin. 

Boni made her first wheatgrass juice with wheatgrass she had grown herself. Click here to see the process. (I'm not drinking wheatgrass yet. I tried it years and years ago at Whole Foods, when it first became "in" and thought it was horrid. Who knows what the future holds for me, but for now, I'm not drinking it.)

Today, I dehydrated some banana chips, this time making them about 1/8" inch thick, since the time before they stayed chewy and kinda thick. 

I also dehydrated some sweet potatoes, cut up thin on the radish garnish function on the Spiral Slicer. I salted them, but didn't add any seasoning to them. They turned out pretty good, better I think than the regular potatoes, and better for us anyway. 

1 c. nuts/raisins

I forgot to mention that my 10-year long allergy to lemons has gone away. This is quite a miracle, considering anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a "tea, no lemon," "water, no lemon," "sorry, please bring me another drink, this one has lemon" kind of a person. I had heard that allergies often go away when you go raw, something about the way your body processes foods that aren't processed, makes allergies to foods go away. A week or so ago, I tried some of Boni's Lemon-Lime Slush and didn't have a reaction; I even put the lemon on my lips directly, and still nothing. Well, I had a slight tingling sensation, but not the disgusting reaction I usually have (the roof of my mouth would peel, and I mean peel like sheets of skin would fall off, ick!). So after that trial, I decided at dinner Tuesday night at Shogun's I ordered a water with lemon, and again no allergic reaction. I am SO impressed with raw. Every day something new happens to make me further believe this is the way I'm supposed to eat.  

Made Raw Raviolis for Boni and I for dinner tonight. Oh my gosh, can I just say these are heaven? I really enjoy a lot of raw recipes, but this one takes the cake. I'm so addicted already! Alissa Cohen, you are genius for creating this recipe. Genius! I so love making Raw gourmet, and the presentation is one of my favorite parts. The picture on the recipe page for this really shows off how beautiful raw recipes can be. 

5 Raw Raviolis
glass of decaf iced tea
banana

Redmond Milkshake (minus young Thai coconut, instead used shredded coconut)
glass of decaf iced tea

April 11, 2004, Sunday (Day 101)

Today's Easter. Mom was good this year and sent not one piece of chocolate candy. That was probably hard for her, but she did good. She sent us gift certificates instead, one being to Olive Garden, since she knew we could get a salad there. You know, I didn't miss chocolate at all this year, not for Valentine's Day or Easter. Interesting. Guess my raw desserts are really curbing that need for SAD sweets. 

We slept in this morning and got ready to go right away into Fayetteville for lunch at Olive Garden. Wanted to beat the church crowd so we got there promptly at 11 am when they opened. Had a small snack on the way. 

glass of decaf iced tea
banana

3 bowls of salad - romaine, tomatoes, red onion, black olives, non-vegan Italian dressing 
16 oz water (with lemon again!!)

(I didn't have Minestrone this time, which is Vegan, but I still felt awful the last two times I went --- first time I had 3 bowls of the broth, second time I had 2 bowls of the broth, this time 0, woohoo!)

Went over to Ozark Natural Foods, since nothing else in the world was open (besides Wal-Mart, which we went to also --- oh and saw carts and carts and carts of Easter candy that hadn't been purchased, ugh, made me so sick to see all of that crap parents are feeding their kids, so glad if we ever have kids they won't eat that stuff). Anyway, went to ONF and got some walnuts and a FEW pine nuts. (I refuse to pay the prices for pine nuts, and just substitute for the most part, but I'd never had a pine nut before, that I know of, so I thought I'd get a small amount of them to use sparingly.)

On our way home, we stopped by Boni's work (she's assistant site manager at Compton Gardens, a new public gardens that isn't open yet in Bentonville), so she could water her plants in the greenhouse. Normally, I don't care enough to go in to see how the plants are doing, but now that I'm "cooking" with so many herbs and spices, I wanted to see how all of her herb plants were coming along. I got really really excited once I got in there and started seeing and smelling all of the herbs I'll be using -- basil, thyme, rosemary, dill, mint, anise, cayenne, not too mention the veggies she's working on - tomatoes, peppers, avocados, lettuces. Can't wait to use them fresh, and dry any that are in abundance. Fresh herbs, truly fresh. Can't wait! (I never cared about this stuff as a SAD cook. Interesting.)


So then, when I got home, my SAD behaviors begun --- no I didn't eat SAD, but my old behaviors of binging and eating when I'm not hungry kicked in. I'm gonna list what all I ate for the rest of the day and evening and then talk a little bit about what went on. 

10 raw raviolis
Redmond Milkshake (minus young Thai coconut, instead shredded coconut)
1/2 c. banana chips
glass of decaf iced tea
8 oz. Fresh squeezed orange juice (used 5 small oranges and a small manual juicer)
1 c. mixed nuts
1/2 c. raisins
1/2 c. granola (made it up with sweet potatoes, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds, cashews, honey, vanilla, cinnamon, mixed it all in food processor, then dehydrated it on teflex sheets til it was super crunch)
1/2 c. almond milk 

Something happens on the weekends, I have more time to make raw recipes, and they are usually more gourmet, have more not-as-healthy raw ingredients, like nuts mainly. I want to succeed living Raw so badly that I create recipes that resemble SAD meals, then binge on those Raw meals as IF they were SAD. It's like I resort back to SAD behaviors of binging when I get a taste for something "bad." The raviolis were so fantastic that I just kept going back to the fridge. I didn't need them, I didn't even necessarily want them, they were there, they were "calling me." The more I'd eat, the more I'd want. I was shoveling food in as if I had fallen off the raw wagon. I hadn't, but in my mind, I had. I was eating uncontrollably, not for nutrition or for any other reason than....than what? I'm not sure. I just know I was in a cycle of tired, wanting something to fill me, not wanting to take a nap, but getting more and more tired the more nut-based foods I ate, was angry that today was Sunday and I have to work tomorrow, emotional, yet not allowing myself to feel those emotions, just eating them away. It was strange, hadn't had this happen in a long time. I'm a little overwhelmed at several things, doesn't really matter what --- all that matters is that I act out through eating and I need to be aware of that, and not punish my body by trying to feed it too much of raw gourmet foods. I'm so tired at the moment, that I'm probably rambling, I just HAD to write this out. Boni and I talked about it before she went to bed, because she too, had similar experiences with food this weekend. We're such creatures of habit, during the week we're fine, we eat a lot of mono meals and feel great, high energy, feel "thin" and healthy, light and satisfied without overeating or overindulging. But the weekends come, and I try out new recipes that usually call for nuts, and then we don't have a routine or schedule to eat by. The last thing I'll say before I close is that I went on to the new site of French Fred (as Faith so perfectly called him, since we can't pronounce his last name), and read all about how his views on Raw are changing. It was good that I looked at his site and read his theories, because I'm figuring out for myself that mono meals and transition recipes need to be eaten in balance. Boni and I have decided that we're going to try to eat raw gourmet for more special occasions, like potlucks, dinner parties, special events, so that we don't overindulge in things that, while they may fill us up, don't have as much nutritional value. Man, this is an ever changing lifestyle, one that as long as I keep an open mind and an awareness for, will only make me healthier, wiser, and thinner. 

April 12, 2004, Monday (Day 102)

2 bananas
8 oz water

orange
glass of decaf iced tea

2 Raw Raviolis
Salad: leafy greens, spinach, radishes, cherry tomatoes, carrots, celery, cashews, raisins, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl low-fat Italian dressing
glass of decaf iced tea
2 brazil nuts

1 Tbl. cashews
bite of raw granola

5 banana chips

orange
glass of decaf iced tea

2 Raw Raviolis
bowl of frozen peas (boiled in water), sea salt, cracked pepper

1 c. mixed nuts
1/2 c. raisins

Today's magic word is Mucous. Mucous. Mucous. Mucous. Ugh. I don't remember noticing mucous and phlem in the back of my throat when I was SAD. What is the deal? I mean I used to eat cheese, and bread and fast fried foods, and never had this much mucous. Please let it be allergies. But no, it's probably nuts. My body's probably all cleansed now from SAD foods, so whenever I overeat my nuts, it wacks out. Makes me mad that I'm sensitve now. I don't wanna be one of "those" health nuts who freaks out over every little thing. "I'm allergic to this, I'm bothered by that. I can't have this, I can't have that. I'm so annoying I can't even stand to be in the same room as myself." REALLY hope that doesn't offend anyone, I just have to be honest about how I do and do not want to respond to being raw. I wanna be healthy, but "normal." I don't wanna obsess over what's in every dish, or balancing my nuts to the point of insanity. I just wanna be Raw and be happy, and not obsess and over obsess. K?

Oh and on a NON-obsessive note, here's what I wanna work on, in a healthy-non-obsessive way. (ha, have I obsessed enough about not being obsessed?)

1.) Exercise (I'd say Exercise More, but anything is MORE than what I'm doing at the moment, nothing!)
2.) Watch the nut intake
3.) Take time to meditate and stretch
4.) Go to bed at a decent hour (not getting enough sleep)
5.) And finally, and most importantly -  Not go crazy trying to make the site perfect. It's not going to be every thing to every one. It's for me on my journey and if I'm taking on too much, I won't enjoy it. 

Before I went to bed tonight, I steamed a baked potato, but then realized I didn't even want it, so I cut it up and put it in the fridge to eat tomorrow. 

April 13, 2004, Tuesday (Day 103)

8 oz water

2 bananas
glass of decaf iced tea

I brought 2 oranges to work, but when I opened them, I realized I had mistakenly brought the yuck ones --- Sunkist, which I would think would mean they were good. But no, they had seeds, they tasted tart and weird. The small ones always seem to not taste as good to me. I like the huge, thick-skinned, super easy to peel oranges. I can eat a dozen of those, well not really, but you know what I mean. So I didn't get my morning or afternoon orange, which makes me irritable. Ha, I don't know that it makes me irritable, but I'm a creature of habit. Need those oranges to keep me going at work. 

My colleague pops a Mountain Dew about every hour, while at the same time, saying he doesn't drink cokes. Uh, ok... and I'm a supermodel with a size -3 waist. Whatever. It's not like I even like Mountain Dew, I don't. I think it's the weirdest drink there is. But for some reason, the sound of the coke can pop top popping irritates the hell outta me. I think it's sort of like cigarettes (I smoked for years, and quit in October 2001). Sometimes I like the idea of one, but then I get a whiff of the smoke, and I cringe at how horrid it is for you. Same with cokes now. I see my colleagues drink em all the time, and I just see liquid tar (or whatever resembles the color and thickness of coke) pouring through their veins. I rarely say anything, cause I was a coke drinker myself, and know it's not an easy thing to stop drinking. 

Why am I going off on a tangent like that? I'm really trying to live as a live and let live person, everyone has to get to where they're going in their own time. I am the last person who wants someone judging me or saying what I should be drinking, eating, taking, doing. I think I'm having a hard time right now. Friday's my "every-two-week-weigh-day" at the doctor's office and I'm irritated cause I haven't been losing weight the last 7 days (I have a scale at work that I weigh on daily --- BAD idea, but I'm sorta obsessed with what causes me to gain a pound, lose a pound, stay the same --- like if I OD on nuts or eat hardly any nuts).  I'm at a plateau, I can tell, but it's not just that. I haven't been exercising, stretching, meditating, getting enough sleep, playing with the dogs, eating lots of veggies and drinking much water. I hate even writing this now. I don't want to have to admit that I'm not doing what I need to be doing to be healthy, not just be Raw. Argh. K, back to what I ate. 

3 olives
baked potato (reheated in microwave --- dang, I had been so good about not using a microwave to heat or reheat my food)
salt and pepper (not sea salt, cause I reheated the potato at my office and all I have there is the normal salt)

glass of decaf iced tea
Salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, celery, carrots, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl low-fat Italian dressing, raisins, pecans (sounds gross, but I was out of walnuts, cashews or almonds, and I have to have some nuts on my salad)
1 c. mixed nuts

When I got home from work, I became a freak in the kitchen. I decided I had to make a million recipes, and clean up all the crap leftover stuff in the fridge and on the "produce counter": wilting celery, parsley and cilantro, 10 of those yucky oranges, freezer-burned blackberries, a concoction of some banana goop I had in the freezer, two potatoes that had started to grow those eye things, some soft lemons and whatever else I could find to clean up. I made the following bizarre recipes, none of which I'm crazy about. 

- Blackberry smoothie (ick)
- Blackberry/Banana fruit leather with honey (ick)
- Banana fruit leather with honey (ick)
- Rosemary Potato pancakes (ick)
- Flax seed chips that resemble Mexi-Chips (not ick, but not like I normally make them)
- Spicy Spread (this one turned out good, and I plan to put it on the Recipe page)
- Fresh-squeezed orange juice (ok, what made me think that making juice that I would drink out of oranges I wouldn't eat would be a good idea)

(My comments about the dehydrated recipes are from trying these on Wednesday when they were ready.)

April 14, 2004, Wednesday (Day 104)

Ok, it's 1:40 in the morning and while I should be sleeping, I'm not. I must be having some kind of a detox day; figured I'd be all done with that by my 104th day, but no, it's still coming, and this one is a biggie. I feel like crap. Here are my detox symptoms --- and I'm calling it detox cause there's no way I'm accepting these things as normal. 

- breaking out like a teenager (all over my face, neck, chest, legs)
- mucousy (like a fricken sea slug - that is one disgusting symptom)
- irritated, moody, short, snippy, emotional, cranky, and every other adjective that describes my bitchiness
- tired, but can't sleep (my head won't stop thinking)
- achy (I need a massage so damn bad)
- lips burning when I'm eating oranges (ok, so my allergy to lemons is gone, and now it's oranges, great)
- teeth seem unusually yellow (ok, they were never pearly white, but for some reason, they're literally yellow today)
- no weight loss (ok this might not be a detox symptom, but I'm irritated, so I'll list it)
- I've got these little cuts all over my fingers (again, not a detox symptom, but cutting up fruits, veggies, onions, garlic, etc. all the time must give me these little cuts, so technically it's a symptom of being Raw - ha!)

I have so many things I want to journal about tonight, I don't even know where to begin. I think I'll make a list, and then go into detail afterwards. Ok? Why am I asking you all, you're probably normal and sleeping right now. 

1.) Faith's note about the utter confusion of all the raw theories and opinions
2.) My disastrous Raw Hummus attempt
3.) Boni's SAD attack and my response to it
4.) Obsession with the raw lifestyle and my lack of attention to the rest of my life
5.) Defining my Raw self  - in relation to the other journalers

So many more things on my mind, but for now, I'll just delve into these 5.

1.) In Faith's journal for today she said the following, "So much conflicting advice on the raw diet it makes my head spin. Some say eat only fruit/others say overeating on fruit causes mold in the system/eat mainly fats like David Wolfe so your skin will shine/don’t overeat fats it makes you tired and spacey/drink water to flush toxins/ don’t drink water it dilutes digestion/use sea salt/don’t use salt/eat simply/eat a variety of foods…chimpanzees forage over 120 types of plant food in the wild each year, according to French Fred. Make mental note: must eat like chimp."

When I read this, I wanted to reach through the computer and hug her. I've had this same struggle to understand how there can be so much conflicting advice and no real hard facts to back anything up. I've resigned myself to just do what I want and try to be as raw as is comfortable without going so crazy that I can't enjoy being Raw. But there are certainly those people out there who are so quick to judge you for using honey, maple syrup, Bragg's, and any other "hmm, is that really raw?" type of food product. I shouldn't care what they think, and for the most part, I don't. I mean I'm happy with where I'm at Raw. If I go much more Raw, I think the fun will be stripped out of life for me. Yea, yea, food is for nutrition, not fun, but jeez, how much closer to nutritious can I be without becoming a robotic replica of myself. I'm pretty sure it was I, who, just 105 days ago was eating french fries, cheese pizza with ranch dressing, chocolate dipped ice cream cones, bread sticks with alfredo sauce, ok stop --- you get the picture. I don't do any of that anymore, not by a long shot. And nothing irritates me more than to have people who are raw, judging other people who are raw, based on how raw they think they are. I mean, it's all new. Ok, no raw is not new, but research into what raw does for us, and what enzyme does what, and what probiotic does what, and what temperature harms what - that's all fairly unstudied, in the true research sense of the word. Ugh, it makes me roll my eyes, when I even say those things. Who cares? (Some of you care. Me? Not so much.) Overall, I feel great; aside from some detox symptoms, I've never felt better in my life. Could I feel better? Sure, who couldn't? If the people who are so 100% raw feel so great 100% of the time, doing what they're doing, why do I find them online in raw support forums --- receiving support....Because we're ALL learning, we're ALL healing, we're ALL Raw. And we all have to just do what works for us, cause in the end, isn't that all that matters?

(Whoa, that sounded like a sermon. Didn't mean for it to. It was for my benefit, I promise.)

2.) So, at the Viktoras Kulvinskas workshop we went to a few weeks back, one of the Raw Ozarks members brought some Raw Hummus. Boni loved it (I didn't really care for it, but I think I'm just not used to Hummus.) Regardless, I asked the person for the recipe, for the site and to make it for Boni. So a couple of nights ago I soaked the garbanzo beans, rinsed em and put em in the fridge til I could get home tonight from work to make the recipe. I followed all of the directions (scanning quickly, as I'm pretty good at estimating and throwing things in), processed it and put it in a pretty serving bowl, garnished it with chopped red onion and chives, took a picture of it for the Recipe page (see it on the right?), and asked Boni to try it. She did, and looked at me like she thought it was horrid. She tried it a few different ways (on her finger, on a Mexi-Chip, with onion, without onion), but then said basically that I obviously didn't do it like she had done it, cause it tasted grainy. I was devastated. I hate when I make a recipe that doesn't turn out (I mean it does happen, of course, but it's hard for me to take - I'm like Monica on Friends, you will like my food). I expressed my upset to her, saying I did it just like she did. She didn't believe me (I have a tendency to create things the way I want, not necessarily the way the recipe calls for it). My laptop was sitting on the kitchen counter, where I always put it when I'm making a recipe from the site; so I said, "Look, here it is. I did it just like she says." She looked at it for a second and said, "Soaked and sprouted, Michelle. You didn't sprout the garbanzo beans, you just soaked them." I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe I misread that major of a step. I asked if that meant the whole thing was ruined, and she said that it was because garbanzo beans are hard enough to digest, let alone, raw, and let alone not sprouted. I told her to get rid of it, that I couldn't stand to see that kind of waste. She picked off the onions and chives and threw it down the disposal. Ugh, and it looked so pretty, too. 


Bad Raw Hummus

3.) On our way home from work today, Boni said she wanted to go grocery shopping. As we neared the store, she said she was getting soy-chicken nuggets. I had been telling her that there's a recipe for raw chicken nuggets that I'd make for her, but I wasn't quick enough. She had it in her head that she was gonna get those Morning Star soy-chicken nuggets. So at the grocery store, I got all of the yummy fruits and veggies for the next few days and she picked out her soy meal. They were out of the nuggets, which would have told me that I wasn't meant to have them. But she chose the soy-chicken patties instead. I wasn't bothered by what she was getting, until we got home and she turned on the stove and put them in to cook. She went off to take a shower while they cooked, and I sat in the kitchen trying to clean up last night's mess, make a salad, and proceed to eat everything in sight. I started to smell that cooked food, and it was torture. I'll kill the suspense now and tell you I did not cheat, but it wasn't easy. The smells are fine when I'm in the car, driving past a Burger King or KFC. It's when it's in my house, 2 feet from me, calling my name. That's a toughie! While she was in the shower, and the smells grew stronger, I went over to the cupboard and pulled out the just-purchased peanut butter that is for the Blue Birds out back (I make them bird pudding - they don't like processed suet cakes --- little Raw wannabes). I took a spoon out and gobbled up 1 Tbl. full. It's the cheap, crappy peanut butter too, so it's got that weird after taste. But I ate it anyway. I started to get mad. I was angry at Boni for bringing that food into the house. Yes, it's my responsibility not to binge, not to cheat. But it doesn't make it easier when the cooked foods are right there. She came out and took her patties to the living room to eat them (she had also purchased a horseradish mayonnaise sauce to dip them in --- even though I told her I'd make her a Raw mayonnaise dressing out of Juliano's book). While she ate her soy-chicken dinner, I snuck another Tbl of peanut butter. After that, I told her that "while I'm not judging you for your decision, I want you to know that that was hard on me." I didn't say anything else, didn't even tell her I'd cheated with peanut butter. Later she came over and apologized, but I don't think she realized the impact smelling that food in our kitchen had on me. (She offered to take it in the bedroom, but hell, by that time, the whole fricken house smelled like cooked food.) She does that about once a month, and it shouldn't get to me, but today just wasn't the best day to do it.

4.)  This is a tough one. And I'm so tired at this point (it's 2:30 am now), that I'm just gonna touch on it briefly and will probably talk more about it tomorrow. Basically, I'm spending so much time on the site, reading raw food forums, communicating with people about Raw, creating and trying new recipes in the kitchen, that I'm neglecting the things in my life that have nothing to do with Raw. My cat, my two dogs, and my partner. I used to spend so much time with my pets, laying on the floor, petting them, brushing them, bathing them, talking to them, taking them for walks, sitting outside with them. I'm not doing that anymore. I've become someone who works on a computer all day at work, then comes home to work on the computer all night. I'm in a tough situation - I love love love this site and what it's become to others and myself. And I have so many plans for it, so many things I want to add, directions I want it to go in, people I want to reach with it. But I need to remember, life is a balance. Balance is something I don't often have in my life. I throw myself into something and all else suffers. My raw life is forever, I don't have to do it all this second. And I have a feeling you all will be there, working on your own balance. So, Michelle, ease up. People will understand if you can't work on the site 24 hours a day, and if you need to take a walk with the pups or go play dominoes with your neighbors, or watch "Animal Precinct" with Boni. I give myself permission to allow all aspects of my life to encompass this journey. Not just Raw. 

5.) So the gist of this one is this ---- I'm not exactly a role model for the "ideal Raw foodist." I have some cooked food, I use honey, maple syrup, Bragg's and whatever else is on the list of "is that really raw?" I don't take digestive enzymes, I haven't done a Master Cleanse (nor do I really know what one is), I haven't had a colonic, I haven't read any Raw food book all the way through (I'm an internet researcher, not a book reader), I've never taken a Yoga class, and I still drink Luzianne decaf iced tea every day. And yet, there are people who are journaling on this site, because they found me, another raw foodist, with a passion for this lifestyle. I don't know where I'm going with this, but basically, I struggle with being a role model to anyone on this journey, because I'm learning right along with the rest of you. I'm not Shazzie, or Alissa Cohen, or anyone else who's Raw, has a website and knows what the hell they're doing. I'm just like you all, new to raw, learning new things every day, stumbling with moments of SAD weakness, and looking to others for support and affirmation. You all are my role models. I'm learning so much from each journaler on this site, each poster on each raw food forum, each "expert" with their own raw website. I just had to say out loud, that I'm not a perfect Raw foodist (whatever that is), but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. And I hope you won't either. 


Whew, I'm done. Let me quickly recap my food intake for the day, then I'm going to bed to try to get rid of some of these detox feelings (hope I feel better in the morning, otherwise I'm going to stay home and try to get rid of this stuff). 

couple of sips from fresh squeezed orange juice (yuck)

2 bananas

2 oranges

glass of decaf iced tea

Spicy Spread on celery
1/4 c. raisins
1/4 c. mixed nuts
1 Raw Ravioli (minus the tomato sauce topping)
banana fruit leather
blackberry fruit leather

Salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, celery, carrots, raisins, pecans, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl. low-fat Italian dressing
glass of decaf iced tea

1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw)
1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw)

banana fruit leather
Spicy Spread on celery

bite of Raw Hummus (yuck)
5 strawberries
5 cherry tomatoes

glass of decaf iced tea

April 15, 2004, Thursday (Day 105)

Well, aren't I little-miss-writey the last few days. Normally, I don't post such long-winded entries, but it's good for me. Boni and I don't talk so much in depth about raw, so journaling is a great outlet for me. 

I ended up staying home today, definitely not feeling well enough to work. I slept in until 10:00, took the dogs outside, and for the first time in weeks, did what I said I was gonna do. 

I stood outside on the back deck, in the absolutely beautiful 80 degree sunny weather and stretched, breathed, and soaked in the sun. Man, the sun never felt so wonderful when I was SAD, why is that?? It feels like it's another form of nutrients now. I will never forget David Wolfe saying we need sun (of course in moderation, and once we're raw, so our body creates a natural UV protection - paraphrasing of course). I'm a red head with fair skin, so sun hasn't always been a friend of mine. But now, it feels different. It feels like my body says when and how much sun it needs. It feels good. 

I was only outside maybe 10 minutes, but that was all I needed to gain the energy and serenity that I was lacking. Isn't it funny that I crazily work to get things done and do things to feel better, and yet, something so simple as a 10-minute stretch and breathe break can give me everything my mind and body craves? Remember that, Michelle.

I'm really glad I wrote all that I wrote last night, but I'm already getting emails from people concerned that they are contributing to my problem of spending too much time on the computer. Let me just say here and now - No, it's a balance that I have to work out, and one that is manageable. And seriously, I love this site and what it does for me and thousands of others on a daily basis. This is probably one of the single most important things I've done, thus far. I've always known my constant struggle with weight would one day be a catalyst for something greater, but who knew this would be it. If some of my old friends could see me on this path, they'd think I'd gone nuts. Yea, Michelle Reeves, raw vegan health foodist. Not something I'd have thought I'd see, myself. 

Anyway, so this morning, between waking up to decide I didn't feel up to going to work and dozing off, I had a Raw dream. It was brief, but poignant. I was at a neighbor's get together and she kept telling people, "This is Michelle. She went from a size 48 to a 13, has already lost over 65 pounds." (Though that correlation doesn't even make sense.) I kept correcting her and saying, "No actually I have only gone down one size, maybe two on some things, and I've only lost 45 pounds." Then I felt this look of disappointment come over the people listening, like, "Oh well, I was impressed with what she said, what you're saying isn't anything. What a let down." I guess I'm having anxiety about today being "weigh day" (though being that I'm home today, I might not get to the doctor's office to weigh). I'm also having anxiety about picture day coming up in a few weeks, like now my progress will be more slow and not as obvious. I had heard this can happen when you have such a large amount of weight to lose. You'll lose a lot in the beginning, lots of water weight, and then it's slow going after that. I won't give up, I won't get discouraged, but the reality of life sets in when I think of this taking longer than I'd like. 

It appears I'm getting more into journaling than I was even when I started. I'd usually write a paragraph or so and focus more on my food intake. Now, it seems I'm focusing more on journaling with a quick mention of what I ate. Interesting. Maybe I'm becoming more comfortable in what I eat, and more uncomfortable with what that means, what it means to be a Raw foodist. Journaling is definitely helping me work through my fears, struggles, emotions of being so different than the majority of the rest of the world (or at least the United States). 

I just got Janice's journal entry for today and she had a great quote in it, that I felt the need to address. "I will judge my success by how well I live my truth, not by how well my truth is received." This is what I need to remember, when I see some Raw foodists judging other Raw foodists on how Raw they are. I eat honey, it's raw. Therefore I'm raw. I use Bragg's, don't know if it's truly raw, don't care. It's my truth to live, and I'm livin' it. 

I'll write more tonight, after I've eaten and had more time to process. 

Here's what I ate today: 

glass of decaf iced tea

salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, celery, carrots, walnuts, raisins, 1 Tbl. low-fat Italian dressing, cracked pepper
glass of decaf iced tea

Redmond Milkshake (minus young Thai coconut, instead shredded coconut)

3 strawberries
3 cherry tomatoes

1/2 c. mixed nuts

1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw)

2 corn on the cob (microwaved, didn't want to eat it raw today and didn't feel like waiting for the steamer and cutting it off the cob)

Made some Marinated Portabella Mushrooms, Rawlsa, Rawcamole so we'd have some stuff to eat the next couple of days. 

plate of Rawchos (no refried beans, just Rawlsa and Rawcamole on Mexi-Chips topped with 3 chopped cherry tomatoes) 

2 strawberries
1 tsp. peanut butter (not raw -- man, I hate that I bought that for the birds - I made some bird pudding for them today, but the recipe didn't use it all --- gotta be better about not using it as a "bad" snack)

glass of decaf iced tea

April 16, 2004, Friday (Day 106)

2 bananas
orange
small Fuji apple
glass of decaf iced tea

Went to the doctor's office today for my every-two-week weigh-in....drum roll..........total weight loss 47 pounds, current weight is now 263 pounds.

small Fuji apple

salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, grape tomatoes (I've been calling them cherry tomatoes, but they're actually grape tomatoes, which I realize that I like better than cherry tomatoes, and I really like the little bity baby grape tomatoes), carrots, celery, raisins, walnuts, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl low-fat Italian dressing (last of the dressing, have to decide if I'm gonna get another commercial dressing or try to make my own)
glass of decaf iced tea

Made some more Raw Raviolis for Boni since I had a turnip left and made some Spaghetti Sauce last night, but didn't have any good zucchinis (ah, wasted 3 dang zucchinis leaving them in the bottom of the fridge too long). 

1 Tbl peanut butter (again!!!??? shoot, can't have it in the house)

Corn on the cob (microwaved - shoot, liking the corn better heated lately, and too lazy to cut it off, steam it, then eat it)

Made some coconut macaroons tonight, but made em into balls instead of flat cookies (I don't know why, just felt like it)

Redmond Milkshake (minus young Thai coconut - cause the Oriental Market didn't have them in today when I went by there, instead used shredded coconut)

2 strawberries

Felt sick from the Redmond Milkshake (might have been too much carob- a bunch accidentally fell in, so it was like drinking a double fudge milkshake - ugh)

2 coconut macaroons, before they went into the dehydrator (yum yum, but then felt ill --- overdid the sweets tonight, and I was SO good the first part of the day)

Weight - 263 lbs - total weight loss 47 pounds

April 17, 2004, Saturday (Day 107)

2 bananas
glass of decaf iced tea

Had a gift card to Target from my Mom for Easter (thanks Mom!), so I went down to Fayetteville, while Boni worked on hypertufa containers (that pic is just so you know what a hypertufa container looks like, that's not actually the one she made) at her work (she's a Master Gardener and works as Assistant Site Manager at Compton Gardens, a new-not-yet-opened public garden in Bentonville, Arkansas).  Anyway, went to Target and used the gift card to get us a nice coffee grinder (a really cool, heavy duty with all the bells and whistles) for grinding our nuts and seeds. It was on clearance for $14.98, woohoo!!! I'll take a picture of it later and put it on The Raw Kitchen page. Got some other random stuff too, like a new cup for me (I'm like a child, I have to get a new plastic glass every few months to drink out of --- I like iced tea with a lot of ice in tall, plastic glasses, weird I know --- this one is of a hula girl and it's all summer, festive colors), also got some laundry soap (do you guys care about this crap, probably not), and a candle for my office, one of those neat three layer/three scent candles by Glade.

Anyway, that was nice, cause I hadn't had any money lately to splurge on us --- so $25 at Target was like Christmas! Is it just me, or am I the only one who actually will admit living the Raw lifestyle is not cheap???? So many people say, I'm spending so much less money; ok, I'm not. I know, I know, it's probably the nuts, but jeez, we go to the grocery store every 3 days and drop $40-$60 a time; that's way more than I spent when I was SAD. I know we don't eat out anymore, and our packaged products are definitely minimal, but we still spend about $500-600 a month in groceries, way more than we used to. 

Back to my day. Went to the Ozark Natural Foods co-op today since it was owner's weekend and cause I needed a few things in bulk. Here's what I got, in case anyone's interested: cashews, almonds, macadamia nuts, brazil nuts, walnuts, black beans (for Boni), unsweetened shredded coconut, maple syrup, honey, Dr. Bronner's Castille Peppermint liquid soap, Tamari Soy Sauce, and some produce wash, since we don't buy organic produce (can't afford it, too expensive!). 

Visited with fellow Raw foodist (and journaler), Denise, who was volunteering at the Owner's Weekend event. We're gonna get together next weekend for lunch, so Boni and I can meet her family. Next weekend Boni and I finally get to start going back to the Fayetteville Farmer's Market. So excited!!! Not only do I absolutely love the weather when the Farmer's Market comes around, but the people, and the music and sounds and everything is so, I don't know, Summer, I guess. Last year when we went, we would buy a few things here and there, but now, this is gonna start being our regular produce shopping, since the organic produce at the Farmer's Market is actually affordable AND local! It'll be so neat to go a Farmer's Market not just to go there, but to NEED to go there, cause that's the kind of food we eat. I used to look at the people who bought all this produce at the Farmer's Market and think, "that's so bizarre, that they don't just go to Wal-Mart, I mean how do they know where that produce came from - could have been from some weirdo's house" --- HA!!!! now, I say, I hate buying produce from Wal-Mart, even though that's all we can afford - cause who knows where that produce came from ---- it's MUCH worse to eat Wal-Mart produce than to eat produce that some Bob or Jack or Henry brought from their little organic farm in the hills of the Ozarks. 

2 oranges

I went by Hobby Lobby and picked up 5 more little spice jars (did you all know I'm obsessively organized and have to have all of my spices and herbs in labeled containers? It's true, but makes cooking a breeze. I'll take a picture later and show you all if you don't believe me - ha!) Next went to Barnes And Noble to do a little Raw research.

Called the Oriental Market once I got back in the car, cause I went by there yesterday after my doctor's office weigh-in, but they hadn't gotten in their young Thai coconuts. Man, that's the second time I've gone by on a Friday and they've been out. What's with that!! Nope, they still didn't get them in today. It's a conspiracy. They don't want fat, white girls to eat young Thai coconuts. JUST KIDDING!!! No emails about my fat comment, I was just kidding. Us Raw foodists have to have a sense of humor, right? 

Anyway, now I'm at my office catching up on emails, updating the site a bit, and way overeating the damn nuts I just got. I couldn't wait to get them home and soak them. I didn't have a salad and it's nearly 2:00 now, so that's what I get. No salad for lunch? Eat like crap later. 

1 1/2 c. cashews/brazil nuts (not soaked, oops, couldn't wait to get home - you know it may have been 2 cups, I was eating and typing at the same time - NOT smart!!!)

Alright, that's it for now. Gotta work on a couple other things here before I go get Boni and we figure out the rest of our weekend. 

One more thing --- I notice I'm journaling not just about Raw, hope no one minds. Oh well, if so, there are definitely other journalers on the site to read, with a lot of great stuff to say. 

Ok, writing again tonight, since I only wrote for half the day. Today when I got home, I got a huge burst of energy and put all of my Spring yard stuff out, filled my zillion bird feeders and bird baths, and then proceeded to wash our SUV, from top to bottom (on the outside, not the inside yet). That was quite a work out and I actually got a little sunburned (guess I'm not raw long enough to have developed that nice UV protection, not that I might ever truly get that, since I'm a natural red head and super fair). 

2 coconut macaroons (made em into balls this time and didn't process the dates as much, so it would be a sorta chunky cookie)
2 glasses of decaf iced tea

My neighbor and her grandson came and picked me up and we went down to the nature hiking trail. We walked for about an hour and a half and it was super, I was sweating and my face was red and I felt alive. I've missed exercising!!!!! We went to the waterfall and me and the grandson got really close to the water and felt the cold water spritzing up. I've missed being out in nature and moving my body. Gotta remember that! It was a good day for me physically, not exactly nutritiously (other than the morning). 

Once I got back, I decided to get into the kitchen for some recipe creations. Made some random stuff like, Creamy Mac Ranch Dressing out of The Complete Book of Raw Food, Creamy Italian Dressing out of the same book, a sweet-nutty-vanilla-honey-cinnamon pie crust, a salty-braggs-pepitas-sunflowerseeds-garlic-paprika-italianseasonings quiche crust, strawberry-banana-nut-muffins, and another attempt at the Raw Hummus (still tastes yuck to me, Boni said it was better than the one I made the other day, but still not like Deborah's, argh). We'll see how all of these things come out tomorrow, when I try to figure out what I'm going to put in the pie crust and in the quiche crust. 

I also need to make Boni some more Mexi-Chips. She's out of them now and doesn't like the veggie chips I made her the other day. On Friday, I sent her to work with a smorgasbord of raw recipes from our fridge and pantry, so she could share her Raw diet with her colleagues and volunteers. I guess they liked it all, cause she came home with nothing. (They're like "Mikey Likes It," and I love to use non-Raws to clean out the fridge of things that I don't like anymore, or am bored of. Is that bad or what!!!???)

Tonight I was freaking out in the kitchen, kept looking for something to fill my need to binge on SAD food. I considered making a Nature Burger from a vegan boxed product I still have in the cupboard. Boni suggested one of her "soy chicken patties." I looked at the boxes of both, and then dragged myself to the "produce counter," where I settled on a large baking potato. I kind of went, "Screw it," and stuck it in the microwave, which I'm really really wanting to avoid. I figured, "Hey if I choose a damn potato, I can microwave the fricken thing." I also grabbed 2 cups of frozen peas and microwaved those. I mixed the two, sea salted and crack peppered them both and you know what??? I enjoyed them. It was delicious. I knew I'd feel like crap if I ate either of the other two things, but I didn't know I'd actually like the healthy alternative so much. Fantastic! (What the hell is it about peas, that I think they are SO awesome!!!! What a weird thing to like so much.)

glass of decaf iced tea
large baked potato, 2 c. frozen peas (microwaved), sea salt and cracked pepper

glass of decaf iced tea

Oh one other thing I wanted to mention is that Boni and I were talking tonight about my freak out incident wanting to binge. She said every time I go weigh-in, I do this. That I want to reward myself for having lost weight, so I want to binge. I said, that, no actually what happens, is every time I go weigh-in, and I've lost weight, I want to PUNISH myself. I still have a hard time believing that I deserve to be thin and attractive. So I try to sabotage my success. Just an interesting thing to observe and ponder. 

April 18, 2004, Sunday (Day 108)

Boni and I had a little "debate" today --- ok it was a small argument about what percentages mean, what it means to binge, what it means to eat cooked, etc. Thought I'd write about it, since it's an ongoing discussion on many of the raw food forums I'm on. 

2 glasses of decaf iced tea

We were talking about the soy chicken patties she bought the other day and how they are still in the freezer (she didn't eat them all when she bought them). I said, "I thought you said the craving is gone now that you ate your soy chicken patty." She said, "It went away but it's still there." (?????) She said, "I just ate too many the other night." I said (in a little "I told you so" way), "I told you if you were gonna binge, to not over eat, just eat the binge food you're wanting." She said, "I know I overate, and I don't consider that binging. Binging is going to get fast food and ice cream and stuff like that. I'm not 100%, and this was just part of my cooked." I said, "Hmm, well I think there's SAD binging, Vegetarian binging, RAW binging, and then eating cooked." She didn't like that, and told me that what she eats isn't a reflection of me, and don't put my "shit" on her. She's right and I apologized. I think I want her to be accountable like I am!! And that's silly. This is not a game, or a race, rather, where we see who cheats first or who's "better" at it than the other. This is our life.....But I still think there are varying degrees of eating cooked and binging....More later.  

Woohoo!!! I created some great new recipes today, that I'm so excited about!!!! I made a veggie pizza pie, a banana-nut pudding pie, strawberry-banana-nut muffins (used mini muffin trays in the dehydrator), and a strawberry chocolate pecan pie (I don't know, I just like to make stuff up). I just threw everything together, so I'll work on the exact recipes for the site later. 

I had a piece of the pizza pie (first thing I ate today) and was SO happy it turned out great. Really reminded me of a veggie pizza pie from somewhere like Mazzio's or Pizza Hut. The chopped up mix of veggies and the spaghetti sauce really did it for me! 

I went and helped Boni take her million plants out of the "greenhouse" (really our downstairs garage) and we were both hungry after that work out, so we went upstairs to have another piece of pizza pie (my second, her first). She LOVED it! So excited that she likes it, that's the ultimate test you know. In a little bit, she'll try the strawberry-banana-nut muffins and other pies. Woohoo, sometimes I just get in a mood to "cook." Boni said I'm amazing, today. I love to hear that she thinks that! 

1 small piece of veggie pizza pie
glass of decaf iced tea

1 strawberry-banana-nut mini muffin

Boni wanted a "green drink" so I said I'd make one for her. I took a flat of wheatgrass and juiced that first. It made two 2 oz shots, so she downed one shot and I took the other and added it to a mix of juiced carrots, tomatoes, celery, cucumbers, garlic and way too much cayenne pepper. I dipped my finger into it and was surprised that it wasn't too bad. Actually was gonna drink a shot of it, but then decided on a piece of the yummy Banana Nut Cream Pie. I had a piece of the Banana Nut Cream Pie and oh my gosh! It was incredible. So so happy when new recipes I create turn out so well!!

1 small piece of veggie pizza pie

1 piece of Banana Nut Pudding Pie
glass of decaf iced tea

I've gotten a bunch of really wonderful emails today from people writing about From SAD to RAW (even though they often say nice things about me directly, I like to say From SAD to RAW, since it's still difficult for me to accept compliments)

Today, I was gonna work on this Raw project that I've been working, but looks like I'm gonna spend some time on the site. I'm thinking about going swimming, since I'm finally to the point I'll get back into my swimsuit, and my neighbor's grandson really wants to go back to the waterfall that we went to yesterday. But I know this week at work's gonna be a killer, so I wanna get as much done on the site as I can. We'll see. I know exercise can't come second to the computer, that's not healthy. And it's a gorgeous day out too, sunny, windy, birds are singing. I'm sitting at my desk with the windows and screen doors open and it feels so good. I love spring/summer, especially when I feel good about myself, enough to be outside in shorts, anyway. 

.....later....well I didn't go work out. Made another dessert --- a chocolate pecan pie.  

I've been having fun working on the site today and taking little breaks to lay with the dogs and get them all riled up. They love to have me get on the floor and roll around and they'll jump over me and then chase each other. They are my sweetest hearts!!! (Click here to see a picture of my babies - Suki's the little Chihuahua, Simon's the white toy poodle.)

1 large baked potato (baked at 350 degrees), 2 c. frozen peas (microwaved), sea salt, pepper (oh and some raw Creamy Italian dressing to taste)
glass of decaf iced tea

another 2 c. frozen peas (man those are goooooooood)

glass of decaf iced tea

1 piece of chocolate pecan pie (oh my gosh --- I will never ever need another SAD dessert again - this is heaven, pure heaven)
glass of decaf iced tea

PS I thought of a hilarious term for those of us who are new to Raw foodism --- how's this? Newbie Raw Foodies --- haha. I wrote that to someone who emailed me today, and realized I called us that --- I like it. Cute but obvious. 

April 19, 2004, Monday (Day 109)

8 oz water

2 bananas (but only ate half of each, cause they were really bruised, and I've heard you shouldn't eat bruised fruit)
orange

glass of decaf iced tea

small Fuji apple (it was ok, but not like the ones I had last week)

Super tired today. went to bed late, on computer too much last night. I really want to stay at home all day and make up recipes and work on the site, and journal and play with the dogs. Is that too much to ask? Why do we have to work? Seems so unfair. (tongue in cheek)

I'm being very clumsy today, I spilled a brand new glass of piping hot tea all over, burning the top of my hand; then i just spilled another bit of hot tea on my computer --- I've heard clumsiness is a sign of not being in touch with your body...like "throwers" aren't in touch with their bodies. You know what a thrower is? Someone who sets plates down hard, drops their fork on the plate loudly, slams cupboards, thrashes papers around, basically is dramatic in their body movements. I find myself irritated around throwers, especially while eating with them. We have a friend who's a thrower and I get anxious being around them --- it's like the calm is gone. Erratic movements and jerky behavior creates anxiety in me, it seems. Anyway, interesting that I'm being so clumsy --- I mean in general, I'm pretty clumsy. But more so today than usual. I kinda see being clumsy and not in touch with your body is somewhat different than being a thrower and not in touch with your body. Neither are good, in my opinion, as they both mean not being in touch with your body, therefore living on a plane in which you aren't grounded. Where did all of that come from? I think I'm being better at noticing my actions and trying to find peace in a non-peaceful environment.

I'm frickin starving today!!! I usually don't go home for lunch til nearly 1:00, sometimes 2:00, but at about 11 this morning, I was starving.

*** Warning - Overeat & Binge 2nd Half of Day Ahead --- Honest recount ***

For lunch, while I needed to have a salad, I chose:

2 pieces of Veggie Pizza Pie
one corn on the cob (microwaved for 2 minutes, sea salt and pepper)
glass of decaf iced tea

Then I immediately made a poor food combining choice (not that that's stopped me before), and had: 

1 slice Banana Nut Pudding Pie
1 slice Strawberry Chocolate Pecan Pie

Yea....shouldn't have done that. My stomach is saying, "What the hell?" 
Michelle, Just...Because...It's...Raw...Doesn't...Mean...You...Have...To...Overdo...It.......TWO desserts in one sitting? What's wrong with me!!! (Oh well, it was good, I have to admit.) 

Later at work had: 

juice out of an orange (it was one of those Sunkist kind that I don't like)
small Fuji apple

As soon as I got home, I ate: 

1 piece of Veggie Pizza Pie

Then, Boni made one of her soy chicken patties. Oh it smelled good. That smell of breaded anything, kills me! But I chose to create a new recipe instead. I wanted something more like the pizza, but not the nuts, since I'd gone crazy already with nut stuff today. So I created Mambo Rawtaliano - zucchini, spaghetti sauce, green pepper, marinated mushrooms, red onion, black olives (out of the can), parsley and a little salt. 

3/4 bowl of Mambo Rawtaliano
glass of decaf iced tea

Immediately ate dessert (what the heck is going on!!!!):

1 slice Strawberry Chocolate Pecan Pie 

Then if that weren't bad enough, I started craving that stupid soy chicken patty. I really wish I knew what was going on (Boni says I'm reading too many journals with cooked foods in it --- could that be it? Am I not stronger than that? Does it make me think about it? I had heard some people don't write the specifics of their cooked food in their journals because it triggers others. I don't wanna be that way though. I wanna face what I eat, I wanna have to write it. You think writing what all I binged on today is easy? It's not. I overate. I binged. And I don't know why, but I take responsibility. I caved on the soy chicken patty, if you're wondering.)

1 soy chicken patty (cooked, not even vegan)
glass of decaf iced tea

1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw) with celery (I was still craving the soy chicken patty, and wanted to get the taste out of my mouth, but to use PB?? What kind of rationale is that???)

This is sick. I'm disgusted reading what I've eaten today. I'm ashamed, and angry at myself for my binge. But I have to be honest. I have to say it out loud to not let it have power over me. This is what is so tough about having a journal online, and having a Raw website.  I'm supposed to be a role model, a positive influence, a good example of living the Raw lifestyle. Well, this is the reality of overcoming cooked food addiction. Some days are tougher than others, for me, for many people. I know I'm not alone, and take comfort in that. 

You know what's weird. Sometimes I'd read others' journals and see a binge and think, I have control over that now, I don't think I'll do that. But then, tonight happened. I'm not in control of it yet, but I won't let it control me. 

(In case you're wondering, my stomach is in terrible pain right now, so I know my body's asking why I made the choices I made.)

I admit what I've done to myself and tomorrow I will make better choices. I forgive you, Michelle.

April 20, 2004, Tuesday (Day 110)

Stomach ache from yesterday, but dealing with it. Body's just saying, "don't do that again, k?" 

Feel better today about what I did yesterday. Going to leave it in the past and look forward to making healthier choices. 

banana
6 oz water

Boni suggested I bring my lunch to work today and not leave to go home, since going home for lunch is always a rush and I grab what's prepared, not what's necessarily good for me. She's right, I didn't have a salad yesterday and look what happened. Salads at lunch make the whole day work. I'm gonna work very hard to remind myself of that each day. I made a nice salad with some homemade raw dressing (Creamy Italian out of The Complete Book of Raw Food). I brought a corn on the cob, some black olives to add to my salad, my bananas, oranges, and apples. Forgot to bring a few nuts for substance, but should be fine. 

At about 10:30 I was hungry already. 

corn on the cob (this is funny - I put it on a plate, then used the Ozarka tank to put heated pure water on the plate to try to heat the corn without microwaving it --- ate a few mouthfuls and decided I really don't care for it raw --- so I nuked it for about 45 seconds - much better --- didn't need to salt/pepper it even)

orange (right after the corn, not smart, but I wanted it)

glass of decaf iced tea

Had my salad around 11:00. I was hungry --- go through spurts of hunger, then not-so-hungry. It's a hungry week. 

Salad: romaine, leafy greens, grape tomatoes, carrots, celery, raisins, walnuts, black olives, Creamy Italian raw dressing (yikes, spicy!!!)

Great salad --- I'm digging black olives right now - think I'm in an Italian sort of a place --- first the Veggie Pizza Pie, then the Mambo Rawtaliano, now black olives on my salad - guess when I had it at Olive Garden last, it reminded me how much I liked them. I'm also craving pickles for some reason (not Italian, but still something I'm craving). Pickles --- sounds yummy to me. Maybe cause Summer's coming?? I wish they weren't cooked. Darn. 

glass of decaf iced tea
orange

large Fuji apple
8 oz water

bite of Veggie Pizza Pie
1 c. brazil nuts

salad: leafy greens, romaine, grape tomatoes, celery, carrots, radish, raisins, walnuts, Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing (bought some at the grocery store after work --- not really liking the Creamy Italian that much)
8 oz water

2 Tbl peanut butter (not raw)
1/4 c. raisins
large piece of Banana Nut Pudding Pie

2 Coconut Macaroons 

Went for a short walk with my neighbor, her grandson and Suki and Simon. We did half the loop around our neighborhood, we walked down the hill to the bottom, then kept going half way up the other side, then around and up the hill back to my house. It's quite a hill, we had to stop and take a breather at one point. It felt good on my legs though, they needed some working. 

Redmond Milkshake (minus the young Thai coconut, instead shredded coconut)

April 21, 2004, Wednesday (Day 111)

Today's a good day. I'm a little tired, pretty hungry today. But a good day. Almost to the weekend. I adore the weekends. On Monday mornings all I can think about is Friday night. It's Wednesday --- thinking about Friday night. I love "5:00 Friday." We're going to the Fayetteville Farmer's Market for the first time this season on Saturday. Can't wait. 

banana
8 oz water

2 large oranges (oh man, I love those)

large Fuji apple (bruise cut out of it)

Boni took the last of the salad mix to work with her, so I knew we didn't have a salad at home for me to have for lunch. I had $2 in my wallet, so I decided to go to Wendy's (my first drive through at a fast food joint since I went Raw) to get a plain baked potato and a side salad. I had a little laugh at the fact that I have a bumper sticker that says "www.FromSADtoRAW.com" and I'm in a Wendy's drive through. But I figure, if they go to the site, they'll see this note and see that I wasn't eating a burger or fries or a Coke. Not that a baked potato is raw, but since I'm not 100% raw, I won't feel bad about it. 

Ah, yes, the bumper sticker. Kinda hoped you'd skim over that part. Yea, I set up an account on Cafe Press cause I was thinkin' I wanted to make a lunch box with From SAD to RAW on it, to take my lunch to work in. I'm such a dork!!! Anyway, I ended up setting up a couple of products, and decided to get a bumper sticker for my car. Don't ask me why, I just did it. (I put it on after I washed the car last weekend.) 

Anyway, so I got the food and headed home to let the puppies out to potty. Ok, now I understand why burgers and fries are considered fast food and salads and baked potatoes are not. You do not eat a baked potato or a salad while driving your car. It just doesn't work. I didn't have toppings on the baked potato (other than some chives, salt and pepper), so that wasn't too bad, though driving with my knee, trying to salt/pepper the potato and use a fork to get the food to my mouth, isn't exactly easy. Don't even get me started on eating a salad. If you can call the salad you get from Wendy's a salad. Why did I ever like iceberg? It is nasty. And the carrots? Oh cardboard pieces of string. The grape tomatoes were good, cucumbers mediocre. And of course the only fat free salad dressings they had were ranch or french. I figured French was safer, given that ranch probably had milk products in it. So trying to eat a salad with bright orange French dressing while driving; and mind you, we live out in the hills, where you have to take windy roads around pastures and fields. Bottom line --- by the time I got home...French dressing on the seat belt, my dress pants, my sleeve. Dumb. Fresh food does not equal fast food (not that Wendy's is considered fresh, just mean non-finger foods). 

baked potato (chives, regular salt, pepper)
1/2 salad (grape tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots), 1 Tbl fat-free commercial French dressing
10 oz water

4 coconut macaroons (why 4? 2 would certainly have been enough)

glass of decaf iced tea
banana

After work, Boni and I were going to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. I was still hungry, just hours after having a baked potato and several pieces of fruit throughout the day. I told her I couldn't go into a grocery store if I was hungry, that's not smart. So, I stopped at Wendy's again!!! and got another plain baked potato. Boni had a few bites of it, and she concurred with me that potatoes plain are so good now --- when as SAD eaters, we would never have touched a baked potato that wasn't loaded with sour cream, butter, and cheese. 

baked potato (chives, regular salt, pepper)
glass of decaf iced tea

Not a very Raw day today I guess. 2 cooked potatoes, darn. I think I'm PMSing. I have to be. I've been emotional, bitchy, short-tempered, irritated, and insatiable. I want to eat everything in sight. And the second I finish eating something, I'm off to find the next thing. I know one reason is I'm overeating on the Raw gourmet desserts. But the rest must be my cycle starting. I had my last period on April 1st, so this would be about right for when my next cycle starts. Great, so when I take my 4 month pictures, I'll be all bloated and fat and broken out! Argh.

Speaking of raw gourmet desserts, I made a new Raw dessert tonight. I named it Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie. Boni really liked it, said she thinks it's her favorite so far. I really like the Banana Nut Pudding Pie the best so far, but this one did turn out pretty good. I really need to focus more of my recipe efforts on non-dessert recipes. I have a zillion of those, and those aren't the ones that are going to provide the most nutrition. Duh..... 

Here's the plethora of food I had the rest of the night ---- God, I'm full now. 

2 pieces Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie
1/2 c. nuts
3/4 mango (first fresh one ever; had one one time at Thai Kitchen in Austin over sticky rice -- doubt that one was fresh, and didn't like it then either --- if you ever go to Thai Kitchen AND you are a SAD eater, get the egg custard and sticky rice, best dessert on the planet --- don't get it if you're Raw, of course)
8 oz water
1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw)
3 strawberries dipped in carob sauce (sauce is from the Strawberry Chocolate Pecan Pie recipe)
bite of a Bartlett pear (not ripe enough yet, but so excited to finally see them in the stores again!)

Ok, definitely chalking this low-raw few days up to PMS. It's a phase --- I'll get back in the swing of Raw soon enough. Don't be disappointed in me, I really want to be high Raw, just have to work through the tough times. 

April 22, 2004, Thursday (Day 112)

Quote from a wonderfully supportive email I received today. "What we resist persists and what we look at goes away." I like that - takes the power away from always fighting my SAD food addictions.

Commitment to myself. Today I will have a 100% raw day, and see how good I feel. 

banana
4 oz water

large navel orange (yum!! I'll never get tired of these)
banana

large navel orange (again, yum!! I have to be careful of the sugar, cause I could eat these all day!)
glass of decaf iced tea

Big salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, grape tomatoes, carrots, celery, green peppers, cashews, walnuts, raisins, 2 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing, cracked pepper
8 oz water
piece of Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie (didn't need that, I'm getting used to having dessert after meals, now I'm uncomfortably full)

Bartlett pear (yummmmmm, oh how I've missed my Bartlett pears)
glass of decaf iced tea

large Fuji apple

1/2 c. nuts
Another big salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, grape tomatoes, carrots, celery, green peppers, walnuts, raisins, 1 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette, cracked pepper

1 Coconut Macaroon

Banana Mango Cashew Shake (YUM!!!!!)

1 Kiwi
8 oz water

I DID IT!!!! (Ok, besides the Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing) Woohoo!!! It's not so hard. I'll write more this weekend, it's late and I'm exhausted. Happy Raw Day to me! Happy Raw Day to you!

I'm a happy girl.

April 23, 2004, Friday (Day 113)

Yep, I feel good today. Went to bed late, but still woke up feeling rested and calm. My experiment worked - healthy, raw food is good for you (tongue in cheek) --- DUH! I feel great! Got to make a serious effort here --- it's not even THAT big of an effort, but the rewards are super. Also, I weighed on my scale at work this morning, and sure enough, the 3 pounds I had gained back eating "bad" those several days....they're back off, and then 1 pound more! I mean how much convincing do I need that Raw works? None --- just have to remember that in those 'weak' moments. 

2 bananas
glass of decaf iced tea

large navel orange (yum again)

Bartlett pear
glass of decaf iced tea

small orange (don't like those as much --- the bagged oranges just aren't as good)

Couldn't really go home for lunch today, so I went through the Wendy's drive through and got a plain baked potato (chives, salt, pepper only). I wanted a salad, but wasn't about to get that nasty one from Wendy's, so I headed down the road to McDonald's, where I had heard the salads had gotten pretty good, with real romaine and everything. I could bore you with the details of my 5-minute drive through discussion about no chicken, no eggs, no cheese, no bacon bits, no Ranch--- or just tell you I settled on a side salad, which turned out to be super. I got Newman's Own Low-Fat Balsamic Vinaigrette, which was really good. 

plain baked potato (chives, non-Celtic sea salt, pepper)
8 oz water
side salad (romaine, carrot slivers, balsamic vinaigrette dressing)

Went by Nature's Harmony, a health food store in Bentonville, and picked up some raw sunflower seeds, raw cashews, and some Spry. I realized today that I haven't mentioned whenever I have a piece of Spry gum - which is about 3 times a week, maybe less. Spry is a natural gum that has Xylitol. I snacked on the cashews on the way back to work, and off and on the rest of the afternoon. I don't think I'll buy them from there anymore, they tasted freezer burned. Ick. 

6 oz. raw cashews
glass of decaf iced tea

large Fuji apple (on my way to the airport to pick up the CEO of our company)

1 Coconut Macaroon
medium salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, radishes, grape tomatoes, walnuts, raisins, Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette
8 oz water

1/4 Bartlett Pear

1 corn on the cob (microwaved 3 minutes), sea salt, pepper
1 piece Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie with some carob sauce drizzled on it

Busy at work. Tired. Glad it's Friday. It's late now and I need to get up early. Talk more this weekend. 

Denise and Boni in the kitchen


Lunch served by Denise

April 25, 2004, Sunday (Day 115)

I feel better today. Haven't forgotten, haven't let it go, but feel like I worked through the emotions through crying, talking it out on my voice recorder, praying with Boni, and sleeping on it. I still hate those boys and what they did, but I will accept that what goes around, comes around. They'll get theirs one day.

glass of decaf iced tea

I was getting kinda cranky, whining to Boni about nothing, and punching away at the computer keys this morning while sitting on the couch. Boni finally saw that I needed to unwind, so she told me to put my computer down, she grabbed two bananas and she took me out back on the deck. We sat on the deck, with the dogs and my cat, eating our bananas, soaking up the sun (the first all week), and enjoyed the quiet and the birds. Sometimes it's good to just leave the reality of computers and couches and stereos and be in nature, to reconnect and start fresh. 

banana
1/2 c. Brazil nuts

Salad: romaine, leafy greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, celery, carrots, green onion, raisins, walnuts, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette

Then I wanted dessert, not the last piece of Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie, but didn't want to take the only piece of Carrot Cake that Denise had sent home with us (I knew Boni and I would share that after dinner tonight). So I ate the Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie, I guess just to finish it up. Sunday's are a day to clean out the fridge and create all new recipes for the week. 

1 piece Nutty Chocolate Mousse Pie

Talked to a cooked friend from Austin today on the phone. Boni had talked to her last night about Raw and told me to send her an email with a link to From SAD to RAW. I immediately got a great email back from her saying how great I look and asking questions about going raw (her and her partner are seriously considering it now). So I decided to give her a call to talk more about it. It was so nice to have someone really see the difference Raw has made in our lives. And it was nice to talk to someone about Raw who was receptive to hearing it. We invited them to come out for a week and have a little Raw retreat, where they'd live on Raw foods and gourmet dishes. 

glass of fresh-squeezed apple juice (oh my gosh, so so so good!!!! made with the Samson juicer out of 1 small and 2 medium Fuji apples)

Made Eggplant Pizza today for our dinner. It was ok, very pretty, but tasted just ok. Of course, I loved the toppings, but raw eggplant, hmmm, not sure what I think of that. Will make it again of course, cause I believe you have to try things about 5 times to really know if you like it or don't. 

6 Eggplant Pizza slices (put some Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette on two of them)
glass of decaf iced tea

1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw)

Redmond Milkshake (minus young Thai coconut, instead used shredded coconut)

salad: romaine, leafy greens, radish, grape tomatoes (YUM these are really tiny and so sweet!), celery, carrots, raisins, walnuts, 1 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette, cracked pepper
glass of decaf iced tea

few banana chips
piece of dried cinnamon apple 
piece of dried pear

1/4 slice of raw Carrot Cake (leftovers from Denise's)

3 grape tomatoes
2 Tbls raisins

April 26, 2004, Monday (Day 116)

glass of decaf iced tea
1 c. raw trail mix

Didn't exactly start my day off on a healthy raw note --- should have had water and fruit, but was in a mood.

huge navel orange (yum yum yum, I wish I could eat 5 of these and not affect my blood sugar, or whatever it is that happens when you eat too much sweet fruits)

Ate lunch early today. I'm starving today. Definitely PMS. I get insatiable around this time. I'm irritated that my 4 month weigh-in and pictures are not going to accurately represent how much I weigh and how I look. I'll be bloated and I've already seen a few pounds come back on today from the last week. 

salad: leafy greens, carrots, celery, grape tomatoes, raisins, black olives (last of the small can we had), walnuts, 1 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing
glass of decaf iced tea

large Fuji apple

Was still sorta hungry after the salad and apple (I say sorta, cause I wasn't truly hungry, I just wasn't satisfied) --- so after I met Boni at the tire place to pick up our SUV after spending $150 on a new tire and rotation (yikes) I went through Wendy's yet again to get a plain baked potato (with chives/salt/pepper). It was good, now I'm stuffed, but satisfied. 

plain baked potato (chives, salt, pepper)
4 oz water

glass of decaf iced tea

1 piece of Eggplant Pizza
banana

another potato (microwaved, sea salt, pepper), 2 c. frozen peas (boiled on stove)
glass of decaf iced tea

1 c. mixed nuts

Redmond Milkshake (minus young Thai coconut, instead shredded coconut)

Ugh, drank tooooo much of the Redmond Milkshake, feeling ill now. I just "need" about 8 oz and always end up drinking like 24 oz of this shake. 

6 grape tomatoes

Sorta started my period today. That explains my moods, my constant hunger, and now my cramps. I'm not feeling good tonight. Achey, tired. 

April 27, 2004, Tuesday (Day 117)

Banana, mango, almond, maple syrup smoothie
piece of dried cinnamon apple
5 banana chips

I made a bunch of recipes today cause my Raw friend, James, is coming over tonight. I just told Boni I'm the new Betty Crawker, get it? Haha. And my food processor and dehydrator are my Crawk Pots. I'm such a dork. Anyway, I made Sunflower Refried Beans, Rawlsa, a version of Juliano's Sour Cream#2 (I used macadamia nuts instead of cashews), several varieties of tortilla chips (I'm sending some to Faith in NY, Boni's wanting more and we're having them for Rawchos tonight). I also created a new recipe: Cinnamon Apple Walnut Cookies. I made some almond milk to make vanilla frozen yogurt to go with the cookies. I used stockings to strain the milk. It really does work well to use pantyhose, though not ones with runs I've learned. Oh later in the evening when James got here, I made some Rawcamole too, to go on the Rawchos.

Salad: romaine, leafy greens, green peppers, celery, carrots, radishes, raisins, walnuts, 1 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette, cracked pepper
glass of decaf iced tea

bite of the Cinnamon Apple Walnut cookie "dough" (yum! I love to use leftover parts - I used apple pulp left from my Sunday apple juice)

Redmond Milkshake (why do I keep drinking these so often, when I really want them only every so often, it's making them not as special, and I always feel full afterwards)

glass of decaf iced tea

couple of bites of corn tortillraw chips

Something interesting is going on with me and animals. Today before James came over, I looked outside, and there was a dead yellow Finch on my back porch mat. I looked at her for a while, because I was upset and petrified as to what to do. I didn't want to let the dogs out, in case they'd get her. I didn't want to leave her there for obvious reasons. I was afraid that she might not be "all the way dead" so I didn't want to touch her. I was afraid she might have died from a disease, so I didn't want to leave her there for the other birds to be contaminated. But I paced for quite a while, doing little chores here and there and looking outside every so often, thinking maybe she'd just up and fly away (duh, she's dead, but thought maybe somehow she'd come back and be fine). Anyway, I figured it wouldn't be very good to have a dinner with a friend while a little bird lay just outside the kitchen door in view. I finally took a shop towel and gently picked her up, expecting her to squirm and fly out of my hands. She didn't. I carried her down to the base of the woods and laid her down to "rest in peace." I'm sure some animal will take her, but couldn't just throw her in the garbage. Man, what is it with me and animals lately. Did I mention that a few weeks back, Boni and I were coming home from somewhere late one evening and a Barred Owl was sitting in the middle of our street, hovering over a mouse or some rodent it had caught. It wouldn't let us pass until it had successfully killed the rodent. We just sat there watching in amazement, as this owl controlled the road. It was amazing and of course, beautiful, not to mention a rare moment in owl/human interaction. (We believe he's the owl that sings to us sometimes, "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you all?" It's incredible to live in the hills of the Ozarks. We have the most amazing things happen with nature.

1/2 Cinnamon Apple Walnut Cookie (to test if it was ready)

Dinner with my friend James:
2 plates of Rawchos with some lettuce, marinated mushrooms and chives. Strange food combining, but it was all super yummy!
2 glasses of decaf iced tea

Dessert: 
3 Cinnamon Apple Walnut Cookies with Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt (oh man, heaven!)

April 28, 2004, Wednesday (Day 118)

I don't remember what order I ate all of this in today, but here's my food for the day: 

4 oz water
2 Fuji apples
2 oranges
2 bananas
3 glasses of decaf iced tea
side salad from McDonald's with my Raspberry Vinaigrette
dry baked potato from Wendy's with chives, salt and pepper

plate of Rawchos without guacamole

Redmond Milkshake (minus the young Thai coconut, instead shredded coconut)

glass of decaf Iced tea

big bowl of Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with a bunch of pecans (I didn't need it after I had had the Redmond Milkshake earlier, but man I wanted it and it was soooooooooooooo good - anyone know Amy's Ice Cream? They have them in Austin where we used to live --- this is like their Mexican Vanilla Ice Cream)

Yea, not a lot of nutrition there today, except for the fruit in the morning. What happened to my daily salad?? Oh well, tomorrow's another day. 

April 29, 2004, Thursday (Day 119)

Today's here, and I'm depressed. I've eaten a dang baked potato almost every fricken day this week. What is wrong with me? I know it's my time of the month, but usually by the first full day, I'm done with my cravings and bad eating habits. Not this time. I know what it is, too. It's Weigh Day tomorrow. And picture day too. Ugh. I might as well call it D-day. Damn it. Drat. Dumb cooked food. Disgrace to the raw food world. Ok, might be exaggerating, but I'm really really upset with myself. I keep waking up each day saying ok: 

- only fruit til noon
- big salad for lunch
- something nutritious for dinner
- no "ice cream concoctions"
- go for a walk

Each day, I fail --- oh I'm not supposed to say fail. Delayed success. Whatever it is, I don't like how it's making me feel. Or as Denise might gently correct me to say, "I don't like how I'm making myself feel."

I'm eating and eating and eating and not getting satisfied. I'm not really hungry, so I am getting full. I'm just not "done," you know? It's like I eat my banana and say, "What now?" I eat an orange, and go, "Hmmm, that didn't do it." I have an apple, and think, "That wasn't a cheeseburger." A cheeseburger? Yea, ok, that's a thought that goes through my mind. Boni and I have talked about it and whenever I eat SAD foods like my baked potato from Wendy's, it just makes me want more SAD food. It doesn't do what I expect or hope it to do --- satisfy me to not want any more SAD food. It's truly an addiction. You don't smoke one more cigarette and not want to smoke any more. Your body just wants more of it. Same with me and SAD food. Boni says to think of like an allergy. If I get a baked potato, my body reacts negatively, and my mind reacts even MORE negatively. 

After I got my baked potato and salad today for lunch, I went over to Nature's Harmony (the only health food store in Bentonville), and bought organic raw walnuts, sunflower seeds and cashews. We're going to a Raw potluck this weekend and I have no clue what I'm making but I know I'm nearly out of all nuts, which is typically a staple of any recipe I make to take. 

Now this was immediately after I finished the potato and salad, and yet I still dug into the bag of NON soaked cashews. And what's worse, is they tasted like hell. I knew this from buying them there before. They have the worst fridge taste, like they've been in there a decade. It was a 6 oz bag, but don't let 6 oz fool you. 6 oz is a lot of cashews. Too many for me to be eating in one sitting. I got back to the office and kept pulling the little baggie out of the purchase sack to snag a few. 

Have you ever seen Thelma and Louise? I've seen it about a zillion times and there's one scene that always reminds me of how I binge. If you're a loyal T&L fan, you already know which one it is....Thelma's in the kitchen before they leave on their adventure, she's talking on the phone with Louise, and she keeps going back to the freezer to bite off a piece of a candy bar. She puts it back, walks away from the freezer, walks back, takes another bite and keeps doing this til it's pretty much gone. Well that's what I was doing with the little baggie of cashews. I'd put it back in the bag, type for a bit, then go back to the bag, pull out another handful, eat it, put it back, and then do it all over again. I was a little cashew fiend. And they suck!!!! Stale, nasty cashews, not soaked. Freak. 

So I'm saying it here and now. Tomorrow when I weigh, I may have not lost more weight, I may have even gained weight. That will not stop my Raw journey. I'll begin again and have more dedication and drive to succeed. 

Anyway, here's what I ate today:

4 oz water
1 banana (threw away two others that were bruised and mushy)
2 Fuji apples
1 1/2 oranges (they got too dry and weren't juicy and wonderful like the others I've been eating)

glass of decaf iced tea

dry baked potato from Wendy's (with Chives, salt and pepper)
side salad (from Wendy's - too lazy to go over to McD's to get the better one there), 3 cherry tomatoes, carrot cardboard strings, 2 crappy cucumber disks, Fat Free French dressing
8 oz water

5 oz raw, unsoaked cashews (left one oz in the bag)
1 oz raw, unsoaked walnuts

Oh I forgot to mention that I went on to FitDay's website, cause I've heard so many people say they enter their food intake there and it gives them info about how they're eating. Um, ok, so how do I list a Redmond Milkshake? A bite of raw Cinnamon Apple Walnut cookie? A plate of Rawchos? I started entering the food by ingredient and after about 30 ingredients, I gave up. Maybe there's an easier way to do it, but I couldn't figure it out. I think I like my, eat what feels right approach. If I'll just get myself to eat right, that is!

Later....

Made a salad when I got home from work today. It was with the last of our salad, which was all wilty and yuck! I picked at it and choked down about half of it.

1/2 salad: romaine, leafy greens, radish, celery, carrots, green pepper, raisins, pecans, about 4 flax seed crackers, 1 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette, cracked pepper
8 oz water

1 coconut macaroon

medium bowl of leftover Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with some pecans chopped up coarsely in it

2 corn on the cob (microwaved), sea salt and pepper

1/8 c. raisins
4 macadamia nuts
5 pecans

8 oz water

April 30, 2004, Friday (Day 120 - 4 months Raw!)

I did it, made it to 4 months. Doesn't seem like that big of an accomplishment at 80% raw, but I know it is, and am proud of my progress. Today was Weigh Day....no drum roll. Total weight loss 46 pounds, current weight is now 264 pounds. Which, if you keep up with my journals, actually means I gained a pound from April 15. I know why, so I'm not too concerned about it. It will keep coming off. At least for April I did lose another 5 pounds, so that's good. I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy, cause I'm not. I so badly wanted to be able to say I ended month 4 with a total of 50 pounds lost. And actually as of about 2 weeks ago, I had lost 50 pounds, but then gained back 4 pounds during the last week or so (I weigh on my scale at work, then get my official weight loss at my doctor's office).  I'm ok, but not happy. Next month will be different.

4 oz water
2 oranges
1 Fuji apple
glass of decaf iced tea

2 bananas

Brought my lunch to work today, so if I didn't get to go home, I wouldn't be tempted by Wendy's baked potato and McDonald's salad (not that they are truly tempting, but it sounds good when I have nothing else to eat). 

Salad: radishes, cherry tomatoes, romaine, leafy greens, raisins, pecans (out of other nuts), 2 Tbl Ken's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette
glass of decaf iced tea
1 Fuji apple

When I got home, I started cleaning the mess of a kitchen so that I could start "cooking" for the Raw Potluck tomorrow. Normally, I'm much more organized and would already be done with whatever I was making. This week, I haven't wanted to do anything but work on the site. 

2 bowls Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt (not going to put a negative response to this, it was raw, it was good, ate more than I needed, but that's ok)

1 Tbl peanut butter (not raw, ate out of boredom)

bite of a few different crackers I'm making for Faith and Boni

I guess I didn't really eat dinner tonight. I had the frozen yogurt and then just didn't really feel like anything else. I'm tired and tomorrow's picture day, so I'm gonna go to bed. 

Weight - 264 lbs - total weight loss 46 pounds

May 2, 2004, Sunday (Day 122)

Tried a Quince (Boni says it's pronounced like "prince") for the first time. This is a yellow fruit shaped like a mix between an apple and a pear, from Chile. I peeled it, cut off a slice and tried a bite. ICK!!! It was bitter and immediately made my tongue go numb and tingly. What the heck was that? I tried a couple of more small bites, but my tongue was literally going numb. Boni will usually try anything, and she went hell no. She said, she only eats those exotic type of fruits when she's IN the exotic place they came from. I think she may be right. I threw it out to the squirrels, sorry little buddies, hope your little tongues don't go numb (though maybe that will keep you off my bird feeders).

bite of Quince fruit

Made a mango, young Thai coconut, banana, cashew smoothie - best so far! Gonna put that recipe up today for sure! I think I'll call it Michelle's Mango Miracle. It made a whole pitcher, but I drank half of it and put the rest in the freezer for later. 

16 oz Michelle's Mango Miracle (yum!)
10 cashews

I should really be outside today. It's soooo beautiful, but we have some new journalers that I want to work on their pages, and I've got a ton of recipes to get added from the potluck yesterday. 

I hadn't mentioned this in my journal yet, but figure I should since it's one of those Changes that I'm making. On Wednesday night, I decided to cut back again on my Celexa, anti-anxiety medication. When I started Raw, I was on 60 mg, I've gradually weaned back and now, since Tuesday, I'm on 10 mg. That's the lowest dose of medication I've been on in, I don't even know how long. I'm realizing the empowerment I feel about being off Vioxx (knee pain), Prevacid (acid reflux) and now almost being off of Celexa. What a wondrous feeling it will be to go to bed at night with nothing healing me, but Raw foods (not that any of that medication actually heals!). 

When Boni got home from the grocery store, she made us a big salad and we went out back to enjoy it on the deck. It's a gorgeous sunny and windy day with the hummingbirds, woodpeckers, wrens, finches, titmice, and chicadees flying all over the place. 

salad: romaine, leafy greens, green/red pepper, red onion, fresh basil, carrots, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, cracked pepper, walnuts, and a new commercial dressing (Paul Newman's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette)

Boni knows I'm not giving up commercial lite dressings yet, so every time I get a new bottle, she picks out one that's a little healthier than the last. I was using Ken's Raspberry Vinaigrette, so now she's switched me to Paul Newman's. It's not as good, but as she reminded me, it's not as bad for me either :)

1 c. cashews (yikes, digging into those again, cause they came from ONF, much better than the Nature's Harmony ones)

orange

Corn on the cob (microwaved with sea salt and pepper)

rest of Michelle's Mango Miracle smoothie

1 c. cashews (anyone notice this about the zillionth cashew today - oh well, I'll feel it in the morning - I had missed my cashews!)

3/4 large potato (microwaved) with a few Tbls Spaghetti Sauce, green onions, sea salt, pepper
1 1/2 c. frozen peas (microwaved) with sea salt and pepper
2 glasses decaf iced tea

Not sure why, but I decided on the corn, potato, and peas late this afternoon. Hadn't had a need for cooked this weekend til this evening, and I think it's because all of my work team is coming in tomorrow, and Boni's sister is coming to town on Wednesday. Kind of a lot to deal with this week. Sunday nights are often tough for me. It's hard to let go of the weekend, I love to be in my "rawness" away from the work world, out here in nature, with the pups, the birds, Boni, my raw kitchen, etc. 

Have to tell you all that we have a chicadee nest in our bluebird box (don't have the heart to evict em), and a carolina wren building a nest for his woman (do yall know the men build nests for the females, then the females come check out the property and decide if that male gets to take care of her and bring her food while she incubates the eggs --- am I wrong for thinking that's not such a bad idea for humans??? JUST KIDDING, I just cracked up when Boni read that to me tonight after we'd been eyeing the new home the little wren is building next to the front door in a cactus pot, literally snug up against a cactus.)

I love life, and I love From SAD to RAW. I haven't said this too much, but this site is really one of the best things that has happened to me. I'm taking control of my health and my weight and it feels really good. Thanks for being on this journey with me.  

May 3, 2004, Monday (Day 123)

So much to post today - I normally journal my thoughts and food intake throughout my days, but today was crazy busy at work, so I am going on memory...

Oh before that though, something interesting. Last night, I don't know if it was the cooked potato/corn/peas or if it was the fact that I OD'd on nuts yesterday, but I had some serious - sorry to be crass, but trying to be honest about how my body reacts to things - diarrhea. From now on, I'm going to use the words "cha cha cha" instead of diarrhea, because, well, for obvious reasons, I suppose. In case you're wondering where the hell I got "cha cha cha," it's from the Charmin commercial, get it? Ok. 
So anyway, had some serious cha cha cha and acknowledge it was my body's way of saying, "Oh hell no, enough with the nut overdose and the cooked foods."

Today I had: 

6 oz water
2 bananas
orange
1 Fuji apple
glass of decaf iced tea

Team came in from out of town and we went to lunch at Brioso Brazil, my favorite favorite salad bar in the area. I really appreciate when the team chooses a restaurant that they know I can truly enjoy. I had roasted cashews and the fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing and man oh man was it good. I enjoyed that cooked part of my day. 

2 full plates of salad: romaine, leafy greens, red/green/yellow pepper, celery, cherry tomatoes, green olives, black olives, raisins, roasted cashews, roasted sunflower seeds, cracked pepper, fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing
16 oz water

orange
glass of decaf iced tea

Went to dinner with the team. We ate at Shogun and had a really nice time. This time I knew to tell the chef in advance that I wanted my veggies lightly stir-fried with absolutely no oils, sauces or butter. They screwed up at first, then cleaned off the stove top and started with fresh veggies. I had 1/2 bowl of my salad with ginger dressing and 1/2 bowl of my colleague's salad. I ate half of mine and half of his cause the bottom of both salads were drenched in dressing and I didn't want that part. I also had a bowl of the Miso soup. It was lukewarm which went down well. I really really really enjoyed the dinner, but almost immediately got a headache and a really tight stomach. I probably overate, but the cooked part definitely set in on me. I enjoyed the meal, and accepted the discomfort as a symptom of cooked and a reality if I choose to have some cooked in my life. Didn't beat myself up over it, that's for sure (that's an accomplishment). 

1/2 bowl iceberg with ginger dressing
1/2 bowl iceberg with ginger dressing
small bowl Miso soup, lukewarm (cooked)
full plate of lightly stir-fried veggies (cooked, but with no oils, sauces or butter)
16 oz water

Normally I don't tell too much about Boni's raw journey, cause it's her story to tell, but I will say, that I brought her a ton of leftover sushi that everyone else at the table had ordered. Boni's favorite SAD meal used to be sushi, and I figured she'd be interested in this as a treat. I called her before we left the restaurant and she excitedly accepted the offer for me to bring her leftovers. When I got home, she gobbled up a bunch of the sushi (many varieties to choose from), and obviously enjoyed it. But not minutes later she was regretting her decision to eat the raw fish and rice. She got sick and had to get rid of it within 20 minutes of eating it. She said, "I don't need to do that again." Our bodies have a way of telling us what we can and can't eat, doesn't it ---- now if we'll just listen. 

It's late and I still have a bad headache. Going to go to bed now to alleviate it. 

May 4, 2004, Tuesday (Day 124)

Did very well today! If I weren't so exhausted tonight, I might spend an hour recounting the great Raw day I had.

2 bananas
1 small Fuji apple

Subway with team today for lunch. The smell of the fresh baked bread was incredible. Never a thought crossed my mind that I'd order anything other than a salad, but you know, those smells bring back memories. Pretty sad to think Subway bread as enticing, but it is. 

Large salad: romaine, iceberg, tomatoes, green peppers, black olives, brought my own Paul Newman's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette (2 Tbl)
12 oz water

2 small oranges

1 large Fuji apple

Team decided to go to Mexican restaurant for dinner. First they wanted Abuelo's (fancy Mexican) then they decided on On The Border. I knew either one would be difficult for me. It's not an option to cheat and eat that food, but it doesn't mean that being around it is easy. I prepared myself by saying what I would order - a large salad and a side of guacamole. I knew the chips would be on the table, but I'd focus on something else, and that's what I did. Sure, it smelled and looked good. I mean Mexican food and Pizza are my two weaknesses. But I haven't succumbed to them yet and don't plan to. I looked over the menu and took a piece of paper and wrote down what I wanted on my salad. There's never a truly veggie salad, so you have to say "No this," "yes that." I gave her my piece of paper and she was pleased that I had written it all out for her. I wrote "BIG salad - mixed greens, tomatoes, pico de gallo, don't put it in taco shell put it in a regular bowl, side of guacamole." I had her bring me a small side cup of Sweet Pepper Vinaigrette. Oh and I got water, while everyone else ordered margaritas and beers and such. I had lemon again in my water, it's become routine, now that my allergy to lemons is gone. That's just so weird. So I focused on talking with the team while they all ate chips and salsa til dinner came. Then I had to sit in between two orders of fajitas. Oh those tortillas looked good, but I felt very empowered making the choice to eat salad. I knew they'd be paying for it later, while the scale rewarded me for my determination to succeed. 

Large salad: mixed greens, tomatoes, pico de gallo, Sweet Pepper Vinaigrette
24 oz water

I was hungry when I got home (which I bet was the opposite feeling of my peers), so I had a cup of raw nuts and raisins. Yum, it was like dessert. 

1 c. mixed raw nuts, raisins
glass of decaf iced tea
1 Tbl peanut butter (wanted something else sweet, but too lazy to make a shake or ice cream)

Great day today, so proud of myself. I really feel like I'm coming into my own with this Raw lifestyle. 

I haven't acknowledged in my journal, the emails that I receive. I am overwhelmed by the kindness people offer and the support they freely give to me on this journey. I also want to say that if you've sent me an email and I haven't personally responded, please send it again. I respond to all emails and apparently my email has been having some issues lately, not wanting to deliver some of these wonderful emails. 

May 5, 2004, Wednesday (Day 125)

2 bananas
1 small orange

glass of decaf iced tea

1 large orange

Took half a day off today cause Boni's sister came into town for a show and a visit (she sells various products at trade shows, conferences, craft shows, etc.). I cleaned the house, which was kind of like getting a work out. I also hurriedly made some recipes up, since I've been coming in late each night this week with work. I made Marinated Mushrooms, a new version of Sunny Spread, cut up celery, cut up strawberries, made a carob dipping sauce for the strawberries, and a pitcher of decaf iced tea. I was on a roll getting things done. I made a Michelle's Mango Miracle smoothie and drank a glass of it and took the other glass to my neighbor's house, since I feel like I've been neglecting them lately (Boni gives the wife a massage three times a week, and I used to go down and visit with the husband, but I've been sooooo busy lately.)

16 oz glass of Michelle's Mango Miracle (mango, banana, ice, water, maple syrup, almonds) - this is my new favorite drink

1 c. almonds (soaked and dehydrated)
glass of decaf iced tea

carrots, celery and Sunny Spread
Zucchini Spaghetti with spaghetti sauce and marinated mushrooms
glass of decaf iced tea

bowl of Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt (made without the young coconut), fresh, sliced strawberries, carob sauce on top

2 ears of corn on the cob (microwaved, sea salt and pepper)
glass of decaf iced tea

Boni's sister enjoyed everything I made, having seconds of the ice cream. She had meatballs with the spaghetti, but that's ok. I'm not here to change everyone to Raw, the fact that she enjoyed the base of the meal is enough for me (increasing raw in your diet is better than nothing). 

I'm super tired lately. Not getting enough sleep. It seems all I want to do is play on the website. I guess that's ok, but sometimes I'm sitting in the recliner typing away on my laptop, and every so often I look out the screen door into the woods and at the birds at the feeders and think, "I should really be outside in nature, instead of on the computer." It seems ironic to be living a lifestyle so close to nature, living in a home so close to nature, and wanting to be more natural, and yet I spend my days and nights on an electronic gadget that gives me nothing but a sore neck, strained eyes, pale skin, and the like.

I'm going to make it a point to be outside this weekend, get some exercise and play.

May 6, 2004, Thursday (Day 126) Brioso!!

I've decided I'm going to start titling my journal entries with a sort of summary of the day, or something that stuck out in the day. I've seen several other journalers do that and I kind of like to see what their day was about. 

banana
orange
glass of decaf iced tea

Went to Brioso Brazil for lunch with a friend, an ex-colleague of mine whom I haven't seen since my 3rd week raw.  We didn't really talk about Raw too much, just caught up on our lives since January. I've missed her! (I was a little disappointed that she didn't say too much about how I look now.)

2 trips to the salad bar - full plates: romaine, leafy greens, celery, carrots, green/red/yellow pepper, cherry tomatoes, jumbo green olives, raisins, loads of cashews (roasted and salted), cracked pepper, fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing
16 oz water

I always eat too much at Brioso, and eat way too many cashews, but I enjoy it very much, and don't feel too badly for it. (A while back, I said I'd tell you the other thing Boni always says to me when I'm feeling badly about overeating something "healthy-but-not" --- On this occasion she would have said to me, 
"Did you eat a hamburger?" I'd respond, "No." 
"Did you order a piece of pizza?" I'd say, "No."
"Did you go have chips and queso?" I'd say, "No."
And she'd end with, "Well then, I think you did good."

That little banter we'd do always helped me remember that my eating habits have changed so much, that getting upset with myself over overeating some roasted cashews is not anything like getting upset over binging on a burger, fries and a coke at Wendy's.

medium Fuji apple
glass of decaf iced tea

Made Rawchos for the three of us tonight. Boni's sister, Brenda, really enjoyed them. I'm really getting into making Raw gourmet meals for us and guests. It feels so good to be able to make a hearty AND healthy meal and have everyone really enjoy it. 

plate of Rawchos

bowl of chocolate frozen yogurt with strawberries and almonds

May 7, 2004, Friday (Day 127) SAD Visitor

I woke up this morning to the strong smell of grilled chicken. Boni's sister is a SAD eater and bought a bunch of meat the day she arrived. Once a day she grills some chicken for the day. I don't want to eat chicken, and think it's nasty now when I see it, but it still doesn't mean that the smells don't trigger emotions related to cooked foods. The smells are things that I haven't stopped being affected by. It smells, I don't know if good is the right word, but something. I guess it's familiar. I don't like that it's filling the house and my nose. It's sort of triggering my desire to eat cooked, not meat really, but something that would smell so strong, like chicken does. Strange. It's like I'm getting hungry for it. This sucks. The smells have penetrated my system. 

Reminds me of that scene in "Finding Nemo," when Bruce, the shark-in-recovery, smells the blood of Dori's accident and goes into psycho-mode, wanting to do anything to get his fins on some fish. I'm not going to eat meat, but it's interesting how it still affects me. My stomach actually was growling this morning after smelling the chicken grilling. Like it was saying, "I remember that smell!!! Give me give me!" I'm not giving my tummy meat. 


Bruce craving fish

There are few things that Brenda does that are really healthy, which is so strange in combination with meat (to me). She takes flax seed and flax seed oil on her "diet", which is a Fat Flush plan, similar to Atkins but different. She's doing several natural forms of medication too, like cranberry juice concentrate in water throughout the day and lemon water in the mornings. It's interesting to be around someone doing so much natural, like us, and yet so radically different, in that she's eating a lot of meat. I'm sure many people think my "diet" is weird and is bad for me, which is fine. We all have to make our food journey one that works for us. 

Didn't eat too much today during the day at work. It was weird, even after this morning with the chicken, I wasn't really hungry. I was super focused at work, had tons of energy and was able to get a ton done. I got caught up for the most part. I think I find that I get work done better when I'm working alone in the office. My coworker left for lunch at 10:45 am, then when he got back, he left for the day, so I was working alone most of the day. I got super driven and focused, I cleaned up my office and feel really good going into the weekend. I have a few reports I'm behind on, but other than that I feel great. 

2 bananas
1 orange (I'm so over oranges right now)
medium Fuji apple (also boring)
glass of decaf iced tea

Went to Wendy's on my way to pick up Boni after work. I was hungry by then and we were going to Wal-Mart so I didn't want to feel hungry in such a SAD environment.

baked potato (dry, chives, regular salt and pepper)
glass of decaf iced tea

I'm so looking forward to the weekend. I wanna walk and play with the puppies and visit with Brenda and spend time with Boni. I feel really good, in general. I weighed today at the office and it says I've lost 2 more pounds, and that made me really really excited. I'm not having to focus on my food intake and the weight just keeps coming off, little by little. I'm almost under 260, which is so wonderful!!! I can't wait, that pound right before you move into the next 10-pound bracket is the best! Such an accomplishment! Looking forward to my official weigh day on May 14th. 

For dinner I made Crab Delight with large leafy green lettuce leaves to make wraps. We added Rawlsa, Rawcamole, marinated mushrooms and chopped tomato to them. Absolutely delicious. I think this is my favorite raw gourmet recipe. It is truly a treat, and I feel completely fulfilled, emotionally and physically. 

3 Crab Delight lettuce wraps (with some Rawcamole, marinated mushrooms and Rawlsa)
glass of decaf iced tea

We went over to our neighbor's tonight so they could meet Brenda. I made a Banana Nut Pudding Pie to take and we pretty well finished it off, leaving just a slice for them and a slice for Brenda. Yum!

1 large slice of Banana Nut Pudding Pie
glass of decaf iced tea

May 8, 2004, Saturday (Day 128) Raw Food Discussion Groups

I stayed up off and on all night last night working on the computer. Sometimes I get so obsessed with doing more and more and more to the site, that I think I'm going to go mad! Anything I'm passionate about, this happens with. Didn't I say a while back that I'd be working on balance in my life? I think so. But I haven't yet. 

So I woke up on the couch this morning at 5:00 am and instead of going to the bedroom to sleep, I got up and cleaned the kitchen, worked on the computer, and I don't even remember what else. I fell back asleep on the couch with the pups for a few more hours. 

Again this morning, I smelled the chicken. I guess I'm getting used to her cooking the meat, but I'll be glad when the house smells like nothing again. You don't realize how raw food preparation leaves little to no smell, while SAD cooking leaves such a strong smell in your house for days. 

1 glass of Michelle's Mango Miracle (with almonds instead of cashews, not as good as when I use cashews)
glass of decaf iced tea

large salad with Crab Delight: romaine, leafy greens, celery, carrots, tomatoes, Rawlsa, Rawcamole, Crab Delight, radishes, raisins, walnuts, cracked pepper
glass of decaf iced tea

Worked on the computer from 9:30 am until 4:00 when Boni got home from a volunteer function with the Flower, Garden and Nature Society. I didn't intend to spend all day on the computer, but I just can't drag myself away. I've heard other people get obsessed with researching raw foodism, raw foodists, message forums, books, links, facts, tips, recipes, whatever. I guess that's where I'm at right now. Think of little else. 

Something I thought I'd share regarding Raw Food discussion groups is that there are a TON out there, especially Yahoo! Groups. Listed below is a pretty extensive list of them, ones that you may want to join if they hold a particular interest to you. Discussion groups are/were a huge way I learned about Raw foodism, had my questions answered and meet a lot of wonderfully supportive people. 

12StepstoRaw Yahoo! Group
12StepstoRawFood Yahoo! Group
AZ Raw Foodists Yahoo! Group
Boulder Raw Yahoo! Group
Bragg Dieters Yahoo! Group
Cooked Food Addicts in Recovery Yahoo! Group
Eating Raw Yahoo! Group
Garden Harvest Gathering Yahoo! Group
Gulf Coast Raw Vegan Yahoo! Group
Hallelujah Diet and Lifestyle Club Yahoo! Group
Hallelujah Diet Kids Yahoo! Group
Hallelujah Diet Yahoo! Group
Las Vegas Raw! Yahoo! Group
Live Food Australia Yahoo! Group
Live Food New York Yahoo! Group
Living Food Diet Yahoo! Group
Living Foods Yahoo! Group
Mad Naturalist Yahoo! Group
Orange & Los Angeles County CA Yahoo! Group
Raw and Living Food Support Yahoo! Group
Raw Denton Yahoo! Group
Raw Diabetics Yahoo! Group
Raw Eating Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Articles Archive Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Atlanta Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Australia Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Babies Yahoo! Group 
Raw Foods Beginners Yahoo! Group
Raw Food in Australia Yahoo! Group
Raw Foodists Rochester Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Las Vegas Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Living - Portland Gatherings Yahoo! Group
Raw Food New Jersey Yahoo! Group
Raw Food News New Mexico Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Recipes Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Power Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Vegans Utah Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Watch Yahoo! Group
Raw Food Yahoo! Group
Raw Inspiration Yahoo! Group
Raw Seattle Yahoo! Group
Raw Seattle 2 Yahoo! Group
Raw Soul Yahoo! Group
Raw Teen Yahoo! Group
Raw Vegan Utah Yahoo! Group
Raw Vegetable Juicing Yahoo! Group
Raw Weight Loss Yahoo! Group
San Diego area Raw Living Foods Group Yahoo! Group 
San Francisco Bay Area Raw, Vegan Living Yahoo! Group
Sprout Raw Food Yahoo! Group
Veg-Raw Yahoo! Group
West Palm Beach Living Foods Yahoo! Group

Not to mention the hundreds to probably thousands of discussion groups just for people who feed their animals raw food. I didn't even consider listing all of those here (mainly because it's not in my personal interest to learn about, though I've heard it's a great thing for your pets - I feed mine a mix of vegetarian and lamb/rice. It's hard enough feeding myself raw, let alone doing it for my babies).

Now, was there ever a question that today's Subject would be titled Discussion Groups? Wow, huh? There's a lot of resources out there for us to tap into. Beware, you'll get a lot more email than you ever imagined if you sign up for these. Unless you choose the website viewing option only, which unfortunately, I've had to switch to with the large amount of personal email I'm managing lately. Personal email will always be more important for me to read and respond to, so sometimes discussion groups and message boards have to be my "luxury time" spent on the weekends. 

2 corn on the cob (microwaved, sea salt, pepper)

Worked outside with Boni for a while, this afternoon, moving a baker's stand for Boni's plants, and using our neighbor's leaf blower to try to move all of the leaves that are covering out home. Didn't work too well. 

glass of decaf iced tea

I didn't feel up to "cooking" a big meal, so I decided for dinner we'd all have a smorgasbord of leftovers: salad, marinated mushrooms, Rawlsa, Crab Delight, leafy green lettuce leaves, Sunny Spread, cut up veggies and lots of toppers like red and green onion, radishes, cherry tomatoes, etc. Everyone seemed satisfied with this. Actually we all chose to make Crab Delight lettuce wraps. If you haven't made this recipe, I strongly recommend it. To die for. Seriously. I'd be happy if that were my last meal, and the old me would have said pizza with chips and queso. Ha!

2 Crab Delight lettuce wraps with marinated mushrooms, Rawlsa, tomatoes
glass of decaf iced tea

small salad: leafy greens, cherry tomatoes, raisins, walnuts, carrots, celery, Paul Newman's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette

1 c. cashews

2 glasses of Michelle's Mango Miracle (added some cashews after Boni picked some up from ONF)
glass of decaf iced tea

May 9, 2004, Sunday (Day 129) Craft Fair Food

We drove out to the War Eagle Arts & Crafts Fair today. Boni's sister has been working the show selling a natural product, called APR (Arthritis Pain Relief), which is based of essential oils and grapeseed and flax seed oils. (Boni and I use it quite often on our achy backs, necks and knees. We also use it on mosquito bites and stuff like that to reduce the inflammation. I like the way it smells, all eucalyptus-y, most people think that's not a good smell, but I love it. Feels natural and is so cooling.)
Anyway, going on a day trip is big deal for Boni and I. We never make time to go do fun things and rarely have enough extra money to play with. So it's good Brenda was out there, as an enticement to go check it out. 
 
Had breakfast in the car on the way out there. 

banana
glass of decaf iced tea

When we got there, I immediately shoved another banana in my mouth, as I could already smell the "fair food." Corn dogs, funnel cakes, fried Twinkies, chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick, nachos, etc. are all those "fair foods" that get me every time. Especially the corn dogs. So I tried to "fill" myself by eating two bananas. Then I had Boni go back to the car to get me an apple. 

banana
10 oz water

medium Fuji apple

corn on the cob (roasted, dry)
6 oz water

baked potato (dry, regular salt & pepper)
20 oz water

1/2 large bag of in-shell roasted peanuts
12 oz water

Ugh, I was so full from that food, even though it was the best choices I could have made at a fair. We went to "The Salad Hut," excited that we'd actually be able to get a salad at a fair, but alas, all they had were taco salads and Indian salads, whatever that means. They were $6.00 and we didn't feel like shelling out that amount of money to have them remove the meat and other toppings that made it Taco or Indian. So Boni chose a Sweet potato and I chose a baked potato, neither of which did we feel bad about. 

Notice how much water I drank today? The cooked foods at the fair made me thirsty. It's like my body tells me, "Hey, when you feed me that crap, I have to have a lot of liquid to move it through. And not only that, but it is so processed that it dries my insides out and I need liquid. Remember fruit? That has lots of water in it for me, why do you have to go for the cooked stuff?" Anyway, just thought it was interesting how little water I normally drink, and how much water I drank today. Although I was outside, and although it wasn't sunny, we were walking around a lot so that definitely could contribute to my water intake.

I made us Raw Raviolis for dinner and Boni made a salad. She wants me to tell you all that I've been promising her a new Raw dressing for weeks now and haven't made time to make her one. It only takes 5 minutes to make a dressing, it's not like it's a big deal, I just haven't. And so, the poor thing had to make one herself. She of course chose the most simple dressing in The Complete Book of Raw Food, called Green Onion Dressing, but let me tell you, that easy dressing kicks butt. Most of you know I stay with commercial lite dressings that are vegan, but still commercially processed, so for me to like a raw dressing? Major major accomplishment. I told her we could stop buying the commercial dressings for me, and I'll be more open to trying raw ones, at least I know this one will do for a while. I'll post the recipe soon, cause I'm sure there are others who haven't made the switch from commercial yet either. It reminds me of Green Goddess dressing if you're familiar with it. 

medium salad: romaine, leafy greens, celery, white radishes (first time trying these, Boni got them yesterday at the Farmer's Market, yum, less intense than their red sisters), carrots, grape tomatoes, walnuts, raisins, cracked pepper, Green Onion dressing

6 Raw Raviolis (best attempt at these yet, I used the pine nuts that it calls for, makes a huge difference, don't substitute these)
glass of decaf iced tea

Made a Carob Bark recipe tonight. Each night, I've been making us a raw dessert (with having a guest, it's something I like to do). Tonight I threw together some pecans, walnuts, almonds, honey, cinnamon, and carob powder. I mixed it all together and thought, "Ok, now what?" So I went to my recipe binders (I print out every single recipe on my site and have it alphabetized in binders in the kitchen) and looked up Carob Bark. The only thing it looked like I needed to add was coconut oil . I had purchased some coconut oil late last year for using in bath and body products, but hadn't used it yet. It's not the highest quality coconut oil , but I looked online and it said "coconut oil is edible," so I went with it. I set it in some hot water to get it to liquefy, then added 1/2 c. of it to my mixture. It mixed well, and I spread it on a wax paper sheet and put it in a Tupperware container and put it in the freezer for an hour or so. Came out more like a really thick chewy nutty fudge, than "bark" like it says it should, but it probably is the quality of the coconut oil I used. The coconut oil also sorta separated from the carob nutty part, so it looked sorta like freezer burn. Trying to use my imagination and think it looks like white chocolate (ha!). I'll try it again with a better quality coconut oil next time. I think Nature's First Law has a high quality one. Of course, everything they sell is high quality. 

1/2 inch bite of Carob Bark (fudge)

Went to Wal-Mart with Brenda tonight. She needed more meat and we needed some more produce. I walked past the lobster tank and had to go ask Brenda, "When someone buys one of those, does it die immediately after being out of the water?" She said usually they steam it in the deli for the customer before they take it home. Why is it socially acceptable to have live sea life in a cramped tank in a grocery store, and yet we don't see baby pigs or little chickens in a pen in the meat department waiting to be slaughtered? Makes me sad, makes me sick, how we've just come to accept that these animals don't deserve a better life prior to their killing (not that their killing is a pleasant end), but the fact that they live in a cramped tank in a grocery store, with their pincers bound is bizarre, cruel and just so inhumane to me. Have I mentioned I'm a bleeding heart animal lover and these things tear me up if I stop to think about them?

2 one inch bites of Carob Bark (fudge)

orange

glass of decaf iced tea

May 10, 2004, Monday (Day 130) Pictures, Pictures, Pictures.

2 bananas
apple
orange

Medium salad: romaine, leafy greens, white radish, grape tomatoes, carrots, celery, raisins, walnuts, cracked pepper, green onion dressing (kind of gagged me a little bit)
5 Raw Raviolis (even better the second day)

1 corn on the cob (microwaved, sea salt and cracked pepper)
2 corn on the cob (microwaved, sea salt and regular pepper)

Cracked pepper on corn on the cob is disgusting. It does something funky thing to it that makes it smell like ass. Sorry for the visual, it's just gross and I had to really express that. 

2 one-inch bites of the Carob Bark (I don't really care for this that much)

Lettuce wrap of leftover ravioli filling, ravioli sauce and marinated mushrooms (ick, those things are better as a ravioli - ate about half of the lettuce wrap)

Attempted to make a peach cobbler. I had dried some granola oats and nuts as the base. And then I threw two whole peaches into the food processor, and if anyone just picked up on the fact that I said whole, yes. Forgot for some reason that there's a pit in a fricken peach, although the food processor kicked butt and chopped up the whole thing, obviously when I went to spoon the mixture out it had little bitty bits of the pit, and so it was completely ruined and I had to trash it. 

So I changed my mind <grin> and decided we'd have blackberry cobbler. I took the frozen blackberries that Boni had picked last year at Drake Farms in Rogers, Arkansas, and threw them into the food processor, because I wanted to get the seeds out of it, cause I hate the seeds. I added some almond milk and some honey and mixed it til it made a puree, which of course it's no longer blackberry cobbler-type topping. I strained the blackberry mixture - are you getting that I wasted a lot of time in the kitchen, and didn't really know what I was doing and was just sort of playing around and wasted a lot of food - strained it all, and put that in the fridge to sit. 

Then I made some vanilla ice cream, but I made it out of almond milk, cause, oh I had just made almond milk earlier and the pantyhose got a hole in it, and so I had to throw those out, and so then I wasn't able to really strain it, and I tried to use a strainer and that didn't really work, so the almond milk was very nutty, I don't know how to say it any other way, it was just thick and gloupy. So then, I took the almond milk and added it to ice, honey, vanilla and cinnamon, and attempted to make some ice cream, and it just tasted like shit. It wasn't sweet enough, it was just disgusting. 

Well I finally just said to Brenda, "This is probably gonna taste like shit, but I'll go ahead and put it all together, and we'll just try it anyway." So I put it all together, put the blackberry puree over the granola cobbler stuff, then put a dollop of ice cream on it and we tried it and it was disgusting, it was totally just nasty and I threw most of mine away. So, yea, today was a pretty unsuccessful recipe-making experience, and it's so weird how somedays I feel like I'm totally on and I can make some awesome desserts and recipes, and then other days it's not so on and everything I make tastes like crap. So, I really admire the raw chefs who are so creative and create such delicious and amazing recipes. 

1/2 bowl raw blackberry cobbler with ice cream

other half of the bag of roasted peanuts from the War Eagle Fair 

The peanuts are roasted, but not salted, I figured out - it's weird you would think they would have roasted them in salt, but they were almost like boiled peanuts, very very good, but not salted and roasted like you would think they would be. But anyway, I had the other half of those, I didn't need them for hunger, I was just craving. So that's what I had.

Oh and I encourage you, if you haven't already, to take a picture of yourself where you are at today and start taking monthly photos. Whether you are trying to lose weight, cure a disease, clear your skin, or just live healthier, it's impossible that you wouldn't see major results from month to month. 

May 11, 2004, Tuesday (Day 131) Cooked Cravings and Other Aspects of my Raw lifestyle 

Today, Boni and I took off work (well I took off the whole day and she took off half a day) so we could spend time with her sister before she goes back to Texas tomorrow. 

1 glass of Michelle's Mango Miracle (yum yum yum!!! click link for recipe)

Did I tell you all that Brenda, Boni's sister is moving here? She came out last week for a visit and a craft show (she sells products at craft and trade shows across the country). She loved it and decided rather abruptly that she wants to live near her sister and she likes it here, so she signed a lease on a house 2.7 miles from us (yes, we measured it), opened up her checking account and a PO Box. It's a done deal. She'll be here on June 15th. Wow, huh? Talk about an impulse decision! Hey, what can I say, the Ozarks are beautiful and people are naturally drawn to this peaceful place. 

glass of decaf iced tea

Brenda and I met Boni at Brioso Brazil for lunch. Had my usual 2 trips to the salad bar, and didn't feel as full as I normally do. Maybe I didn't overdo it like I normally do. Or maybe because all I had was a juice thing this morning, I had more room in my tummy than I normally would at noon. On a side note, wanna hear something weird I've noticed about myself at Brioso? Whenever I go to the salad bar, I put 3 cherry tomatoes on my plate, but only eat one. Every time, I do this without fail. Habit I guess. I don't like cherry tomatoes, I like grape tomatoes, but it's almost like the plate is empty without tomatoes.  

2 plates of salad: romaine, leafy greens, green/red/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, cherry tomato, roasted/salted cashews, raisins, cracked pepper, fat free Blueberry Poppyseed dressing
16 oz water

I love my Brioso Brazil salad bar. It's so my favorite. Brenda got a huge dessert, a chocolate fudge pie with two huge scoops of vanilla ice cream. But it didn't even cross my mind -- like it's so not an option anymore, that I'm starting to be able to just overlook it. I think, too, though, is that I get most of my sweet cravings fulfilled by my raw desserts. You can't screw up a raw dessert, so they are always yummy and satisfying. It's substituting meats and mashed potatoes and breads and stuff that is a bit more tough. All of Brenda's meat didn't do too much to me though, her garlic potatoes looked good, but no biggie. She got some mixed veggies and I noticed how uncolorful they were. This is a fine dining, high quality restaurant so that was a bit of a shock to me that they'd be so "dead."

We went shopping after lunch. I'm into serving platters now that I'm doing so many raw gourmet recipes, so we got some cheap platters at Big Lots and the Dollar Tree.  One of the cute platters I got today is pictured below. It's amazing how much of Raw food prep is about presentation. I mean some tomatoes sliced with a dollop of pesto on top, laid on a beautiful green leaf serving tray, turns into something so special and scrumptious. It's so easy to make food look good, if we just take a little time and spend a small amount of money. By the way, the pesto on tomatoes recipe is so damn good, you have to try this!!! Seriously. Thank you Denise, for introducing me to this fab recipe at our last potluck. What a great way to eat our tomatoes!

Preparation and Photos of Pesto on Tomatoes 
by Michelle Reeves

Ok, on with the rest of the day. So I'm having a really hard day. I haven't eaten bad, but I want to. I fricken saw two guys with a big Wendy's bag, and they were going into Sam's Furniture. And then a little later inside Sam's, I went by the breakroom on the way to the bathroom, and they were in there chowing down on a biggie fries and a burger and a crispy chicken sandwich and a Coke, and I could smell it and it smelled so good. I'm having a really hard time! I'm wanting to eat bad, and I'm irritated that bad food isn't good for me! And I'm sorry, but sometimes that junk food tastes damn good, and some days I have a hard time not doing it. Like I may be in the car, and I wanna just go through a drive through and get a burger and fries (extra crispy) and a biggie Coke and eat it and enjoy it. And not think twice about it. And I can't, and some days it makes me mad. And some days I do wish I weren't raw, or maybe some moments, rather, not whole days. But I am, I'm quick to point out. And this is the health that I've chosen, but it still pisses me off sometimes. I want the cravings to go away, I don't want to want those foods. I sat in a recliner at Sam's and just sorta cried to myself about it. I want to be healthy through and through. I don't want to have cravings. I want to want good foods all the time. 

Whew, sometimes you just gotta let it out and then it takes the power away. 

We went to Market Foods in Rogers, AR today, which is like a Central Market, for those of you in Texas. It's an upscale grocer/kitchen accessory/deli/coffee shop place. Very cute, very expensive, very tempting. I was hungry when we got in there, so I decided I'd better grab a piece of fruit in the small, but funky produce section. I picked a Jonathan Gold, paid for it (as the cashier said, "Is that all??" and offered a strange glance when I declined a bag because I'd be eating it right there), and ate it as I walked through the store. Thank gosh, because this place was overflowing with gourmet deli dishes, marinated roma tomatoes, rosemary potato pancakes, lasagna, decadent chocolate truffles, cookies, pastries and pies. Not to mention the roasted chickens, slabs of fine quality meats, and pasta salad dishes. I don't look at those things, but for some reason, being around a SAD person (Brenda), it entices me. Danger zone! I need to be aware of how my cooked cravings are heightened when in the presence of cooked people. 

1 Jonathan Gold apple (first time I've had this variety before)

I got a ton of emails today. I just want to say thank you to all of the people who write me, even though I personally respond. I just want you all to know how much your supportive emails help me on my journey. It makes this journey SO much easier and worth it to know others find benefit in this site and my journey. Thank you!

One email in particular that I got today, was from someone saying that I talk a lot about food and food preparation, but they'd like me to talk about my exercise and sleep patterns and other things related to Raw, but not specific to food. You gotta know me to know that everything's about food! (Just kidding, but not really). So anyway, I'll try to be better about talking more well-roundedly (is that a word) about my Raw lifestyle. 

Exercise: yea, that's probably a good idea. I don't mention it cause I don't do too much of it at the moment. I had been walking quite regularly, but lately the most I'm doing is stretching. I stretch every night before bed, and in the morning, I stretch briefly in the morning sun outside while the dogs potty. 

At night, I do a couple of physical things for my body. Before my shower, I use a Yerba Prima dry skin brush to brush my skin, all over my body. I start at the heel of my foot, do the top of my foot (that part feels so good, why the heck is that?), then my shins and calves, knees, thighs and quads, butt, hips, side, stomach (in circles, the rest of my body I do straight strokes), chest, breasts (avoiding the nipple area, sorry to be graphic, but trying to be honest for those who don't know about dry skin brushing), neck (gently not to scratch the sensitive skin there), tops of my hands, forearms, biceps, triceps and all those other arm parts, shoulders, back of my neck, middle of back, lower back, and done. You're supposed to start at your feet and work toward your heart, but how do you really end up at your heart if you're trying to go in one continuous direction, so that's my attempt at it. After this dry skin brushing, I feel alive, my skin is just tingling and my blood feels like it's running through my veins - it's basically encouraging circulation, which results in softer, smoother, more moisturized skin. 

I jump in the shower after this and use warm, but NOT hot water, lukewarm I guess - warm enough to be able to rinse the conditioner from my super thick hair, but cool enough to not harm my skin and hair roots. In the shower, I do one series of stretches, and they will be considered very odd by some, I'm sure. I used to be a dancer, in high school, I was on the dance drill team and we had to do serious stretches, basically our face had to lay flat on our knees and our hands had to be able to wrap around the bottoms of our feet. I haven't been able to do that in years, but I've always remained somewhat limber, and have always believed in stretching. So in the shower, I, one at a time mind you, take one foot and raise it up above my head and place it next to the shower head. I leave it there for probably a minute twisting my body slightly to accelerate the stretching feeling. Then I do the other leg. I don't think Boni has seen me do this, but I could be wrong. It's kind of a strange pose to take in a shower, but it's the best place for it for me, so clothes don't restrict my movement.  

Right before bed, I sit on the edge of the bed and put lotion on, all the while stretching my back, arms, neck, and shoulders. That is the best feeling of the day, right before I go to sleep - I'm always exhausted from very long and busy days, so to sit down and just unwind my body feels fantastic. I use this stuff called APR, which is an all natural Arthritis Pain Relief lotion that has flax seed oil, grape seed oil, eucalyptus and a ton of other important essential oils. This stuff has been the thing that has kept me feeling refreshed, alive, out of pain and just overall really good. Boni's sister is a distributor for it so we get it from her. Boni uses it on our neighbor for her 3-times-a-week massages and it's really helping her with lower back pain, migraine headaches and stress. Anyway, these stretching exercises I do are simple, not formal, but feel so good to me. 

But as far as other exercising, no I'm not making the time to exercise. I'm super busy, as most of us are, but I'm not going to say I don't have the time. I'm not making the time. I'm not devoting time. I take responsibility for my actions, or lack there of. I've put my priorities toward other things. And yes, I think exercise is a very important thing, it's not an area that I'm developing very much right now, but I do believe that will come in time, as I feel more comfortable and in touch my body and as the weight comes off.

Ok, next topic was my sleep patterns. I don't sleep much, if you can tell by the amount of time I spend on this site, online, on my and others' journals, creating recipes, etc. Most raw foodists state that they need much less sleep on raw. I'll be honest and say, I don't know if I need less sleep, at least at this point in my raw journey. I get less sleep, but that's because I'm a workaholic and can't go to sleep at night, as that's when my brain wakes up and starts getting super creative and expressive. Boni typically goes to bed after Roseanne, and that's when I get going on my computer stuff and cleaning up the kitchen from the daily recipe trials. I usually fall into bed between 12 and 2 am, way too late for me, but still the truth. I'm very tired in the mornings, but I get up at 7 am and am at work by 8:00. So I'd say I get between 5 and 7 hours of sleep at night. I think, for myself, I need 8-9 hours of sleep. I know on the rare occasion I listen to Boni and go to bed at 10:30, I wake up feeling wonderfully alive, rested, and ready to start the day. But to get myself to do that, is whole other thing! But typically what happens is I'll be sitting in the recliner at midnight working on the computer and all of a sudden my head hits the back panel and I realize I'm beyond functional and just in a state of euphoria. Sometimes I just try to do too much, and I neglect my sleep, as well as other areas of my life. I'm not choosing to change this, yet. Maybe one day soon. We'll see. 

If there are other questions you'd like me to address, feel free to email me. 

1 apricot (first one ever, it was ok, probably not in season just yet)

Pesto on tomatoes (I had probably 2 full Roma tomatoes)
glass of decaf iced tea

1/4 c. brazil nuts and cashews
2 Tbl marinated mushrooms
big bowl of Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt

May 12, 2004, Wednesday (Day 132) Balding, B12 and Birds

2 c. cherries (yum, so glad these are back!)
banana
1 apricot
orange

salad from Subway: romaine, spinach, green peppers, black olives, tomatoes, sliced almonds (probably toasted), raw green onion dressing
glass of decaf iced tea

banana

So, from my journal entry title, you're probably wondering what the heck I'm gonna tell you about Balding. It's my hair. No, I'm not truly balding, but since I was gonna talk about B12 and Birds, I figured I'd use another "B" word to describe my hair loss issue. I guess a few days ago, Boni noticed, and I noticed but didn't want to admit, that my hair is falling out, quite rapidly. My long red hairs are showing up on the pillow, in the sink, in the shower, on the kitchen table, on the countertops, on the recliner, everywhere. I'm not foolish enough to think this is detox, and I take hair loss very seriously. Especially when I happened to glance at the floor of the shower and notice 3 clumps of my hair, yikes! Boni had just finished reading French Fred's interview of Nazariah, and said I needed to immediately begin taking the B12 she bought for us a while back. I normally would have put up a huge fight, saying I wanted to purify myself and not be adding things back in, as I'm removing all of the other things like Western medications. This time I didn't fight it, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to be deficient in anything nutritionally. I want to be a healthy raw foodist, not one that gives Raw foodism a bad name (not pointing to any one person at all). And I want to be confident in my decision to be raw and to be living a healthy lifestyle. I haven't read French Fred's article yet. I'm needing to distance myself today from all the hype so that when I read it I won't be biased and can be objective when making my decisions or voicing my opinions on what is said. So I took Boni at her suggestion and began B12 tonight. She said I really need to be taking it in the mornings, as it gives you a huge boost of energy and I won't be able to sleep, but I was too shaken up about my hair loss, so I started them tonight. I'm not going to talk too much about the whole B12 supplement thing, because I'm still too new to be touting off facts that I don't actually know. 

On to the last B - Birds. I believe in Karma, strongly, and so I think the choice that Boni and I made in January to become Vegan (raw) foodists, has brought some bird (animal) activity to us to say thank you. Boni's "animal" is an Owl, and we've often had the Barred Owl swoop down for a hello as we drive down our street to our house. Well, today was all about the birds (actually all about innocent, trusting animals, but specifically birds). 

A baby bunny ran up to Boni at her work (she's asst site manager at a public gardens here in Bentonville that is set to open in 2005; she's also asst at a historic home and antique gardens, which is where the bunny was). She said the bunny had no idea it should be afraid of humans, and Boni was tempted to pick her up, but she didn't. I could not have handled not picking her up, I'm such a touchie-animal-lover. 


Rescued Baby Robin

Then for me, when I was at work, I kept hearing something hitting my front, glass door. I went out to find a baby bird standing in front of my door, staring inside, as if asking for help. I slowly approached the door and opened it slightly. She didn't move, accept to look toward the opening. I didn't know what to do, but figured she was hurt if she was still a baby, out of her nest, away from her momma and sitting in a business park on my front step. I went outside, following behind her as she walked around, every so often making an attempt at flight, and failing by slamming into a car. I hoped that her momma would come calling for her, but the only other Robin that was hanging around acted like she didn't miss her, and the baby acted like she didn't know that bird. I knew I couldn't leave her wandering around the parking lot, so I went inside and got a small box. I went back outside and found her clinging to the ledge of the glass wall of our office building. She let me pick her up and I took her inside and sat down to figure out what to do. I put her in the box, closed it enough to keep her safe and added a little lid of water and a bite of apple and granola. I figured she didn't eat that kind of food yet, but wanted to offer her whatever I had in case she was starving. I called our local wildlife rehab center and they arranged to come pick her up, saying how odd it was that she was in our parking lot. Before she left, I took pictures of her and a video to show Boni and our neighbors at home, who love birds as much as we do. To the right is a picture of the little baby Robin (found out later what type she was). 

When Boni and I got home from work tonight, I immediately went down stairs to the back yard to check on a family of Chickadees that are living in our Bluebird box. Momma Chickadee flies out of the house whenever I get near it and today wasn't any different. I lifted up the side of the box to check to see how many babies had been born so far, and was pleased to see the 1 two-day old, 1 three day-old and now 2 one-day old Chickadee babies. Oh my gosh, these little things are like little baby mice, half the size of my pinky finger. We're so blessed to live in a place where we get to see nature born and live in peace alongside us. I'm in awe of the teeny tiny life of a baby bird. See pictures of "my" little babies below. (I'm such a proud mom. Oh and I bet the Chickadee Momma is proud too <grin>) I have a video clip of them too, that I'm calling "Screaming for Our Supper." These babies are a shining example of how we learn to eat. Momma Chickadee comes to the entrance of the house and whistles to them, they all open their mouth like little synchronized swimmers, and she drops in a worm for them. How do I know this? Well besides reading about it, I tested it for myself. I whistled outside the house, and sure enough, all babies sat straight up and opened their gargantuan mouths, waiting for me to drop in their RAW treat. I know I shouldn't have disturbed them, but to have first hand experience seeing 3 day old (I saw them at 1 day old too) baby birds showing their feeding patterns is amazing. I'm leaving them alone now to grow. But as for the priceless video of all 4 popping up after they hear me whistle to them? It's going to America's Funniest Home videos.


3-day-old Chickadee babies (left and center), Bluebird House where Chickadees live (right)

Potato (microwaved, sea salt, pepper, green onions)
Frozen peas (boiled on stove, sea salt)
glass of decaf iced tea

1 c. cashews

big bowl of Mexican Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with pecans

May 13, 2004, Thursday (Day 133) French Fred and Nazariah - The Raw Outlaws

banana
orange

Snacked on and off all day on:

gRAWnola, nuts, raisins, dried strawberry chips, blackberry fruit leathers, sundried tomato fruit leathers
glass of decaf iced tea

Brioso Brazil for lunch: 
2 trips to the salad bar: out of leafy greens, romaine had brown spots, picked through to find good pieces, 
16 oz water

Not losing much weight right now, hovering right around 262 pounds, can't seem to drop below that, but I know it will all of a sudden start coming off again, as it normally does. Trying not to be frustrated by it, as I know I'm living as healthy as I can right now and my ideal weight is on its way!

Day 3 being off all medications. I weaned off of Celexa 3 days ago; haven't told Boni (hopefully she won't read this til I've been off the meds for a long time and she just thinks I've been naturally happy and calm). She thinks I'm not ready to go all the way off my meds, but I think I am. I feel great, emotionally and physically. I feel more focused than ever; yes I work too much on the computer, and don't get enough sleep, but overall I'm ready to be free of Western medicines. I'm free!!!!! I'm not taking any pills, first time in years. It feels amazing to go to bed and not worry about remembering to take a happy pill or a pain pill or a acid-reducer pill. Woohoo!!! Yall can watch my posts and see if I'm more anxious or not, but who cares! I'm living on happy foods now!

handful of cashews

baked potato (microwaved, sea salt, pepper)
peas (boiled, sea salt, pepper)

1/2 bag of Boni's leftover roasted peanuts from War Eagle (She got mad and said they were hers, she's right, sorry Bon)

4 oz Michelle's Mango Miracle (mango was overripe and it made the drink taste funky)

Ok, the topic for the day --- Fred and Nazariah's article. 

I love that Faith named French Fred The Raw Outlaw. It's so fitting that I gave Nazariah the same name. They are outlaws and are being outcasted in much of the Raw community. Since this is a place where I share how I feel about this Raw journey, my opinions on the controversy of their latest article will be shared here as well. I'll address a few key quotes that stood out for me, but since Raw Foodism or any Foodism for that matter is a personal decision, everyone has to decide for themselves what they believe and don't believe; regardless, you'll still get an idea of my take on it. 

So I took my laptop and went and laid down in the bedroom in the bed and decided this would be a good opportunity to spend some time by myself, where I could read the article in quiet and total focus, without the distractions of my email or the pups or Boni. 

I have to say, the second I started reading it, I knew I was going to be an outlaw myself. It felt right on in so many ways. I know people have very differing opinions on the article, and this is just mine. There are so many things that struck me in this article. I was in shock, because sometimes we live not wanting to know the other side of the story, and this article did give the other side of the story, but not against raw foodism, just for education about Raw foodism. I'm not going to stop being a Raw foodist based on this article, but I am going to try to be a more educated and open-minded Raw foodist. I believe that this article has done many things, but the most important thing that this has done is to cause people to talk honestly about Raw foodism, to talk about their health, both the good and the bad. And to stop holding on so tightly to their belief in something, anything, that they're unwilling to see any other side or point of view. I want to believe that Raw foodism, in its purist level, is ideal. but I also know that there is nothing in this world that is considered extreme, that doesn't come with some drawbacks or areas that need to be looked at a little more closely. 

Below is just a list of general comments I had while reading this very long, but very interesting article:

My Comments on Frederic Patenaude's interview with Nazariah, Veganism and the Raw Food Movement

QUOTE: "After 5 years on a raw food diet, I lost the ability to walk. All of my extremities — my hands, my fingers and my feet — were in such pain that I couldn’t move. I had central nervous system problems and I was B12 anemic. All of that happened after 5 years on a raw food diet. So I switched back to eating the raw fermented dairy products. At that point, being as nerve-damaged as I was, I also included eggs. I healed myself by reintroducing those products."
MY THOUGHTS: Hey, whatever works. If I got this ill from the Raw food diet, I'd be looking at what I was lacking too. If adding eggs and raw fermented dairy back into his diet made him healthy again, that's great. I hope that I won't experience the same illness, but would hope that I'd have an open enough mind to look at all of my options, should that happen. 

QUOTE: "When the people who lecture and write the books start themselves having problems on the diet, they hide that fact because they are earning their livings being a raw food lecturer/author. I hate to say that, but it’s that way."
MY THOUGHTS: This doesn't surprise me. I mean the Raw food experts out there are making a living at this lifestyle. Nothing's 100% rosy 100% of the time. Maybe they are afraid that people won't come to Raw foodism if they hear some of the truths that Raw foodists encounter. Although personally, I respect and believe those who are honest about all aspects of this lifestyle, much more than I do those who say everything is roses all the time and there are no issues to be aware of. 

QUOTE: "There is often a big misconception in the raw food movement, where people will believe that anytime something goes wrong, it is because of “detox.”
MY THOUGHTS: When my hair started falling out the other day, I was not foolish enough to believe what some have stated, that this is a normal process of the body ridding itself of hair that has "cooked" roots and new "raw" hair will return in its place. I saw my hair loss as a problem, and one that needed addressing not overlooking as a detox symptom. I began taking B12 supplements when Boni read that this was something we're lacking. 

QUOTE: "Most vegans are not getting enough B-12. It’s very important to take a B-12 supplement if you’re on a vegan diet, and a lot of vegans don’t."
MY THOUGHTS: Obviously I agree with this, given that my hair is falling out, and I've chosen to start taking B12 supplements. Watch my journal entries to see if B12 makes a difference in my hair loss.

QUOTE: "I was telling that story to a woman in Santa Monica who is part of a raw food support group there, and she responded by saying: “Oh yeah, we recently had a guy who died the same way, and he wasn’t very old either. The doctor said that his body just starved for lack of nutrients.”
MY THOUGHTS: Too many factors go into deaths, so I'd say this one might be for a bit of shock value. It's too hard to know why someone dies, and this story could be passed on by people who are Raw fanatics, therefore I don't give this statement too much power. 

QUOTE: "It’s extremely questionable whether very many of us can be healthy vegans."
MY THOUGHTS: I guess that depends how you define healthy. I feel and look healthier now, as a Raw vegan than I ever did on the Standard American Diet or on the standard Vegetarian Diet. 

QUOTE: "That is the healthiest diet. A vegetarian diet that’s not a junk food vegetarian diet — but one based good, whole, organic foods. The healthiest diet would have one meal a day that is a raw vegetable salad — a major vegetable salad, not a little iceberg lettuce, but with romaine lettuce, broccoli, etc. — a real heavy-duty salad. Another meal would be cooked and feature things like steamed veggies, or a stir-fry, so it would have a lot of cooked vegetation in it. A third meal simply would be fruit, like a fruit breakfast or a smoothie. In there, somewhere, you’ve got to get your protein. So either with your salad, or with your cooked meal, you want to have yogurt or kefir, or hard-boiled eggs on your salad, or something."
MY THOUGHTS: I think this diet example is superb, except for me, I'll avoid the eggs and yogurt. If I were ever to have any of that, I might include a Stoneyfield Farms organic yogurt, but that will probably be it for me. No eggs anymore. 

QUOTE: "They keep on discovering certain little things that we didn’t know, even three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago. You really can’t be sure that there’s something else that they haven’t discovered that’s lacking in the vegan diet."
MY THOUGHTS: This is the bottom line for this entire article. Things change, the science of nutrition changes every single day. I think I'll just stay open-minded so that I can keep learning about what Raw foodism and veganism does for my health.

QUOTE: "If we go to a raw food conference, you notice that a lot of men look quite skinny or emaciated. Some say it’s detox and that the weight will come back, but then many have been on this diet for quite a while and still are quite underweight."
MY THOUGHTS: I want that problem!!!! I'll happily get super thin and then figure out how to make sure I'm still healthy! (tongue in cheek)

QUOTE: "The leaders, the authority figures, are earning their living from being promoters of this particular diet."
MY THOUGHTS: I pay especially close attention to this statement whenever I'm reading someone's website online. I will not forget that without book sales, supplement products, workshops, tours, etc., they'd be just like me, learning the Raw lifestyle by experience just trying to see what works. I think it's great that people are able to make a living on the Raw lifestyle, but I won't forget that these Raw experts are also sales people, who want/need to make a living at this. And because of that, they might be just a tad more biased than the average Raw person. 

QUOTE: "I went for a walk and a few blocks away from the convention center and I walked by a pizza restaurant, and there was one of the speakers who had said those things, and he’s eating a pizza. You can order a pizza with no cheese on it, but even then it would be cooked food and he was claiming that he hadn’t eaten cooked food in 20 years. And it looked like it was a cheese pizza."
MY THOUGHTS: Anything's possible. If this is true, how pathetic those Raw experts are that they don't even have the common sense to at least go to their hotel room to eat the crap food. NOT that that's what they should be doing. Duh. 

QUOTE: "There’s not much honesty in the raw movement, as you’re saying...See, there’s a definite problem there. And it’s not, a “problem of the raw movement.” The problem is just human beings. Whether you’re talking about politics, whether you’re talking about sports, whatever field you’re talking about, you find that there are a lot of things that are done for the profit motive. That individual people are usually looking out for how they’re earning their income."
MY THOUGHTS: I believe this can be true. 

QUOTE: "What I say about that is that the dangerous thing for everyone who comes to the raw-food movement is to just believe that they are going to be the exception to the rule, when statistically, most likely they’re not going to be."
MY THOUGHTS: This makes sense for any lifestyle. I think it's important to be aware that we are humans, we can have problems and get sick. I don't believe that just because I eat a Raw food diet that any illness or ailment that might occur is just detox. I have to be aware enough about my body to try to research any problems that arise. 

QUOTE: "I want to say that you will never convince “true believers” of any “ism” that there are problems with their “ism.” And so I don’t even attempt to do that. For the interview, I simply honestly answered question that you’ve asked, but I’m not attached to changing anybody’s mind, and I’m not living in the illusion that I’m going to change a bunch of raw-vegan minds, because I’ve already experienced the fact that I’m not going to. Already, all that’s happened to me is by sharing honestly the information that I’ve shared with you is that I got kind of blackballed by the raw-vegan movement. They just tried to discredit me, instead of deal with these realities of nutritional deficiencies in a raw-vegan diet."
MY THOUGHTS: Agree agree agree. That's why I liked this interview as well as Fred's article. There's nothing to be gained by them sharing their experience with us. They are doing what they believe is right. And as a result they have been deemed outcasts by many. Again, I'll take what I need from these articles and leave the rest. 

QUOTE: "As for whether we should be vegans or not, I do not necessarily go in the same direction as Nazariah. I do not believe that everybody should start eating some animal products. I believe that every vegan should be taking a B-12 supplement, but also that the inclusion of some animal products in the diet can be useful to many people.  I wish to say that I’m personally not convinced that a vegan diet cannot be healthy. I think it depends on each individual. I personally have found benefits in including some animal products in my diet, and many others have found that too. There are many health benefits to becoming at least mainly vegetarian or even mainly vegan, as well as increasing the amount of raw fruits and vegetables that we eat."
MY THOUGHTS: I completely agree with what Fred says here, with the main point being, "I’m personally not convinced that a vegan diet cannot be healthy. I think it depends on each individual." Everyone will have a different experience, that's what makes the Raw food movement beautiful. We all can do Raw the way it works for us. 

On to the other article....

My Comments on Frederic Patenaude's article, "Fanaticism in the Raw Food Movement"

QUOTE: "There was a time when I wouldn’t have touched a piece of bread with a 10-feet pole, but was ready to gorge myself with raw recipes and avocados, just to make sure that I wouldn’t awake my “cooked food cells” and stayed raw."  
MY THOUGHTS: What I got from this statement is don't be so determined to be raw, that you sacrifice health. It's most important for me to be healthy, not be Raw. Raw works for me today, I will not say what the rest of my life will be like. I don't want to say, I will never eat cooked again, I will always be Raw, I will never sway from my current beliefs. If I were to say those things, I'd be setting myself up to never again learn - times change, I change, foods change, health changes, studies change, life changes. I am who I am today, but will not sacrifice my health and weight loss in order to say I'm a Raw Foodist. 

QUOTE: "The means is not the end. Being a raw-foodist for example, is not the point. We shouldn’t focus on that." 
MY THOUGHTS: Again, like I said above, this journey is about my journey to lose weight and gain me. If raw foodism is the way that works for me, great. But it's not about being a Raw foodist at whatever cost. I believe in a higher power, but that doesn't mean I have to be a Catholic, or a Baptist, or a Buddhist. I just believe. Politics, religion, food choices, it's all personal, but I don't have to be so rigid in my thinking that I miss the point. 

QUOTE: “Anything raw is better than anything cooked.” 
MY THOUGHTS: Anything in excess is bad, is my motto. I sometimes overeat nuts like they're going out of style. When I do that, I often think, having a bowl of steamed veggies might have been a better alternative than 2 cups of raw nuts.  

QUOTE: "Many raw food books are still filled with made-up facts, bogus science, anecdotal evidence and useless advice such as: “Just find out what 

works best for you.” 
MY THOUGHTS: At the moment, I do believe the best advice is to see what works for me. I know when I've overeaten raw food recipes like nut pates and too many raw crackers. I know I feel best when I eat salads, that's my body's way of saying, "Yes, give me more of that, that's good for me."

QUOTE: "Yes, you can be unhealthy while eating 100% raw foods." 
MY THOUGHTS: Although I'm not 100%, I believe this statement to be true. If I only ate raw gourmet recipes of flax seed, avocadoes, nuts, coconut, honey, olive oil, dates, and tahini, I'd probably not only gain weight, but not be getting the well-rounded nutrition that my body needs. It's a balance, and unless I find that balance, I will be unhealthy. 

QUOTE: "Some people fare better on 75% raw than 100% raw." 
MY THOUGHTS: If you read my journal entries, you know I believe in this. I feel good at 80-85%, I might feel super at 100%, but then guess what might happen? I might freak out at the act of doing anything 100% and might binge or go off all together. It's more important to me that I live as healthy as possible for the rest of my life, versus trying to be a number that some people think is ideal. 

QUOTE: "It doesn’t matter that Demi Moore went on a raw diet. (i.e. we don’t care)." 
MY THOUGHTS: This statement cracks me up, cause it's true. I've mentioned this before to people. Who cares if Demi Moore did Raw. Does that mean we all should. No. I think sometimes Raw foodists are so desperate to get people to believe in our way of eating that we'll use any celebrity to gain credibility. It's not important or necessary to do so. If we choose to do it, that's a good enough reason. 

QUOTE: "A plate of steamed broccoli is closer to being a natural food than a raw cheeseburger or raw cake sold at a raw restaurant."  
MY THOUGHTS: I agree with this statement. I still believe the prepared raw gourmet meals are raw, but probably not as ideal for us as whole foods. But, whatever works to keep me healthy, is good enough for me. 

QUOTE: "What are you doing this for anyway? You want to be a raw-foodist? You want to be a vegan? You want to save the world? I think not. You want to feel great, look great, have lots of energy, and be healthy. Eating raw is not an end in itself — it’s a means to an end. Why let the tree hide the forest?"
MY THOUGHTS: Yes yes yes. Agree agree agree. This is about achieving health, not getting a certificate that says I'm a raw foodist. 

The most interesting thing that I learned from these articles wasn't even found in the articles themselves. It's human nature and the incredible ability to run to one side or the other. It's been fascinating to watch people in the Raw community respond to the article(s) with such passion. With some people, it pushed them more into raw, with others, it has driven them completely away from Raw, and while still others have chosen a happy medium, to remain raw, but include some dairy and eggs. OR to remain raw, exactly as they are, and just be aware of the issues some raw foodists have had. These articles made some people very angry, feeling the need to lash out at Fred and Nazariah, for their beliefs. While others were ambivalent about it all, deciding for themselves what works for them. Whatever way they fall, it has been a very passionate and heated topic. I encourage everyone to read the article, actually both articles, and decide for yourself what your journey will look like. Use the motto of all 12 step programs, "Take what you need and leave the rest." Surely you'll glean some wisdom from this thought-provoking article. I know I did. 

(I'm still about 80-85% raw and choose not to eat dairy or eggs.)

May 14, 2004, Friday (Day 134) I'm not full of shit, anymore. 

banana 
glass of decaf iced tea 
1 c. granola/nut/raisin mix 
2 Nature's Valley granola bar packets, which equals 4 bars (commercial, non-raw)

Ok, maybe I ought to talk a little bit about the granola bars. So I didn't go to lunch today and I was really busy, and I knew that I wouldn't have time to go home for lunch, since I was leaving early for the colonic and had a ton to get done. So I just didn't go home. But I forgot the fact that that meant I wasn't going to eat. So then it was 1:00 and I remembered that the colon hydrotherapist said I shouldn't eat a big meal 2 hours before the colonic. I figured I can't go each lunch at this point, so I don't know. I was in the back room at my office, and I past the breakroom, where we have a big bowl of granola bars and crackers and popcorn and stuff on top of the microwave. And I just, I don't know what exactly happened, I just went, "You know what? It's not the worse thing I could do to have a commercial granola bar." So I took one of the individually wrapped packages - I took the Oats N Honey ones, thinking the oats and honey would be the best choice to make. I of course looked at the ingredients and no, it's not just oats and honey, it had sugar and soy processed stuff. But oh well, I'm not 100% and I decided I'm not 100% and it's ok if I eat some granola bars. So I ate one pack, which is actually 2 granola bars, if you know Nature's Valley, and it was really good. I enjoyed it. It was weird, though, how strong the taste was. I guess when you've been eating raw and naturally flavoring things, the flavor of something processed is pretty strong. And I could really taste all the products, not just a subtle taste of oatmeal and honey. But the second I ate it, I knew I wanted a second pack (ie cooked food addictive). So I went back there and we didn't have any other oat and honey ones, so I grabbed a maple syrup version. I'll tell you the maple syrup ones? Not as good. It was a funky maple syrup taste, not like the natural maple syrup that I've bought in the past at the natural foods store. But I did finish it, cause I knew I'd not eat again until later tonight after my colonic and after picking up Boni. It's not the end of the world <grin>. But what's strange is that about 10 minutes later, I got a huge stomach ache, this sharp pain in my stomach, almost like a cramp. It was tight and tense and didn't go away for about an hour. I have to admit I'm a little surprised that a couple of granola bars gave me such a tummy ache. It's not like I had a burger and fries and a coke. Guess it just goes to show me that "cooked is cooked." 

half a banana (the other half was bruised so I pitched it) 

Click here to hear all about my very first colonic. (I'm not posting it directly into my journal, because there will be a lot of pictures included.)

Went to ONF after my colonic cause I needed to buy some groceries for our Raw potluck tomorrow. I was fricken starving so I went to the deli, got a pound of salad, and a bowl of vegan potato leek soup. It was all sooooo delicious and just what I needed for my empty stomach!

1 pound of salad: romaine, pine nuts, carrots, celery, black olives, cucumber, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing
bowl of vegan potato leek soup (cooked)

1 c. cashews, and a few macadamia nuts (on the way home from Fayetteville)

Went by Vo's Oriental Market to get some black sesame seeds (for making Sushi for the potluck) and 8 young Thai coconuts. There was an asian guy there who kept showing me everything I "needed" to make good sushi. All of it, of course, was off limits for a vegan raw sushi roll (not that any of it appealed it me, seafood ick!). He was very sweet though taking me all over showing me neat things he thought I'd like. 

1 glass of Redmond Milkshake

Tonight I spent most of the evening preparing Sushi, wasabi and marinated veggies for the Raw Potluck tomorrow evening, because all day tomorrow I'll be volunteering at the Bentonville Home and Garden Tour and Plant Sale. 

May 15, 2004, Saturday (Day 135) Peel, Plants, and Potluck

We didn't really have any groceries in the house, so I grabbed an apple for my ride into Bentonville to go volunteer for the Peel House Homes and Gardens Tour and Plant Sale. Boni works for the Peel Foundation as assistant site manager to the Peel Gardens and Compton Gardens, and this is there big annual event, so of course, as her partner, I "get" to volunteer. 

small Fuji apple (gagged me, and I choked down most of it)

The apple made me gag, it was really tart and hard to get the skins down. Ugh, but it was all I had and I knew it would be hours before I'd get to eat anything else. I think I'm going through a picky food stage. 

At 10 am, I started working at the County Courthouse with the Executive Director of the Peel Mansion, selling tickets to the Home and Garden tour, as she took them through security. It was nice to just be able to sit and not be in front of a computer or stuck in the house. It was a nice day and being outside was really good for me. My table was situated in front of the Farmer's Market, which is one of my favorite things to do on a Saturday morning. It was nice to be able to watch people out with their kids and spouses and dogs, enjoying the outdoors and buying locally. It's a super cute Farmer's Market. There's one in every town up here in Northwest Arkansas. Bentonville and Fayetteville are my favorites. 

At 12:30 pm, I left to go pick up Boni and I a salad at McDonald's and head over to the Peel House to help with the plant sale. 

side salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette

Worked Boni's plant sale with her and some of the other volunteers for an hour or so. I went around a took pictures of the historic gardens. Beautiful. Love love love being around all the gorgeous spring flowers. Pictures of the Peel Gardens are to the right. 

My boss and her partner were coming into town to stay with us, so I went by the grocery store and then went to the house to meet them. I got the Raw Sushi, Marinated Veggies, Wasabi and Tamari Soy Sauce together for the potluck. 

Oh and I forgot to share that a few days ago I checked on the chickadee babies in the back yard and found that one was dead. Momma has her pushed out of the nest and her little limp and twisted 4-day old body is scrunched up against the wall of the bird house. I didn't know if I should move her or leave her, as Momma knows best, so I did nothing. (Later I called Wildlife Rehab and they said to leave her, Momma would carry her off if she wanted to. Makes me super sad though to see her lifeless body there each time I check on the other babies.)

banana and 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea (on the way to the potluck)

I realized in the car, that my tummy feels like it's been beat up. It's like I've done a zillion crunches, so actually the feeling is not a bad one, as it might sound. Just thought it was interesting the impact all the water running through my intestines and the abdominal massage had on my tummy. 

The potluck was held at the University Campus Ministry on the University of Arkansas campus. My friend Holly was hosting the potluck. It was a super layout. Downstairs in this funky old building is where it was held. It had a big kitchen with an open-air food counter, a bunch of long tables in the shape of a rectangle with a hole in the middle, and an outdoor courtyard, where Robin, a raw foodist, interviewed people for a raw food piece she's doing on the local cable station (I was interviewed, that was nice of her to include me). 

We had 42 people at the Raw Ozarks potluck. 

This potluck was primarily salads, cole slaws, and sauerkrauts. Every potluck has kind of a theme, and the theme of this potluck, unintentionally, was primarily salads, cole slaws and sauerkrauts. My favorite thing the whole night was the Carob-Coconut Haystacks, that Denise brought. YUM - like dark chocolate and crunchy thick pieces of coconut.

1 plate full of various raw recipes - cole slaw, salad, chopped veggies, soup, some strawberry dessert, another apple dessert, crumbs of some sweet flax seed crackers, and several carob type balls, like Carob-Coconut Truffles and the Haystacks mentioned above.
1/2 glass decaf iced tea

I didn't eat my own recipe - the sushi, cause the smell of nori makes me wanna puke. But everyone else must have liked it cause by the time we got up to the front of the line, there weren't any left. And the marinated veggies were gone too. I got one carrot out of it. (I brought all the leftover marinated veggies from the insides of the sushi rolls, which was good cause the food was going fast!)

Plant sale at Peel 
(Boni grew all 3,000 of these plants from SEED!)


Peel Gardens


Flower in the Peel Gardens


Raw Sushi that I brought to the Potluck

Boni's told me in the past that I never just sit down at these functions, that I'm always up and running around talking to people. So this time I tried to make an effort to sit down. Even with my first-time-trying-raw-food-guests there, it didn't last long for me to stay seated, but I did try.

We watched a great video of Chad Sarno, Raw Food Chef of Vital Creations, give food preparation demonstrations. He showed several tips like how to clean out a mango with a glass (wish he would have shown how to scrape the mango off that monster seed - sheesh, what a pain!), how to open a young Thai coconut (he does it like me 4 serious whacks to the top), how to easily gut an avocado and pop out the seed, instead of struggling so much with it, like most of us do. One tip I learned is when choosing young Thai coconuts, choose ones that have little to no discoloration at the very top tip, and on the underside of the coconut husk. Otherwise it will be pink and sour. I like him, he's cute, witty, down-to-earth, and obviously extremely talented. I bet Alex, Raw Guru, will become the next Chad Sarno, as they remind me of each other - looks-wise. I don't know Chad at all, and I only know Alex the little bit we communicate on email and the message forums. 

We stayed from 5:30 til about 8:30 and then we dropped Denise off at her house. When we got home we were hungry again so I made pesto on tomatoes, sunny spread (my version) and put out some raw crackers for them to try. I didn't have any, though, for some reason it didn't appeal to me. Then before bed we had a Redmond Milkshake. My boss loved it, and said she could do Raw if she had those every day!

glass of Redmond Milkshake

I opened the coconut for the milkshake the same way Chad Sarno demonstrated on the video, 4 heavy whacks to the top at 4 different sides with a heavy heavy duty knife, almost like a cleaver. When you slam it that hard it really makes the crack distinct in the shell and much easier to get open. I might have to actually buy me a cleaver, since the length of my heavy duty knife gets in the way a bit. 

I started some of the recipes for the lunch I was going to have for our guests tomorrow before they fly back to Austin. 

a few almonds, a few Brazil nuts

May 16, 2004, Sunday (Day 136) Gourmet for Guests 

Made Boni and Katrina a green drink, and made Dena and I a fresh squeezed apple juice. Yum!

glass of fresh squeezed apple juice

Made an early lunch because the had to make a 12:30 pm flight. We had lettuce wraps made of Crab Delight, Rawcamole, Rawlsa, and Marinated Mushrooms. For sides we had Sunny Spread (my version) with flax crackers, Pesto on Roma Tomatoes, and Live Fries. 

2 large and 2 small lettuce wraps
glass of decaf iced tea

1 cherry

The rest of the day I rested and played on the computer. It's good to rest and rejuvenate.

PS Look how short that post is!!! I got kind of tired writing those long posts, and I bet you got tired of reading them!


Crab Delight that we had for lunch. Yum!!!

May 17, 2004, Monday (Day 137) Cooked-eyed Monster

1/2 young Thai coconut - meat
4 oz young Thai coconut - milk

Ate coconut straight today for breakfast. Got a tummy ache. I think eating the coconut IN stuff is better than eating it straight. Too much or something. 

banana
glass of decaf iced tea

side salad with balsamic vinaigrette from McDonald's
baked potato (dry with chives, salt and pepper) from Wendy's

Really enjoyed my lunch, ate it in peace and quiet in my car in the Wendy's parking lot. 

orange
half a banana

granola bar (cooked - another stomach ache immediately after eating it)

Caved and had a Nature's Valley maple syrup granola bar for a snack again this afternoon. A part of me considered for a second not writing that I had eaten a granola bar. It's funny, when I went to get the granola bar in the kitchen (at work), I tried to pretend that I wasn't really getting it, and that it wasn't really happening, and that if I just ignored the fact that I was getting a granola bar, it wouldn't be a big deal. I still took it, even though I knew I'd have to write in the journal. But then a thought crossed my mind that maybe I just won't write it this time, and then guess what hit me? Fred's article. Fred's article about those raw foodists who are experts in the field, touting raw foodism, saying how great it is, saying how it's changed their lives, and then guess what? They go and eat cooked food and don't tell people. I'm not going to do that. I ate a granola bar. As I said yesterday, it's not the end of the world, but I did eat it. And I'm not proud of myself about it. But I am going to admit it. So there. I promise to myself and to everyone else, that I will always be honest about my food choices, no matter how healthy or not healthy they may be, no matter how difficult it may be to admit. It's humbling, and reminds me that I'm not perfect. And trying to attain perfection will only create failure (delayed success).  

other half of a banana
glass of decaf iced tea

I don't know if I'm about to start my period or what's going on but I am so craving cooked foods right now. I'm considering having a vegan burger tonight, making one from a pack of Fantastic mix that I have up in the cupboard.

Some days I have these panic attacks, where I find myself in a moment of freaking out thinking I'm never going to eat "bad" cooked again. For the rest of my life. Like never having another piece of pizza or chips and queso, or a Coke. And what it means to realize that. It's hard. I go through times of deprivation. I know I need to live this way, and most often I want to live this way, but then some days I want to be naive again and not know what I know about cooked food, about how it makes me fat and ugly. I want to be "normal" and eat crap and love it, at least in those first few bites. Sometimes the freedom to go through a drive thru and just eat that crap would be nice, even if for a moment. I haven't yet though, and so I'll continue to live one day at a time, trying to avoid that devil food. 

Maybe one day, I'll be like some of those long-time raw foodists and go, "Oh yea, I remember when I used to eat cooked and struggle so much." But for now, the reality is cooked is still a part of my life, and it's still a daily struggle. 

Reminds me of a line in one of my favorite Patti Griffin songs, that goes, "You know you've prayed enough, when you don't ask anymore." Translated for relevance ---- I'll know I've done this raw food lifestyle long enough, when I don't have to even think about it. 

Went crazy at home tonight after work, trying to eat anything and everything to avoid the cooked cravings. Just going to list the things I ate throughout the evening.

brazil nuts
bing cherries
guacamole with baby carrots
lettuce wrap (ick, not in the mood for this today)

Finally gave in and made two small veggie burger patties out of the Fantastic box mix. 

2 veggie burger patties (cooked) with some salsa on lettuce, tomato, red onion with some live fries
glass of decaf iced tea

Needed that to calm down my insanity over wanting to eat crap cooked, as I call it. I was gonna go order a pizza or something, so thank gosh that was the choice I made instead!

Weight - 259 lbs - total weight loss 51 pounds

May 18, 2004, Tuesday (Day 138) Lemonade and Light-headed

Tried Stevia for the very first time today. It's a natural sweetener, and when we had gone to Denise's house for lunch a while back, she gave us a whole ziploc bag of Stevia packets. I tried it for the first time in a glass of water with a whole squeezed lemon. It was fantastic, tasted just like lemonade. Jill had been talking about drinking lemon water for a while now, so I made this recipe, and named it Lemonade, to see if I could start drinking it and at least wean myself some what off of my decaf iced tea. But it's an interesting dichotomy - the lemons vs decaf tea. The lemons are good for detoxing and losing weight, but are tough on your teeth because of the citrusy acid. The decaf iced tea, in general I don't see what the big deal is, but I know water is better than tea and I don't use ANY sweetener in my tea, and yet I use Stevia in my lemonade, so who knows. I guess I'll just see what I want to do and do it and not make such a big deal of it.

16 oz Lemonade

2 c. bing cherries
1 c. brazil nuts

banana

Yesterday, I got my free month supply of B12 in the mail. Jill had told me about this offer, and hey, I'm not gonna pass up a trial of some B12, that we're gonna have to buy anyway. So, I showed Boni the B12 and she said it's 1000 mg, and that we only need 500 mg a day. It also said you should put it under your tongue to dissolve that way, but it was flavored cherry, which artificial (maybe it's not artificial) flavorings gross me out, so I ended up swallowing it after about 5 minutes. 

I'm having these strange little tremor things going on in my head. It's almost like a dizzy spell or something. Have you ever closed your eyes really tight, where you use your eye muscles to tense up, and you hear this kind of hmmmmmm sound? Maybe this is just me and I'm a freakin weirdo. Anyway, sometimes when I'm not doing the eye thing, I hear that hmmmmmm sound and it feels like the insides of my brain are slushing around against the walls of my skull. Kind of a dizzy spell, but I bet my description makes you think I'm a little off my rocker. But I promise, it's a real physical thing that happens. And it's only happened since going Raw. It doesn't happen all the time, and granted I'm not getting much sleep lately (too many projects going on and can't go to sleep at a decent hour til I get things caught up for myself). 

Brioso Brazil for lunch with my colleagues. They're very considerate to always go there, when they know how much I love that place and can have a great salad that way.

2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, leafy greens, green/red/yellow pepper, cucumber, celery, carrots, cherry tomatoes (that I again didn't eat, just put on my plate for pretty), lots o' green olives, black olives, lots o' roasted/salted cashews, raisins, cracked pepper, fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing (not sure why I allow myself to call it fat free, when it's homemade by the restaurant so how do they really know it's fat free? I'm pretty sure they put sugar in it, which causes fat!)

banana

1 c. brazil nuts

Tonight, I had another veggie patty for dinner. The mixture is still in my fridge, so I just keep eating it. 

veggie patty (cooked) with lettuce, tomato, red onion, guacamole

Got an email from a girl tonight that said B12 is made from cow manure and that I should be eating that blue algae, or whatever it's called, but I just can't do that seaweedy stuff, it stinks like fish!!!!! I'd rather do cow manure; maybe one day I'll change my mind, but for now, I'll just keep taking the B12.

I thought of something today that I wasn't ever sure how to put into words before now. But it's something I think about quite often. It's like a sort of food chart, where a homemade dressing is better than a commercial salad dressing, is better than a plain baked potato, is better than a veggie patty, is better than a breaded jalepeno pepper, is better than a hamburger, and so on. So when I feel like I'm eating bad, on the scale of good to bad, I'm not doing so bad.

May 19, 2004, Wednesday (Day 139) Cooked Continued...

banana
1 c. cherries
2 fuji apples

I was gonna do my what-has-become-sorta-normal-rush lunch and go through Wendy's for my baked potato and McDonald's for my side salad,  but then I saw Subway on my way back from taking a colleague to the airport, and remembered how good I thought their salad was the last time I ate there. And I wanted to try to not have a baked potato today. So I pulled in and decided to have lunch, sitting down, inside, without being rushed to get back to work. Had a yummy salad and it was delicious! I'm so glad I made that choice, cause I feel like I really have a cooked issue going right now and I don't need to keep adding to my taste for cooked. 

large salad: romaine, spinach, tomatoes, green peppers, black olives, sliced almonds, red wine vinaigrette
12 oz water

There were two instances while I was eating the salad, where I got two tastes that tasted like seafood. It's so weird, but sometimes when I'm eating a salad, I'll get this taste of fish water, and it's soooo nasty, and I have to move the salad around with my fork to try to get rid of that taste. Is that my body? Or is that what I'm eating? Strange. 

12 oz Lemon water (yummy!!!!)

I can't stop worrying about the lemon water affecting the enamel on my teeth. Trying to not think about it, but I should research that a little more. 

So I got home and I was kind of panicking. It's seriously like I panic, that there's no cooked food in the house. And I was wanting it! And I was totally going to binge. So I said, Ok, what's one of my favorite things that is most like cooked. (I wanted to eat my vegan patties.) My shakes are one of my favorite things, so I made a vanilla version of the Redmond Milkshake (just no carob), and after I drank that, I was fine. The emotional draw of cooked food wasn't gone, but the physical aspect of my cravings was gone, and without that, the emotional often will not win out. 

16 oz Redmond Milkshake (without the carob, Yum yum yum!)

The cravings went away for a while, but then came back. I ended up having vegan patty crumbles with frozen peas. 

2 c. frozen peas (microwaved)
1 vegan patty (cooked)

May 20, 2004, Thursday (Day 140) The battle of cooked versus raw

10 cherries
banana

I was reading Catherine's journal today and was so envious that her daily exercise gets to be swimming in the ocean. I'm so living in the wrong place!
(Not that I'm exercising even where I live, but still, that's some exciting activity!)

orange

small fuji apple

orange
banana

See how good my days start off? Til lunch time I'm fine, sometimes even til I get off work, I'm fine. It's the routine I guess that works for me. Once I hit home, everything gets really hard. I'm so frustrated with my up and down feelings about raw/cooked. On the way home from work yesterday, I was telling Boni how I sometimes I wanna be able to go off raw, and go have pizza and mexican and whatever I want. She just doesn't understand, she basically said, "I don't like fake people, I don't like how you say you wanna be raw, and then go through these feelings of wanting to eat crap cooked and not sure you wanna be raw." That upset me, cause I feel like I'm not being fake. I'm being honest, that sure I feel better and look better on Raw, but it's still hard as hell sometimes. Some days I want to eat bad shit. Cooked cravings are not gone and may never go away. They may lesson, but I doubt they'll ever really go away. I'll always have to work at this, and that bugs me. Why can't anything just come easy for me in the way of health. Why couldn't this have just been so easy and I never look back?

Blah blah blah. I'm getting sick of hearing myself talk about this struggle. I was doing SO much better a few weeks back. Why did it get harder recently? I guess I need to look at what's going on in my life that makes this journey more difficult at this time. I do want to say that sometimes I feel like a loser for these ups and downs of cooked/raw, but I know I'm not. I'm normal. It's normal to struggle with any life change. And I just want to remind myself to keep trying and keep going. It will get easier. 

lemon water

I heard recently that if you have oily skin or problematic skin (face), that you can actually use an oil as a moisturizer and it will help. It didn't make sense to me at first, but then I started to understand the logic of if you have clogged, oily pores, and you put oil (grapeseed, coconut, jojoba) on your face (at night is when I want to do it), oil attracts oil --- it will pull the oily yuck out of your pores. So last night I put a mixture I use on my legs and arms onto my face before I went to bed. It's jojoba and grapeseed oils, lavender, clary sage, lemon, and chamomile essential oils. I had a moment of panic when I felt the oil on my face, like I was claustrophobic and couldn't breathe, but I just laid down, closed my eyes, and tried to focus on the good things the oil was doing for me. When I woke up this morning, the three blemishes I had were hugely minimized, my skin was glowing and after I washed my face, it wasn't dry like it so often is in the mornings. I think I'll keep doing that. I heard coconut oil is the best, but I'm currently using coconut oil in a carob bark recipe that Boni's addicted too, so I don't want to run out. 

2 corn on the cob (microwaved 1.5 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
medium salad: romaine, celery, carrots, pine nuts, radishes, raisins, Live Fries (not liking those at all), raspberry walnut vinaigrette
8 brazil nuts
other half of Redmond Milkshake (from last night)

Yikes, talk about bad food combining - my lunch was not a smart food combining plan. I got at tummy ache from having the milkshake so soon after lunch. Not good. 

I forgot to mention that I went in on the bulk buying order this week with Raw Ozarks. I bought agave nectar, carob powder, cacao beans, mesquite powder, maca, cashews, nama shoyu, olive oil (truly raw - unfiltered), olives, and raisins. Yikes $175, but if I'd bought all of that at the natural foods store, it would have cost double that, AND they wouldn't have had most of the items, any way. Looking forward to trying all of this stuff! 

fuji apple

Created a new recipe tonight - Dreamsicle Shake. Oh man, yum yum yum!!! Totally tastes like the Dreamsicle ice cream bars we'd get as kids!!! Boni doesn't like it, but she's one of those who doesn't like fruit mixed with their dessert, unless it's cobbler. I liked it tons!

1/2 pitcher Dreamsicle Shake
2 corn on the cob (microwaved 1.5 minutes, sea salt, pepper)

May 21, 2004, Friday (Day 141) Thank Gosh it's Friday!

orange
banana
lemon water
8 cherries

Wendy's for lunch. 

baked potato (dry, chives, salt, pepper)

1/2 pitcher Dreamsicle Shake

fuji apple

Vegan crumbles with microwaved frozen corn and peas

handful raisins
2 tiny baked potatoes with chives, sea salt, pepper

SO glad it's Friday! Went to Vo's Oriental Market today after work and got a box of young Thai coconuts. I also bought some exotic fruit that I've never had. They didn't even know what it's called in America, so who knows what I got. But another customer was buying one so I asked her about it and she said they are great. Boni's colleague says it's a persimmon, maybe it is. Haven't had one of those before. Will take a picture and post it for you guys to see (tomorrow). 

This evening when we got home from work, we were witness to the baby Carolina Wrens being born. Wow! Now that's something I've never ever seen before. I feel so blessed to live somewhere where we get to see this sort of thing. I also checked on the Chickadees...oh my gosh. Those babies are precious - little black feathered sweethearts, who gently and half-interested-ly looked at my looking at them. 

Went for a walk with my neighbor tonight. We walked to the top of our dam, which is a steep incline, then walked the length of the dam, getting completely side tracked by a baby bunny who hopped all over the place, switching between totally curious of us and completely scared to death. Felt so good to walk again, even if we did stop too many times! We also saw an otter swimming below the dam in a creek - first time I've ever seen that NOT in a zoo or other man-made habitat. Cool!

2 oranges

I ate a lot of cooked today, but I don't feel so badly about it, since it was all fairly healthy. Want to incorporate steamed veggies into my diet rather than vegan patties. Good thing the last of those are gone. 

---

May 22, 2004, Saturday (Day 142) The Best Day

No, not the best RAW day, just the best day. It's been so long since we (Boni and I) took a whole day to have fun! We got up early early, earlier than we do during the week. We just woke up, no alarm or anything. We went to a few garage sales, then went to the adorable Farmer's Market in Fayetteville. We got a few veggie items (radishes, broccoli, and green onions), some local honey, and enjoyed some local mountain music (see picture to the right). 

We then went to Ozark Natural Foods to pick up a few items, and then went to Olive Garden for lunch. We both had the vegan minestrone soup and salad. The waitress, though we had already had a discussion about diets and healthy eating, and had even gone through the laundry list of "don't bring this to the table" items, still was insistent that we needed to have those Andes chocolate candies after our meal. I almost had to get loud telling her thank you, but no, we don't want them. "Ah, what will one chocolate hurt," was what she said. No wonder America is fat!!! There is always someone there trying to convince us to eat bad. She finally got it and left with the chocolates. 

When I got home today, I checked on my baby Chickadees; they're black now, eyes open and are little fat sweet peas! (See picture of these babies to the right.) Then just minutes later, Boni hollered at me to get my camera and come quick, the Carolina Wrens are being born! (See picture of them actually coming out of their eggshells to the right) What a great day it's been so far - witness to the miracle of life!!!

The day only got better. Boni had planned a surprise for me, for an early birthday present (do you know how hard it is to have your birthday on Memorial Weekend - you can't get in to do anything without 10 million other people) --- our neighbors and Boni rented us a pontoon boat to go on Loch Lomond, the lake near our house. It was so wonderful, and peaceful, and perfect.  Boni brought fruit for us and a loaf of bread for whatever lake animals we happened upon. We rode around for 2 hours checking out the zillion dollar estates on the lake, feeding the geese and babies, and enjoying the sun and absolutely gorgeous temperature outside. I love being on the water, it's where I feel like I belong. 

Today was a really great day. I needed to reconnect with the fun side of myself and with Boni and be away from the computer and the insides of the house. We're going to try to get away and do more fun things, more often. 

Oh yea, forgot to mention that I got this appropriately themed quote in my inbox last night (from RawInspiration), so I thought I'd share. It's made me really have to think about this - I tend to "fall off the wagon" somewhat and then go, screw it, I'm off already, so I might as well crawl around here on the ground before getting back on. This is a good thing to remember in those times.
 
"You're doing good ~ then you're doing not so good...DON'T WALLOW! Reclaim your goodness as fast as you can - before it gets very far away!" 

I'm going to start listing all of my daily food intake together and highlighting any cooked portions.

Food Intake: 
- Lemon Water with Stevia
- 2 bananas
- 1 fuji apple
- 2 bowls of Vegan Minestrone soup (broth, tomatoes, green beans, zucchini only)
- 2 bowls of salad (lettuce, black olives, tomatoes) with fat free honey mustard dressing
- 8 oz water with lemon
- half of a cantaloupe
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 2 corn on the cob (microwaved for 1.5 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- 2 more corn on the cob (microwaved for 1.5 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1/2 pitcher Redmond Milkshake
- 1 more corn on the cob  (microwaved for 1.5 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- handful of mixed nuts 
- other half of the cantaloupe
 
I've also decided I'm going to do like Annette, and list what exercise, if any, I get each day. 

Exercise: 
Walking around Farmer's Market

And I'm going to try to list in my journal each day the things that I've updated on the site, to make it easier for daily visitors to know what's changed. (I'm not going to list each journal I update, as that's obviously updated each day - but if a new raw-in-progress picture goes up, I'll list it here.)

Musicians at the Fayetteville Farmer's Market


Chickadees 2 weeks old


Carolina Wrens (being born as I take this photo)


Boat Ride on Loch Lomond


Blue Heron on Loch Lomond

---

May 23, 2004, Sunday (Day 143) Dehydrating with Denise

Denise came over today around 11 am to dehydrate a whole bunch of stuff for the trip her and her family are taking next week. I hadn't had anything to eat yet, so we made a huge lunch when she got here. We had Crab Delight, salad, marinated mushrooms, Fettucini Alfredo, and pesto and tomatoes. She had made Kabin a dessert for his birthday and brought some of the leftovers for us to try. It was a yummy Strawberry Macadamia Nut pudding pie thing. Then, I got to try Manna Bread for the first time. It was by Nature's Path and she kindly brought us a whole loaf to try. It was the Fruit and Nut kind and I was shocked how yummy it was. At first, I felt a little guilty, I mean it's bread! Kinda reminds me of a wheaty Fruit Cake, but good. It's weird, that would never have been the kind of bread I would have chosen when I was cooked, but as a Raw, that wheaty, nutty, fruity stuff is damn good. Plus, I haven't eaten bread once since I started Raw. But it did say sprouted grains baked at low temperatures (I have an email into Nature's Path to see what low temperatures means exactly). I can see that I'll need to watch overeating that! I want to learn to make it myself, so I can know it's raw. 

After lunch, we dehydrated a bunch of snacks - fruit leathers, coconut macaroons, seasoned nuts, banana chips, apple chips, and corn chips. We mouse nibbled all afternoon on the stuff we were putting into the dehydrator. For dessert we had a Dreamsicle Shake. 

Food Intake: 
- salad, Crab Delight, carrots, celery, tomatoes, green pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, Fettucini Alfredo, marinated mushrooms, Paul Newman's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing
- 2 glasses of decaf iced tea
- couple of Tbls. Strawberry Macadamia Nut dessert
- 1 slice Manna bread 
- 1/2 pitcher Dreamsicle Shake
- another slice Manna bread
- half of a cantaloupe
- another salad, Crab Delight, carrots, celery, tomatoes, green pepper, raisins, Paul Newman's Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing

Hey, whaddya know, a whole Raw day. And I didn't eat anything after 8:00. Wanted to see if I could do it, and I did. My cooked cravings weren't there today, so it didn't even seem to be an issue as it has been the last week.

Exercise: 
- Walked with my neighbor - to the top of the dam, walked the length of the dam and back twice (YEA! Feel great exercising again)
- Stretched and breathed out on the deck in the beautiful night air

---

May 24, 2004, Monday (Day 144) Progress not perfection

Started my period. Hallelujah! Explains why I've been eating/craving like a boar (ie a pissed off pig). Work was work. Some days I just wish I didn't have to work, that I could just hang out at home, walk the lake, stretch on my deck, play with my pups, search the internet, create new recipes, journal and BE. Is that too much to ask?

After work we went by Wal-Mart to return a few things (don't buy their $5 DVDs, there's a reason they are $5) and pick up a few things (I'm absolutely addicted to corn on the cob right now - I shucked 10 cobs in the produce department, before Boni dragged me out of there.) My grandpa sent me some money for my birthday, so I decided it might be wise to get a pair of transition jeans (ie jeans that are cheap because I'm gonna be losing more weight and they won't fit in another couple of months). I went to the racks and found several cute jeans and capri pants to try on. I figured, "Ok, I've lost 50 pounds, that has to be two pants sizes, right?" So I took my size 22 selections into the fitting room, and about 30 seconds later, I emerged, pants on hangers, handed them to the clerk, and stormed out, mad at myself for 1.) trying too small of a size, and 2.) still being fat! How the hell can I have lost 50 pounds, 5 0 people, and not have gone down 2 pants sizes? Argh. So much for the theory, "Don't worry what the scale says, just look at how clothes fit you." Damn, that was disappointing. 

Couple of updates: 
- I've been putting an oil mixture on my face at night and my blemishes are all gone, skin is smooth, it's not oily (as I originally assumed it would be) and overall, my skin looks and feels really good. 
- I'm still taking B12 each morning, and my hair loss isn't as bad. It's still shedding, but that's what it seems like it is, shedding. It's hot out now and my hair is twice as long as it was last year. I'm thinking I overreacted to my initial hair loss scare. But I'm gonna keep on the B12 for a while, as it seems to be helping me focus.
- Tonight I started taking St. John's Wort. You may remember that recently I went off of my Celexa, for anxiety/depression. I wanted to completely clear out my system before starting anything natural, if I even needed it. Honestly, I wouldn't have started taking the St. John's Wort, but my partner really feels better having me take something - I'm prone to stress, anxiety, and irritability. So to satisfy her, I'm gonna take it. It couldn't hurt, and at least it's natural. (I have mixed feelings about this, since overall, I don't believe in so much supplementation. Boni says I'm a snob that way. Maybe, and maybe one day I won't feel that way, but for now, I'm concerned that people are shelling out tons of money on supplements that I wonder if they really need if they're eating a healthy Raw diet. I don't like the idea of this "diet" or lifestyle being exploited by people wanting to sell us something.)
- I'm still dry skin brushing most nights. Some nights I'm too tired and just jump in the shower without brushing. But I do love it, the brushing stimulates the blood in my body and I notice I am softer after consistent brushing. 

Oh, I emailed Oprah and Dr. Phil today telling them about my Raw journey. I love how those two believe in self-motivation and taking charge of your weight loss and overall health. Wanted to share with them what I and the other 15 journalers are doing to lose weight, prevent disease, self-heal, and/or be proactive in our healthcare. So, who knows, maybe one of us will end up on the Dr. Phil or Oprah show telling the world how Raw has impacted our lives. If that's not incentive for me to watch what I eat, I don't know what is!

Food Intake: 
- orange
- 6 oz water
- 20 cherries
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Pink Lady apple (crispy, but I think too tart for me, I like Fuji the best)
- banana
- another Pink Lady apple 
- big salad: leafy greens, carrots, celery, green peppers, raisins, Crab Delight, cracked pepper, 
- 2 slices of Manna bread (they're small, 2 slices sounds like a lot, but it's really not)
- 1/2 pitcher Redmond Milkshake (vanilla, not carob)
- corn on the cob (microwaved 1:45 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- bite of carob bark
- handful of Brazil Nuts
- 3 Tbl steamed veggies (mushrooms, green beans, green pepper, carrots, celery, broccoli, yellow squash), sea salt, pepper
- 2 c. steamed veggies
- 12 oz water
- other half of pitcher Redmond Milkshake (added 2 more dates and 1/4 c. Brazil nuts to make it chunkier)

Exercise: 
- Walked Lake Windsor Dam (1 mile) with my neighbor (lower back hurting afterward, but I'm back in the swing of exercise!)

---

May 25, 2004, Tuesday (Day 145) Peas, persimmon and passing gas

Well, you knew sooner or later I'd have to talk about gas, right? I've only heard a few people really talk about it, maybe that's cause on Raw, gas isn't such an issue. People say to me all the time, don't you have a problem with gas, eating all those vegetables? My standard answer is no, it's better then when I was cooked. And that's still true. Today and yesterday, however, I chose to have some serious steamed veggies and had some pretty poor food combining sessions, which has caused some really really bad gas. And I'm not talking uncomfortable bloating, I'm talking stinky - like the dogs look up as if to ask, "Why?" 

Although I'm eating pretty healthy foods, veggies fruits nuts and so on, food combining is not playing into my food choices. For instance, today for lunch I had 2 corn on the cob, followed by the rest of the Manna bread, which was about 2 slices, followed by a plate of steamed veggies (reheated in the microwave), followed by a handful of nuts, followed by a handful of raisins. And guess what? My stomach hurt afterwards. Any of those things by themselves would have been fine, but the fact that I ate them back-to-back, resulted in a stomach ache. I know it in the moment, "Oh, I probably should stop and not keep eating these things so close together," I think. But I want it, and then I eat it. So I at least want to be aware. I may not change my food combining habits right away, but I want to be able to be aware of it, and document how it makes me feel. I'm not talking about this type of fruit shouldn't be mixed with that type of fruit. I'm talking about manna bread mixed with corn mixed with raisins mixed with a milkshake. Not good food combining, not healthy. Fruits, nuts and veggies in one setting is not smart.

Next topic --- Boni's got about 40 pots out in the back yard, growing a variety of tomatoes, peppers, peas and such. She told me last night that the peas were ready to pick, so today after work I went and picked a large handful, thinking I'd add them to my salad. I've never picked or opened peas before, it's so fun!!!! And the peas aren't that perfectly round shape like the peas you get in the frozen section of the grocery store. They are sorta square. (See the picture of the peas to the right.) So like I said, I was thinking I'd put them on my salad, so I popped one in my mouth and bit down. Ugh!! Yuck! I ran outside and asked Boni why they tasted like that. She said, NO! You're supposed to steam them, they aren't meant to be eaten raw. I spit it out on the deck, it was disgusting! I put them in the fridge to steam in a few days. 

So, I had let the Persimmon (looked it up and that is what this fruit - pictured to the right - is) sit out for 2 days and refridgerate for 2 days, as a site online suggested.  I cut it open this afternoon and Boni and I tried it. It was hard, and not really a strong taste. Sort of reminded us of a cantaloupe. Not bad, at all. Nothing amazing, really. Pretty good, I guess. I didn't think I wanted to eat the whole thing straight like that, so I concocted a new recipe using it, and it was awesome! I named it Persimmon Potion. Doesn't that picture to the right make it look like an unripe tomato?

Found out today that the Manna Bread I've been eating the last few days is not Raw. I liked it so much, I wanted to know if it was really raw. So I sent an email to the maker of it, Nature's Path, and here's their response. 

"Thank you for contacting us about our manna bread. The bread is made from sprouted whole grains and baked at a temperature higher than 120F. The product is baked at a temperature lower than conventional bread but it is not a raw food."

Bummer!!! I knew it was too good to be true. Maybe I'll figure out how to make it myself, cause it was yummy! I finished it off today and "let go" of the fact that it might be my last. 


Peas picked from our container veggie garden


Oriental Persimmon


Oriental Persimmon (peeled and chopped)

So, I got a wild hair up my butt today and decided to condition my hair with honey. I don't know where I read it, but I heard you can use avocadoes and/or honey on your hair as a natural moisturizer. I took the dogs in the bath and "honey'd" their hair the same time I was honeying mine. Little Miss Suki spent the whole time trying to eat her hair! Cracked me up! She didn't understand why she was being drawn to lick herself in the tub, when normally she detests the shampoo taste. Ok, I must not have all the information, cause my hair isn't soft from it and Simon's white fur turned kinda brown from the honey color. It's like the honey on wet hair makes the sticky go away and there's just a slight film. It's really weird, it kind of seemed to disappear or something. I don't know. Maybe I'll try an avocado next time, though once Boni found out what I used our expensive honey for, she 'bout threw a fit! (When I was younger, I used to use Beer and Mayonnaise on my hair. Don't ask, I don't know why I did it. Some weird remedy for either dry hair or oily hair, or who knows.)

So I'm gonna give myself a big pat on the back now. I realized today what a major accomplishment it is that I have not once, since going raw in January, had a piece of pizza or chips/queso/tortillas. No matter how many tough days I've had, how many times I've wanted to go binge, how many baked potatoes, corn on the cob, commercial lite dressings I've had, I have not eaten pizza. I have not gone to have Mexican food. That is the most major change of my life, and I'm proud of me!!! Some times I need to remember to focus on the changes I have made, instead of the ones I still need to make. 

This leads into another thing I wanted to mention. Today I asked Boni what she thought of us going to have a SAD dinner for my birthday next week. Like a Thai restaurant or something like that --- white rice, veggies, soup, etc. She immediately said no, that she can't eat like that anymore. I realized that my old behaviors of wanting to "treat" myself for my birthday or any major special occasion have not gone away. I still think I "deserve" bad foods as a reward for being "good." We're not going to do that, we decided (I thank her for not wanting/being able to do that herself, helps me not make that choice either.) We're going to Brioso for our favorite salad bar instead. 

I wanted to walk really badly today, really getting into walking again. So I called my neighbor on my way home from work and left her a message saying I wanted to go as soon as I got home, so we'd be back in time for American Idol. By the time I got home, she had left a message saying she can't go til Thursday. I was disappointed, as I "need" someone to walk with me, in order to keep me motivated to do it. I thought, "Well I'll go before AI," then I said, "Ok, I'll go after AI," then I was about to say, "Forget it, I'll go tomorrow." But I changed my mind. I got the dogs and we went for our walk, and it was super. I felt really great, walked fast up and down hills, my heart started pumping and I was sweating and huffing and puffing. Felt like a real workout again!

Lastly, due to Carson not journaling anymore (we'll miss you Carson!), there is a space open for one journaler (oh I can see the inbox flooding now!). Here's the "guidelines" to having a journal on From SAD to RAW: willing and able to post every 1-3 days (out of town and unforeseen situations obviously understandable), willing to have your raw-in-progress pictures on the site, willing to share your email address on your page so people can communicate with you, and a desire to share your journal, obviously. The first person who emails meeting all of this criteria will be offered the space. Sorry I can't accept more, have to maintain some what of a life outside of this site. 

Food Intake: 
- banana
- 20 cherries
- orange
- large glass of lemon water
- large Fuji apple (much better than the Pink Lady ones)
-  2 corn on the cob (microwaved 2 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- the rest of the Manna bread, about 2 slices
- medium plate of steamed veggies (reheated in the microwave with a little Tamari Soy Sauce, sea salt, pepper)
- handful of nuts
- handful of raisins
- 2 more corn on the cob (microwaved 2 minutes, sea salt, pepper) - planned on having a salad, but chose cooked instead
- glass of water
- bite of Persimmon
- 1/2 pitcher Persimmon Potion
- 1 corn on the cob (microwaved 1:45 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- 1/4 cantaloupe (yum!!!)
- glass of decaf iced tea
- handful of nuts and raisins

Exercise: 
1 mile walk with the pups at a fast pace up and down the hills by my house, really got my heart rate up

Update: I received an email minutes after I posted my journal --- thought it was good enough information that I should share with everyone. Thanks Rajashree! "Persimmon needs to be really really soft to touch..then it is really ripe. Only then it is wonderfully sweet unlike anything you have eaten. Then all the flavor comes out. If it is not absolutely soft, there is kind of astringent taste and you feel some kind of coating on your tongue. Try to keep it out on the counter until it is very very soft.. you won't even need to refrigerate it."

---

May 26, 2004, Wednesday (Day 146) New Journaler and Natural Skin Care

Welcome to Carla, our newest journaler. Her first post and pictures will be up by tomorrow. (Some people have asked why I don't keep up the journaler's journals who no longer wish to journal --- whenever I would go to other people's sites who had journalers on them, if the journal entries were forever old, I wasn't interested. I want to see what someone is doing this very moment with Raw. Therefore, if a journaler chooses to stop journaling, I take down their journal and offer the space to someone else. It keeps things "fresh" and motivational for others out there wishing to start their own raw journey.)

Communicated with several other raw foodists today via email. I love getting emails from people! I'm still having some email issues, of people saying they've emailed me, but I haven't gotten their emails, so please resend if you haven't heard from me. I promise, I respond to all emails. 

A few people emailed about the peas that I talked about yesterday. I, personally, don't like raw peas, but if you like them, that's great! Boni had thought she read online that peas and beans really shouldn't be eaten raw. But to each his/her own. The type of peas are Wonder Peas, by the way. I haven't steamed them yet, just watching them in the bowl in the fridge. <grin>

I also got an email asking for the oil mixture I use on my face at night. I make it myself - I love to make my own bath and body products like sugar scrubs, salt scrubs, skin tonics, lotions, oils, and home air fresheners, that way I know what's in them. Here's the recipe: 

Calming Lavendar Oil
2 oz grapeseed oil
2 oz jojoba oil
6 drops lavendar essential oil
1 drop clary sage oil
1 drop chamomile oil
4 drops lemon oil
Sometimes I'll use 1 drop neroli oil instead of chamomile for something different. Also, this recipe makes it lightly lavendar. To make it super lavendar, double the essential oils (I'll usually do this, cause I like it SUPER scented.)

I don't think I've mentioned that I'm reading this book called, Passing For Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding My Self, by Frances Kuffel. From what I've read so far, she's not raw, but used Overeaters Anonymous, a 12 step program for food addictions, to lose more than 180 pounds. It's really been good to read someone else who has struggled her whole life with food and obesity. I was reading it when I went home for lunch today, and as I ate and read, I felt very aware of my own issues with eating and self-image and the fact that I often eat just to eat, not for hunger or nutrition (as I've mentioned before). 

I had my corn on the cob, microwaved, and then wanted another one. I thought to myself how perfectly fine this corn would be if I just didn't microwave it. I decided to try again by soaking the corn in some hot water in the sink.  I took a bite every so often, and it's just...it's not the same as cooked. And I'm not talking about making it soggy, I microwave it for half the time it needs to cook it, so it's super crispy and barely cooked, almost steamed-tasting. I decided to have the last of my steamed veggies and then took the soaked cob and cut the corn off it, mixed it with the veggies, added some Tamari Soy Sauce and sea salt/pepper and then it was good. I could eat it like that. It's not the same as the hot, cooked corn on the cob, but maybe I could learn to eat it. It's just still important to me that I like what I'm eating, even if it's healthy. As soon as I was done eating, I of course proceeded to do some poor food combining. I had a handful of brazil nuts and took the other half of the Persimmon Potion from the freezer, added a bit more honey and some water and blended it til it was a smoothie again. I went to sit down with my book - I drank about half of the glass, but as I was reading the book, I started to face that sometimes I eat out of habit. A lot of times I eat out of habit. I've gotten myself so used to having a shake after a major meal, that it's not even a desire anymore, actually it's still a desire, cause I do it, but it's not a treat anymore, it's just like the norm now. It was actually really good to read that book while I was eating, cause it made me really aware of these issues. So I ended up putting half of the glass back into the freezer, which was good, cause I was already full when I started drinking it. So the fact that I stopped myself after drinking only half of it, is progress. 

Food Intake:
- 6 oz Lemon Water
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- 2 oranges
- 2 corn on the cob (1 microwaved, 1 soaked in hot water then decobbed and mixed with veggies)
- bowl of steamed veggies (reheated in the microwave, with a little Tamari, sea salt and pepper)
- handful brazil nuts
- 1/4 pitcher Persimmon Potion
- handful brazil nuts, pecans and raisins
- 2 corn on the cob
- 2 bites Carob Bark
- Glass of decaf iced tea
- couple of bites of a freshly cut pineapple (mine was like Sharon's and a bit fermented, I waited too long to eat it)

Exercise:
- None (it was a two hour American Idol tonight so I chose to watch it instead of exercising! yea Fantasia! I'm going walking with my neighbor tomorrow)
Oh and the insides of my thighs, in my groin area are SO sore, yippee, I've missed that feeling - walking the hills of the Ozarks will do that!)

PS There's a live chat tonight with French Fred on the www.RawFoodChat.com site. I'll see you there!

---

May 27, 2004, Thursday (Day 147) Chat with French Fred

Work is hell busy, so I didn't have much time for thinkin' today. I did read a conversation online today with French Fred on one of the message forums I'm on. I like to always find one or two things that I agree with and hold that to be true. Here's what French Fred said today that I agreed with.

"I do not say that my diet is perfect. But the point is that I actually don't care about being perfect anymore. The point that I keep coming to is that the important [thing] is to be healthy — not be dogmatic."

Here's a link to that conversation (scroll down through the posts to see Fred's comments). 

Also, I was in the chat with French Fred on Alex, Raw Guru's site. Below were my questions and his brief responses. Oh and for those who missed it, here's a link to the full transcript.

FromSADtoRAW: Fred, I know you have a lot of people disagreeing with your views, is it difficult to stay strong in your beliefs, even when people have such strong opposition to you? (I happen to agree with NOT being focused on being Raw, but being focused on being healthy, regardless what percentage that may be.)
Frederic: I don't think that many people are disagreeing, I get mostly positive comments 
Michelle's thoughts: Um, have you READ any of the discussions about your views??? People may say one thing to his face, but quite another to one another. You all know I happen to agree with a lot of what he says, but come on, let's be realistic about how varied the opinions are about him.

FromSADtoRAW: Besides being a raw foodist, what is your background - schooling, certifications, etc. in raw foodism and nutrition?
Frederic: I'm self-taught
Michelle's thoughts: Interesting answer. Most of the people who don't agree with his views use this very statement as a reason not to agree with him. Not sure what I think. I mean, I'm kinda becoming a "self-taught" raw foodist too, but I still learn from others, obviously.

FromSADtoRAW: For your non-raw percentages, do you eat soy, tofu, TVP - like processed, packaged, boxed vegan foods? (When I crave, it's for a Nature's Burger or something like that.)
Frederic: not really
Michelle's thoughts: Um, ok. Not really an answer, but ok.

FromSADtoRAW: So, further to my question, your cooked portions are still unprocessed, just more like baked potatoes, steamed veggies, and other cooked foods that don't have any "man-made" additives?
Frederic: yes, exactly
Michelle's response: Thanks Frederic. That's how I'm eating as well - I consider myself about 80% raw and feel healthy - I agree with your article on your site as well as the one with Nazariah. Thank you for being brave enough to stand up and share your beliefs, controversial though they may be.
Michelle's thoughts: More of an answer (these unmoderated chats leave little time for thorough, thoughtful answers, that kinda bugs me, as you'll read in the chat transcript - I thought Janice and I were chatting privately, apparently not. Gotta be careful what I say when I don't think anyone is listening!)

FromSADtoRAW: Do you speak at functions or give workshops? We have a local raw food community called Raw Ozarks (www.rawozarks.com) and we often invite people to host workshops or give lectures here -- Viktoras was our last one and Tonya Zavasta is our next one. Would be interested in having you speak.
Frederic: E-mail me about the workshops
Michelle's thoughts: How do you advertise a workshop for someone who has no credentials? "Yes, come out to the workshop where controversial self-taught raw foodist, French Fred, talks about how all raw foodists are going to die a slow painful death from lack of cooked food." (tongue-in-cheek) No, really, I bet a lot of people would come to hear him talk. I'm sure I would.

Next month's chat will be Alissa Cohen. I like her, looking forward to that chat. 

Another thing I'm doing is researching rebounders. My mom sent me a nice monetary birthday gift yesterday and I've been thinking I want to use the money for my health and weight loss. Boni says to get clothes, but I can't justify buying new clothes until I've lost all the weight I'm gonna lose, or at least be more than 50% of the way there. So I did a bunch of research, and sought out the help of fellow raw foodists. Instead of typing all of the great info I gleaned, I'll just put the links to the 3 message board posts that offered advice (Raw Food Chat, Nature's First Law, and Living and Raw Foods Community). I'll probably make a decision here in the next week, but am leaning toward the Needak soft-bounce rebounder.  

Something I'm gonna work on for the site is changing everyone's pictures to be more like the format of mine....chronological in a row, side by side. I've done it for some of the people already, if their pictures were easy enough to do that with. A suggestion for people sending in photos: consider taking the photos the way I do --- same poses, same angles, similar to the same clothes each month, so your progress will be more easily noticed and your pictures can be formatted the same. Just a thought, so we can all ooh and aah over your progress.

Food Intake: 
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1 bunch of grapes
- orange (most of it, there was a bit of weird brown stuff on one end - that's what happens when ya buy bags of oranges, not the cream of the crop)
- banana (most of it, there was also a bit of bruising on this - all my fruit it now really really ripe, it's all such a balancing act, wish I could get fresh fruit delivered every day to my house)
- 2 side salads with Paul Newman's Balsamic Vinaigrette from McDonald's
- 1 baked potato with chives, salt, pepper, and some of the Vinaigrette (didn't need this, was already full from the salads, but was craving it)
- glass of decaf iced tea with lemon (I don't like it with lemon)
- orange
- half bowl of Vegan bouillon broth
- mammoth-size bowl of Vegan bouillon broth with boiled veggies (corn on the cob, peeled potatoes, green beans, garden-fresh peas, carrots, green onions, mushrooms) 
- bite of an apple-walnut-coconut-allspice ball I made (I don't know --- I just throw things together)
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1/2 Boni's orange

Exercise:
Woohoo!!! Walked 1 mile using 2 or 3 pound weights (don't know which) with neighbor. Then she sat in the truck while I walked another half mile super fast, kicking butt and takin' names! I got my heart rate up, I was sweatin', my face was flushed and hot, it was awesome!!!! Felt like a million bucks afterward. Exercise isn't as bad as I remember. It's kinda fun. Looking forward to swimming this summer and doing some more aerobic exercising.

---

May 28, 2004, Friday (Day 148) SAD today (the real meaning of SAD)

Boni and I took a half day off work today. We met our neighbors at Brioso Brazil for lunch. Made myself sick eating so much and making poor food combining choices. And you know what's weird? It didn't taste as good as it has in the past. I was in so much anticipation of lunch today. I love going to Brioso, but I don't know - things just weren't as yummy as they normally are to me. Nothing but the cashews was satisfying to me.

This afternoon I got super depressed. I had finished cleaning and taking care of my outdoor bird feeders, installed a new one and added a squirrel baffle (they're waking us up in the mornings and stealing all the bird food!) After that, I just got tired and sad. One of the reasons is a real one --- my little Carolina Wrens out front were, we believe, eaten by raccoons last night. I kept hearing something on the porch last night, but thought it might be Boni since she had gone outside and down to our neighbor's house. When Boni came back she told me to come look at the nest. The momma had covered up the nest entirely, which we figured was her way of protecting the babies. Well today, I checked on them, because the "cover" hadn't been removed all day. All of the babies were gone except one, one who was dead, laying there motionless. They weren't big enough to fly yet, so we know they were taken. I'm so sad, I feel responsible, although I do know realistically it's not my fault. This is the one aspect of living in nature that is not fun. 

So that was an obvious reason to be depressed, but it wasn't all about that. I feel ultra sensitive today, lately I guess. I'm irritable, moody and short. I've been taking the St John's Wort, and to be honest, I was wanting to stop taking it. I don't want to take supplements, at all. I know I'm gonna stay on the B12 and I'm ok I guess taking the St. John's Wort, I just wish I didn't have to. I'm definitely not adding anything else, so save your breath offering suggestions for other supplements I should be taking. I took a nap for about 30 minutes - maybe I'm just tired and need some rest. I don't ever feel like I give myself rest. I go go go, I rush in the morning to get to work, work all day, drag myself home, take care of the dogs, pick up the kitchen and the house, do some laundry, blah blah blah, and then work on the computer. Oh and now I'm squeezing in some exercise and maybe some stretching on the back deck. But I'm not doing any meditations, crafts, rollin' around on the floor with the pups, playing dominoes with Boni and our neighbors...fun stuff, playful stuff. Why can't I take care of that aspect of my life? Why all business and no fun? Last weekend when we went to Fayetteville for the day and on the boat ride that evening --- that was fun. That made me feel well-rounded. Otherwise, I'm feeling very "food oriented" only on this raw journey --- and that's not what this is all about. I want to explore and experiment with taking care of all aspects of my life. 

I decided that I could continue being depressed or I could get my ass outside and go for a walk. My neighbor had a headache, and Boni had gone to the store, so I just went outside and did my 1 mile loop up the hill down the other side, then back up. I felt super, it was tough, but I did it! And by the time I got back, I wasn't depressed anymore. Interesting how my depression over little to nothing can go away by moving my butt! Those experts aren't kidding when they say exercise keeps the depression demons away! Gotta remember that when I get sad, and react promptly with some exercise. 

Weight - 255 lbs - total weight loss 55 pounds

Food Intake:
- Glass of decaf iced tea
- Orange
- 3 trips to the Brioso Brazil salad bar (my birthday lunch with Boni and our neighbors): romaine, leafy greens, cucumbers, celery, carrots, red/green/yellow bell peppers, cherry tomatoes (actually ate half of one this time), 4 sweet gherkins, bite of heart of palm, 8 jumbo green olives, 5 black olives, a bunch of roasted/salted cashews, raisins, bite of cold potato salad-type dish (ick), bite of cold apple-nut salad-type dish (just ok), bite of diced cucumber-dill salad-type dish (had some type of marinade on it),  cracked pepper, fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing, cantaloupe, pineapple (shouldn't have mixed the fruit with my salad - tummy ache afterwards - not that all of that food combining wasn't terrible enough already)
- 12 oz water
- handful of pecans
- bowl of vegan bouillon vegetable soup
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1/2 pitcher vanilla milkshake
- 1 Morning Star soy buffalo wing (yea, I had one - Boni bought a box at the store today, made them, and I ate one, have to admit, it was good)
- 8 cherries
- juice of 2/3 of a pineapple (juiced it myself - first time - YUM!!!!)
- 6 more cherries (they are super in season now!)
- 1/2 cantaloupe (yum! I like using my little melon baller to eat directly out of the cantaloupe bowl)

Exercise:
1 mile walk at a fast pace up and down the hills by my house, seriously sweating, panting, hot, flushed skin, loving it!!!!!

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May 29, 2004, Saturday (Day 149) Dixie's Downhome Dessert 

This morning, Boni, our neighbor Anita and I went to the Bella Vista Book Sale, then went to the Bentonville Farmer's Market. There was the sweetest girl there, a little entrepreneur, couldn't have been more than 12 years old. She had her own booth set up, no parents - by herself, well with her little best friend (who was doing her best to sabotage any possible sales). Anyway, the girl whose booth it was, was selling her handmade bead bracelets and earrings. I loved her spirit, she reminded me of me, always creating some new business or trying some new hobby or activity to throw myself into. Anyway, I couldn't help but buy a bracelet/earring set from her, and I couldn't help but throw a few more bucks her way --- it's so important to encourage people to trust in their talent and go for their dreams - she's 12 years old!!!!! And spending her Saturday mornings selling her crafts! That is so amazing to me. See, Michelle, not all youth are going to hell in a hand basket. (PS as a total aside - I bought myself jewelry! I spent $10 on me! I bought something that is gonna make me feel good! Something that might draw attention to myself! Now that's progress.)

Went to Harp's for a few groceries. I had the produce guy split open a seedless watermelon for us (since the one Boni bought the other day was nasty once we got home and opened it up). I got a few more veggies for some steamed veggies this week. I thought I'd try Baby Portabella mushrooms instead of regular mushrooms in my steamed veggies. 

When I got home, I made a blueberry pie recipe that I got off of one of the raw Yahoo! Groups I'm on. I ate it as soon as I finished a salad Boni made for me. It was supposed to be my birthday cake (Boni said she felt bad that I had to make my own birthday cake --- um, does she know me at all? I love to make my own stuff! Besides birthdays aren't the big deal they used to be. Guess turning 30 tomorrow should be a big deal, but it's not. The only thing I'm hoping for is that people will stop referring to me as "just a baby." I hang out and work with people who are all older than I.) Anyway, this pie kicks butt!!!!  It's so fun to try new recipes. I like that it's called Dixie's Blueberry Pie (she also has peach, and any other fruit you can think of) --- because it reminds me of "Dixie" in the southern sense - like I'm having some downhome southern pie, like "gramma used to make." 

This afternoon, I spent hours outside planting tons and tons of plants. I have so many herbs, there will be no excuse to not use fresh herbs in my "cooking." It felt super to be outside, in the sun, with the pups, and with Boni, listening to the birds (and the radio), feeling the breeze, playin' in the dirt. I was tired after that, but really wanted to get out and get some real exercise, so I drove down to the lake and walked the dam for 2 miles, fast with arm weights (borrowed from my neighbor). I think I forgot to mention the last two times I walked, I used arm weights too. She doesn't know how much they weigh, so I need to weigh them on my postal scale, just cause I'm curious. I can feel my arms starting to firm up more, can't wait to have those awesome Jennifer Aniston arms! It's so great to walk in such a beautiful place --- little bunnies and mice hopping next to me, great blue herons flying overhead, stopping to take a swallow of lake water, people fishing on the piers, cliff swallows and red-winged black birds dive bombing one another, mallards squawking at the walkers and the fishermen. How much closer to nature can I get!? I'm really realizing nothing makes me feel better than being outside, in nature, and getting some exercise at the same time.

Tonight I made a Mashed Potatoes recipe out of a cauliflower that Boni bought at the Farmer's Market today. I tried a bite, but yuck, I don't think it's good. And I was really hoping I'd like it. I was thinking that it might be like when I made the Sunflower Refried Beans for the first time - they really were like beans (and I didn't even like beans as a SAD eater). But sadly, it wasn't. Boni likes it, so I'll just feed it to her, but bummer. I even spruced it up, as it says you can do in the directions. 

Oh and Boni bought me another Persimmon to try. This one is already super ripe, so I guess we'll eat it in a few days to see if it's better than the last one we got. 

Someone emailed me today asking me to start putting times with my food intake. Yikes, guess what that means? You'll get to see when I pig out and poor food combine!!!! Oh well, I do as I'm told (not really, but this time I will). I didn't start doing this til I got the email tonight, so the first 3/4 of the day won't have times, but starting tonight I'll show the times. 

Food Intake:
Morning
- banana
- lemon water
- orange

Afternoon
- glass of decaf iced tea
- orange
- medium salad: spring lettuce mix, cucumbers, carrots, grape tomatoes, celery, raisins, sunflower seeds, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl. Paul Newman's Raspberry Vinaigrette (PS I don't like the purple Radicchio lettuce, ick, reminds me of cabbage which I despise)
- 1 corn on the cob (microwaved 1.5 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- 1/3 of a watermelon (the seedless, round kind - normally I don't like the seedless kind, but this one was good)
- 2 slices of Dixie's Blueberry Pie (yum!)
- handful almonds (I think they are raw, but not completely sure, got them in the produce department at Harp's Grocery.)
- a bite of Boni's slice of the blueberry pie
- 3 cherries
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 16 oz water (after my walk)

9:30 pm  
- bite of "Mashed Potatoes"
- 1 corn on the cob (microwaved 2 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
- bowl of Vegan bouillon vegetable soup
- glass of decaf iced tea

10:00 pm Boni offered me her last Morning Star Soy Buffalo Wing, but I refused, asking her to soak the thing in water before throwing it away (umm, yea, so I wouldn't be tempted to pull it out of the trash and eat it!). Of course I wanted it, but I "treated" myself to one last night, and don't need to do it again, or I'll just keep wanting them. Then I wanted another piece of pie, but then realized I'd have to write it down, and it would have been eaten super late, so I restrained myself. Is that progress or not really what I would have done, had I not had to write it down? Oh well, I didn't eat it, so that's good either way.

Exercise:
2 mile fast-paced walk with arm weights (feels sooooo good to be in an exercise routine)

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May 30, 2004, Sunday (Day 150) My 30th birthday - all uphill from here

Today's my 30th birthday, but it doesn't feel like it. The only thing I know is that I'm healthier at 30 than I've been at any other age in my life. I may not be the thinnest I've ever been in my life (duh!), but I'm on my way. So many people have said that "it's all downhill after 30," that "it only gets harder to lose weight after 30," that "things start sagging after 30," and that "aches and pains become real after 30." Well, maybe with this life change to a mostly Raw, definitely healthy-sometimes-cooked diet, I'll be able to say, "It's all uphill from here."

I've gotten some questions on the dry skin brushing that I do each night before my shower. So I thought I'd put a picture (to the right) of the Yerba Prima dry skin brush that I use. I got it from my local natural foods store. I dry skin brush my whole body, but what I'm really noticing is that it's working on my stomach stretch marks! Woohoo!! (I also put the Calming Lavendar oil on my stomach each night after my shower.)

A couple of other pictures to the right are: 1.) the standard salad that Boni makes me, usually on the weekends (otherwise, I make my own salads); and 2.) my standard vegetable medley of broccoli, carrots, celery, mushrooms, green peppers, yellow squash, zucchini, and nuts (this time almonds). This picture is before I steam them. Since I eat these things so regularly, thought I'd share what they look like.  

I gardened for about 2 hours this afternoon. Would have gardened longer, but severe thunderstorms hit. We were under a tornado watch, but it never got worse than some marble-sized hail, heavy rains and strong winds. I was so sore from last night's strenuous walk and today's squatting and bending over the garden, that I guess it was a little reprieve for me. Our power went out and stayed out for 3 hours. 3 hours! I was in a panic about food - it was quite funny, I was worried about the food in the fridge, and I had just cut up veggies to steam for my "birthday dinner." So I couldn't steam anything til later. 

I was in a mopey mood still today, so I decided I'd take the dogs down to the lake for a walk around the dam. We walked a mile, not too fast, not too slow. I just needed to be outside. Maybe I'm going through another stage, maybe raw-related, maybe not. Anyway, I'm glad I still made the decision to go for a walk. 

Ok, so maybe in my funk today, I started to have cravings. Maybe it's cause it's my birthday, maybe it's cause I lost 9 pounds in May, maybe it's cause I have 5 months on this journey today. Who knows why. But I wanted Maria's Mexican today. Chips, queso, salsa, flour tortillas, a chile relleno, the whole nine yards. I miss my Mexican dammit!!! I hemmed and hawwed to Boni about how it's my birthday and I should be able to have a fricken Mexican meal if I want to!! Boni finally said, very sweetly - "If you still want it tomorrow, I'll take you to Maria's." Goddess bless her!!!!!!!! She said the very thing I've had to say to myself time and time again, when I wanted to go crazy and get fast food. Thank you Boni! So, for today, no Maria's. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, but at least I am able to say no to the devil food (tongue in cheek) today.

Food Intake: 
10:45 am Juice of 2 large Fuji apples (we slept in today, so food intake started late)
11:30 am large handful of almonds (unsoaked)
12:00 pm Boni made me a medium salad (see picture to the right): leafy greens, tomatoes, carrots, celery, cucumber, pine nuts, raisins, 1 Tbl Paul Newman's Raspberry Vinaigrette (I don't like that dressing anymore, ate half the salad, then added 1/2 Tbl Green Onion Dressing - enjoyed the rest of the salad)


Yerba Prima Dry Skin Brush


Salad I eat when Boni makes it for me


Vegetable medley (with almonds) before steaming

12:15 pm Glass of decaf iced tea
1:30 pm Slice of watermelon (eaten outside in the rain after gardening)
2:10 pm Fruit salad of a banana and a peach (peach not really ripe yet)
2:50 pm slice of Dixie's Blueberry Pie
4:30 pm Orange, 3 melon balls (I have one of those melon ballers)
5:30 pm Power finally back on - 2 medium size plates of steamed veggies with Tamari Soy Sauce, sea salt and pepper (YUM!)
8 oz water
8:00 pm Vanilla Milkshake (1/2 pitcher)
11:45 pm large handful almonds (unsoaked)

Exercise: 
Gardening for about 2 hours
Walked 1 miles with the pups (which means slow-pace)

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May 31, 2004, Monday (Day 151) Pictures Say a 1,000 Words

Woke up late again today, since we had the day off. After lunch we went shopping at Wal-Mart. I had some birthday money and I wanted to get my own set of 3 lb arm weights (I'd been borrowing my neighbor's while I walk) and a pedometer so I don't have to keep track of laps at the dam when I walk. I really want to get a rebounder, but am not gung ho enough to spend the $200 it's gonna take to get the good one I really want. So I'll wait a bit, and just keep walking for now (not that I would stop just cause I got one, but I could see myself getting lazy to not go get in the car to drive to the lake to walk). 

Before we went to Wal-Mart, I put up my latest raw-in-progress pictures. Ok, I think I figured out why I've been depressed lately. I was looking at my pictures, and I don't know who that person is. I'm changing and the me that I was is going away. I think I'm mourning the loss of that person (along with the loss of crap cooked foods). It scares me, it's like losing a friend you've known your whole life and a new one moves in next door and wants to be friends, but you just don't know. You're not comfortable with them, you don't know them, they don't know you. When you look at them, you think you see aspects of your old friend, but it's like they are wearing a mask. Anyway, it's making me sad. Something I should be rejoicing, and I'm not there yet. It was so easy my whole life to hide behind a super thick layer of fat, a body suit to shield me from the world. Oh well, in time, Michelle...in time.

I was having another hell day of craving Mexican food. I whined about it all dang day long, and Boni eventually got irritated at me and told me to either go eat it or shut up about it! Ouch. She's right, I was seriously obsessing over it. I finally said I was hungry and feeling deprived so let's go home so I can eat something. I'll just say one other thing about this craving. I think about the action of going to the restaurant, sitting down in a booth, smelling the fajitas, getting that big bowl of chips and queso and salsa, and a side of jalepenos, and taking a bite. Then in my mind, I freak out! I go, wait, I can't eat a chip! What am I doing? So in the end, my fantasy lunch turns into a big guilt fest somewhere between feeling self conscious for eating one chip and feeling like a stuffed pig for eating two baskets full. I think the bottom line is even if I were to go and binge on Mexican food, the joy wouldn't be there, because I'd know what I was doing wasn't right for me and my body. How sad is that. "Binging ain't what it used to be, is it, Marge?" I just made that up, that's silly!

So guess what else I did today? I worked on the next e-newsletter going out tomorrow. It's a step-by-step pictorial demonstration of the Zucchini Spaghetti with Marinara recipe (pictured to the right). So if you haven't signed up for the e-newsletter, go do it now so you can get this recipe in your inbox tomorrow!

Oh and we bought a new exotic fruit today at Wal-Mart (yea, Wal-Mart's starting to have strange and exotic produce). It's called a Red Tamarillo (pictured below and to the right) and neither I, nor Boni, had ever seen this fruit before. It tasted ok, kinda reminded me of a pomegranate, especially the seed part. So I decided I'd make a shake out it. Then Boni reminded me that the ripe Persimmon was ready to be eaten, so I tried it. YUM!!! Yes, definitely wait to buy a Persimmon til it's ripe, makes all the difference in the world. Reminded me a lot of a mango, but without the aftertaste. I threw it in with my Tamarillo and a peach and some frozen bananas, ice and water and made a super duper smoothie. I didn't want to eat something, like chew it - so all of that went into a drinkable meal.  

This evening I went for my walk. I didn't want to, but am now afraid of letting this routine go and not picking it back up, so off I went. The sun was shining just so, this evening, so that I was walking behind my shadow. I watched the shadow of my body, large hips, smaller upper frame, long legs that still rub together when I walk. I kept envisioning that shadow getting smaller and smaller over time, becoming more defined and outlined as my true body shape comes into focus. How strange it will be when I take up so much less space than I do now. I've lost 55 pounds, what is that, like a 7 year old child or something? How bizarre. What will it be like when I've lost 140 pounds, 3 children gone from my body. WEIRD!!! Ugh, I have a headache from worrying about who the person is that I'm to become. Going to bed now. 

Food Intake:
10:45 am Freshly squeezed juice (2 large Fuji apples, 1 peach) - YUM!
12:00 pm Salad with 1 Tbl Green Onion Dressing (look at that, no commercial dressing today!) - leafy greens, cucumber, carrots, celery, radishes, pine nuts, raisins
1:15 pm Slice of Dixie's Blueberry Pie
4:30 pm 1 corn on the cob (microwaved 2 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
              large bowl of steamed veggies with almonds (reheated in the microwave 2 minutes, 1 Tbl Tamari Soy Sauce, pepper)
             6 oz water
5:45 pm small bowl of Zucchini Spaghetti with Marinara 
             6 oz water
7:45 pm 12 oz water (after walk)
8:45 pm bite of a Red Tamarillo, bite of a peach, bite of a persimmon
             1/2 pitcher fruit smoothie (Tamarillo, Peach, Persimmon, 2 frozen bananas, 1 Tbl honey, ice and filtered water)

Exercise: 
Walked 2.31 fast-paced miles with 3 lb arm weights

Zucchini Spaghetti with Marinara


Red Tamarillo that we tried for the first time today

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June 1, 2004, Tuesday (Day 152) Looking at My Goal

There's the new me (see my picture up there). Weird, huh? Strange to look at myself while I type. Oh well, I like how my glasses are fitting now. That's more the look I was wanting when I bought them. 

Didn't go home for lunch so later in the afternoon I ran out to Wendy's to pick up some lunch. I was starving by 2:30 when I went. 

Did some math on how much weight I want to lose by when....I'm thinking (but I am in no way forcing my body to do this) that I want to be at my goal weight of 170 pounds by my 31st birthday (May 30, 2004). That will be a total of 17 months on this way of eating. I've lost 55 pounds, have 85 to go, which means an average of 7 pounds per month weight loss for the next 12 months. That is a healthy, reasonable goal. If I get there sooner, super, if it takes longer, that's ok, but it's nice to have a goal in mind. It's exciting to think about myself getting to my goal weight and 7 little pounds a month doesn't sound so scary --- it's good to break down that huge number (85 pounds) into little segments. 

Oh, I read the new interview tonight with David Wolfe and French Fred. Here are my comments:

1.) David Wolfe is gonna be selling a bunch of superfoods and supplements after this - Hmmm, you all know how I feel about living on supplements and superfood, but am I already part of the bandwagon if I tell you I ordered cacao beans, mesquite powder, and maca - all considered superfoods - on a recent bulk buying order through my local Raw Ozarks community group? Yea, probably --- but I'll be honest and tell you that I got those three things cause I heard they taste yummy in shakes. Hey, I'm a sucker for yummy tasting things (Oh and if Maca is an aphrodisiac, I won't complain) 

2.) I love how French Fred always calls people on their 'facts' - David said, "Dr. Esser just passed away recently and he was in his 90s and he had been a raw vegan for about 60 years — for a very long time." --- Fred corrected this statement by saying Dr. Esser was not a vegan. Way to go, Fred. Keep 'em real! I could also tell you I'm 90% raw, but if someone actually looks at my daily intake, they would point out that I am indeed closer to 80-85% (which is actually what I say I am, but you get the idea). Unless someone calls you on it, I guess you can say whatever you want. So good job, Fred. I think it's great that David's his friend, but he won't just sit back and say, "Uh, ok. Yea that's true."

3.) David said, "I think what happens is that people take their emotional stuff into whatever diet they’re doing." Yep - I have an overeating issue, I have to like what I'm eating to eat it, I have self-image and body-perception issues, I want Raw to make me a thin, beautiful woman, and am relying heavily on that hope --- and I see MANY raw foodists obsessing equally as much - whether it's Raw, or Atkins, or the Grapefruit Diet, or Weight Watchers, it's all about our obsessive interest in food (ooh, I'm sure that's gonna piss off some people, but it's just how I see it, I admit it for myself, so I'm not pointing the finger at anyone)

4.) David said, "I think it comes to really looking at who’s getting the results that they want. That’s the best way to assess the validity of any diet. Look at the person who’s behind it. If the person who’s behind it is centered, their brain is working properly, they look good and they have great skin health, they look young, they feel great, they have a positive attitude, then that would probably be an indication that the diet that they’re on is working." Best thing he said in the interview. When you go to a 12 step meeting and you're looking for a sponsor, they tell you, "Look for someone who has what you want." That's what I believe in. I only go to hairdressers whose hair I like, I check the teeth of my dentist, and I look at the health of the person giving me Raw advice. Do they look good, do they sound good, do they walk what they talk? I don't care what book they've written (did anyone else notice in the Fred chat last week that he kept repeating that, "well I'm a raw food author" --- as if being an author makes you an authority on anything...Anyone can publish a book, I'm even working on something myself, but that doesn't make me an expert! It just makes me someone who is taking time to write down what I think. That's it.) 

Sorry, tangent, ramble.....I think I'm getting a bit too opinionated on everything I read - it is all very overwhelming. I just want to make it clear that I don't subscribe to any one person's theories, any one raw philosophy or any one way of doing anything. It's all up to the individual to figure out what works for them. Sorry, let me "first person" that --- It's up to me to figure out what works for me.

Bottom line of this and every article and interview I read. I'm realizing more and more that I'll read what everyone has to say, but then I'm still gonna do what I was gonna do in the first place, and that's listen to me. No one has all the answers, so why not just seek inside myself for the answers to the questions I'm asking. I think, most of the time, I know what the answer is, don't you?

PS Someone told me the other day, "Everyone knows you're a firecracker, Michelle." I haven't stopped thinking about that ever since. I am super opinionated and tell it like I think it is. I'm sure that turns some people off, but honestly, I can't help it. I see people every day get so worried they are doing things wrong, and I want to hoot and holler that we're all ok! We're obviously health-conscious or we wouldn't be worried. Therefore, I think we all know best to take care of our bodies - in time, true science and research will sort out the details. (Note: The person who told me that is a good friend, and I did not take offense to it, I just wanted to acknowledge that I know that I can shoot off at the mouth, and that I'm not an expert on anything Raw, I'm just sharing my experience and thoughts.)

Food Intake: 
8:00 am 12 oz water
8:30 am banana
10:30 am orange (sucked the juice out of it, it's one of those icky ones that have seeds!)
11:10 am large Fuji apple
12:45 pm banana
               8 oz water
2:30 pm  Wendy's side salad: lettuce, cherry tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, Fat Free French dressing (they (Wendy's) added 2 purple onion slices to make the salad look prettier, guess they're starting to compete with McDonald's salad)
              Wendy's baked potato, chives, pepper, Fat Free French dressing (no salt, saw "Iodized" and made the decision to skip the salt this time)
              12 oz water
3:00 pm - 5:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea (sipped on throughout the afternoon)
6:15 pm 2 big slices of watermelon (Yowsers that's good! Gonna get me 'nother one o' those!)
7:00 pm 2 corn on the cob (microwaved 2 1/2 minutes, sea salt, pepper)
8:45 pm 3 big slices of watermelon
8:50 pm 1 c. pecans 
9:45 pm bite of Dixie's Blueberry Pie
10:45 pm handful bing cherries (I think I'm bored with these now, on to the next "thing")

Exercise:
1.28 mile walk with 3 lb arm weights (with neighbor)

June 3, 2004, Thursday (Day 154) 100% Raw Day (without realizing it)

I'm worn out. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! Gonna take a break tonight from spewing my thoughts. Just want to note that I had a 100% raw day without trying or realizing it. You all know, that my goal is not necessarily 100%, but every so often it does feel good to just eat "pure."

OH!!! One other thing. I found out today that our "Natural" Sea Salt is NOT Celtic sea salt. The "natural" sea salt we've been buying at the natural food coop here is NOT the good stuff we're supposed to be eating. How the hell were we supposed to know that??? Yikes! How many other people have been consuming large quantities of "natural" sea salt thinking it hadn't been processed. We found out cause I was wanting to start grinding our own sea salt, so we ordered some Celtic Sea Salt (light grey) from The Grain and Salt Society. Got the salt in today and a brochure on the differences between Celtic, "Natural" and Iodized. Oh man! Lesson learned. No more "natural" sea salt for us. Isn't this all so damn confusing sometimes? Click here for the difference. PS It's about $5.00 a pound after you join their membership (which is $15 a year and then we get half off their prices). Hell, we've been using that "natural" sea salt like it was good for us!

Food Intake:
8:00 am Lemon Water with Stevia (wanted Iced Tea but made the choice to have water instead, like a good girl)
10:00 am Banana (I was hungry before that but got busy with work)
12:10 pm Banana (super starving now, but not going to lunch just yet)
1:10 pm Large Fuji apple 
3:30 pm small plate of Zucchini Spaghetti with Marinara (never went home for lunch, had this in the fridge at work)
4:45 pm 1 c. almonds (unsoaked)
6:00 pm juice of 2 Fuji apples
7:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
7:30 pm mouse nibbles to test the Chocolate Mousse Pie that I'm making for a dinner we're going to tomorrow night 
10:00 pm Crab Delight on one large green leaf lettuce piece (lettuce wrap)

Exercise:
1/2 mile fast-paced walk (in my work shoes!) to try to save an escaped calf on the side of the road
1 mile regular-paced walk with the pups at the lake (on the dam)

June 4, 2004, Friday (Day 155) Raw Dinner with SAD Friends & Brand New Raw Products

After work tonight we went over to one of Boni's co-worker and her roommate's home for dinner. Boni said they'd be having salmon and salad and we'd be having salad. I also heard her mention something about bread, so I was psyching myself up for having to deal with freshly baked rolls or french bread. Well they didn't. They chose to eat salads only with us, which I thought was super nice of them. They seemed to enjoy relishing the salad instead of eating it as a side, without paying it much mind. After a really nice, long dinner, we had dessert. I had brought a Chocolate Mousse Pie and all but the one roommate's co-worker (a guy) tried it and seemed to enjoy it. They were thoroughly shocked that the main filling ingredient was avocado. I would have been myself not so long ago. We ended up leaving most of the pie with them for leftovers and only brought home a piece for Boni and one for me. 

Now that I've done the raw gourmet thing for a while now (like I'm some sort of expert now, yea right), I enjoy the food at the meal, but then I'm kinda done and on to the next, ya know? The excitement has worn off and I find that Raw Gourmet is more of a treat than the norm. That's so wild, cause I never would have thought I'd move BACK toward simple again. Don't get me wrong, potlucks where there's tons of raw gourmet dishes is still wonderful, but I notice at home I'm just not "cooking" as much as I was earlier on Raw. Interesting. I'm not going to stop creating recipes and trying recipes, but I think it will slow down some now that I've settled into this as a routine. I guess coming up on 6 months might have something to do with it. 

Something else interesting that I noticed over dinner and conversation tonight --- I didn't go off on Raw foodism the way I normally would --- insisting they hear every last bit of knowledge I've learned, every highlight of my journey, every recipe I've tried, and why they might be interested in incorporating Raw into their life. It was barely mentioned, actually. Hmmm, am I relaxing into this way of living so much, that I don't have that desire to have others know about it? That would be good --- live by example not by words. 

We had stopped off at my friend, James' house before going to dinner to pick up the bulk buying order that came in from Nature's First Law, GoldMine, Bariani Olive Oil, and Anderson Almonds. He's going out of town so I'm taking all the stuff and dividing it up amongst those who ordered. Wow, that is the biggest order I've ever seen--- a box of 12 bottles of Nama Shoyu, a box of 12 bottles of Raw Olives, half a dozen bottles of agave nectar, bags of raisins, maca, mesquite powder, carob powder, cacao beans, sun dried tomatoes, a 25 pound box of organic almonds, a 20 liter drum of truly raw, stone pressed, extra virgin, unfiltered olive oil, and some extras that people had ordered. How exciting!!! I get to try the following brand new things this weekend (you know I can't wait!) - agave nectar, mesquite powder, maca, and cacao beans. Fun!!! My kitchen table looks like a Raw store, wouldn't that be fun!

I'm going to take care of myself this weekend and not leave the house, except to exercise. I'm gonna play with the pups, go through all this stuff we got in, do some major work on the site, and enjoy the time at home. We think my email problems are finally worked out - the web hosting company showed me how to download every email on the server since April - would you believe 5,000 emails came pouring in. Jeez, Louise, that was a lot of email to sort through. I found some that were new to me, that I had never responded to, so I'm working on responding to those now. 

PS Someone pointed out to me that on June 1st, I misstated myself in my point #4 --- What I wanted to say was, "Look for someone who has what you want." --- not look for someone who has what you HAVE --- doi! No, if they have what I already have, I don't want it <grin>. (Thanks Beverly for the request for clarification.) That was an ironic slip of the tongue --- maybe I was thinking that now I do have what I was looking for back then. Maybe I'm becoming my own role model. Wouldn't that be something! 

Food Intake:
8:00 am glass of decaf iced tea (it's Friday, I'm having what I want dammit <well within reason!>)
8:45 am nectarine (soft but still not really in season yet)
9:30 am banana
12:30 pm small Fuji apple
1:45 pm Wendy's side salad (fat free French dressing)
             Wendy's baked potato, chives, 1 packet of salt, pepper
             12 oz water
2:00-5:00 pm sipped on a glass of decaf iced tea
6:00 pm 1 c. almonds/cashews/banana chips (Shannon, I'm snackin' on your banana chips!!!! But I promise I'm making enough to share!)
8:00 pm Salad: leafy greens, carrots, green pepper, orange pepper, dried cranberries, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, mango slices, tomatoes, cucumber, cracked pepper, 1 Tbl Paul Newman's Oil & Vinegar dressing (all oil, have you ever tried to get the vinegar out of that stupid bottle?)
             16 oz water
9:00 pm 2 small slices of Chocolate Mousse Pie
10:30 pm handful almonds (unsoaked), cashews, banana chips
               glass of decaf iced tea  

Exercise: 
None (went to friends' right after work, and stayed til after 10:00 pm)

June 5, 2004, Saturday (Day 156) Website Work

Very quiet day at home (Boni had to work a garden tour today). It's sometimes good to just be by myself and have quiet time to think and get to know me. I worked on the website a bunch today. I would have, of course, loved to just snap my fingers and have all of the things I want done on the site, be done, but it doesn't work that way. I have so many things I want to do and so little time in the day. Oh well, like with Raw, it's about progress, not perfection. 

I tried two new Raw products today: agave nectar and cacao Beans. The agave nectar was really surprisingly good. I figured it would be like sucking on an aloe vera plant or something. Not at all. It's sweet, and tastes just sorta like, I don't know, sugar. It's light and thin, not thick like honey. The cacao was really cool. It's like a coffee bean or something, and the taste reminds me of baking chocolate. It really kinda felt like I was tasting a piece of dark chocolate. And it was super in the new milkshake I made up today. It made the milkshake super smooth, and not so bitter like carob sometimes can make it. It's so interesting, it's like my palette of Raw colors has been opening up lately. Getting to buy in bulk with my fellow Raw Ozarks community members is allowing us to be able to try things we would normally not be able to afford. 

Going to actually go to bed early tonight (it's 12:15 am), so I'm signing off now.

PS Boni's taking me to see the new Harry Potter movie tomorrow. I can't wait!!! The only thing I'm dreading is this is the first movie we've gone too since going raw (seriously, no shit, no movies in that long!), and I'm afraid I'll crave a big Diet Coke, a large bucket of popcorn, and a dill pickle. Maybe I'll let myself have a dill pickle and a bottled water, and I'll sneak in some trail mix in my purse. Hogwarts here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food Intake: (not the most nutritious day, oh well it's the weekend)
10:30 am juice of 2 small Fuji apples, 25 blueberries, 1 nectarine, 3 strawberries (pretty yummy, didn't want to chew this morning - what is that about not wanting to chew sometimes? weird! I think I'm lazy too.)
12:45 pm 1 c. almonds/cashews (soaked and dehydrated)
               a few banana chips
1:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
             1 Moroccan olive from Nature's First Law (first time trying these - ugh!!! I think it best to eat these in a salad, not by themselves --- salty, bitter) 
2:00 pm 8 strawberries
2:50 pm 1 large Lettuce Wrap - Green leaf lettuce piece with Crab Delight and some Tamari (wish I hadn't put the Tamari on it, better plain)
             1 Halawi date (to get the Tamari taste out of my mouth)
4:15 pm CANDy Milkshake (Cacao Agave Nectar Date Yum milkshake - holy crap!!! Yes!!! Yum!!! - first time trying cacao beans and agave nectar)
6:00 pm 1/4 watermelon (I just kept eating and eating and eating)
8:00 pm 2 corn on the cob (microwaved 2 minutes, "natural" sea salt, pepper - I like this corn, it's the white kind - yum!)
             1 c. almonds/cashews/banana chips/raisins
10:00 pm slice of Chocolate Mousse Pie
               glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise:
1 mile regular-paced walk with 3 lb arm weights with my neighbor

June 6, 2004, Sunday (Day 157) Harry Popcorn and Pickles (and introducing Boni)

Ah Sunday. It's my "do everything that didn't get done" day. Sorted through all of the raw products in the bulk order and bagged up each person's order (that took forever, James, I see what you have to do now each time you get an order in), cleaned up the mess of a kitchen we have (I was never this messy as a SAD cook!), refilled all the bird feeders and bird baths (those little piggies), started dehydrating some more banana chips (I can't help but mouse nibble them every so often right out of the dehydrator), and made a batch of Mexi-Chips (you know, recipes never come out the exact same way each time --- oh and this time, I decided to process the hell out of the flax seed mixture, I'm sick of the whole flax seeds in the crackers and we don't have a coffee grinder yet - it worked --- took about 15 minutes of processing, as I added ingredients, but it worked)

Hey!!! We're going to Harry Potter in a little bit!!! Boni said we could have a kiddie popcorn (no butter) and a dill pickle and a bottled water during the movie. Isn't that nice that she's giving me permission so that means I can <tongue in cheek>? I know, I know it's my decision. Sometimes I wanna play like a kid and accept someone else's acceptance of a poor decision. But I'm undecided at this point. I kinda agree with her - I mean it's cooked, but it's a cooked vegetable, and it's just seasonings and oil (yea, not exactly cold-pressed, extra virgin, unfiltered olive oil), and if we say no butter. Am I justifying it? Maybe. We'll see what I decide once we get there. Minimally I'm going to buy a dill pickle, but obviously that is a better choice than popcorn. Hmmm...

So we went to the movies --- I was gonna get a pickle when we got there, but they don't have pickles. How the hell does a movie theater not have pickles, that's like not having popcorn. So then I thought, "Oh well this is my excuse for getting popcorn," which I had actually decided not to get after all. I said, "Hell, I would have gone over to the grocery store and got a deli pickle had I known that." So she said, "Well go, we have time." So I went over there and they too, did not have deli pickles. So I said, screw it, I'm getting a jar of whole Clausen pickles. I switched em into produce bags from the jar, so I could hide them in my purse, and went back over there. The movie theater was also out of bottled water (jeez, louise, are you running a human entertainment business or what??), so I got three of those freebie 1.5 oz cups (haha) and filled them with water fountain water. We went and sat down and I dove into my pickles. They were good, not as good as I remember, but good enough. She went and got her a popcorn (a medium bag, cause it was $0.50 more for twice as much --- isn't that just like society to upsize our crap foods for us?) --- She got it without butter. She asked me for sure that I wouldn't have any, and I said no. I was focusing on my pickles and trail mix (YES!!! bad food combining). I have to admit I would look over every so often at her popcorn. 

About half way through the movie, she had finished half the bag and asked if I wanted the rest or she would throw it away. I said I wanted it but no, I had better not. And she said, I don't even know what she said, she basically gave me the A-Ok to go ahead and eat it. And I don't know, I took it. So I ate the popcorn, and it was really good, and I finished the half bag and I probably could have eaten 3 bags without even thinking about it. But so here's what's weird, or maybe not so weird. The second I finished it I could have taken a nap. I could not keep focused on the movie (and this is Harry Potter!!!), I kept closing my eyes, I could envision myself snoring, I tried to lay my head on her shoulder, I could have fallen asleep right there. I was so exhausted. I was just so tired. And then I thought, "Oh I'll have another pickle" (why the hell would I think that would wake me up???). I had another pickle. Oh, my God. Ok,  poor poor poor poor food combining. Not to mention the fact that I was eating cooked, but the fact that I was eating fermented pickled cucumbers combined with cooked greasy popcorn with trail mix. So so bad. I felt drunk. Did you hear that? I felt drunk! I felt delirious. I felt like I could pass out. My eyes got really tight, like the sockets felt like they could pop out of my head!!!! I felt so so bad, and didn't enjoy the second half of the movie, at all. Such a lesson to learn, and I don't know why I can't learn that lesson without doing it, but I guess I have to. That's part of the progress, the process that I have to take to learn it. Oh man, I felt like shit. The second we got out of the movie, I went to the bathroom and it all came out (the bottom end). I came home and I could have fallen asleep and slept til morning. 

I'm sitting here on the couch and I'm gonna go and have a walk, because I feel sick, I feel like I need to get my body moving and get this out of my system. Craziness. Non-buttered popcorn and pickles! I mean, we're not talking about fried food here --- I'm not talking about french fries and a burger and pizza and chips and cheese. I mean, Lord! Cooked food is like a curse now. I can't even have any (Well of course, except for the standard cooked food you all know I eat like potatoes, veggies, corn on the cob, etc.) Crap cooked food I guess, and poor food combining. I keep swearing I'm not going to care about food combining, but my body is telling me different. Anyway, oh my God, I'm going for a walk. 

PS I noticed something when I went to the bathroom before the movie began. I went, as I normally do, to the "wheelchair accessible" stall. I realize that as a big person, it's my norm to choose that stall. I wonder at what point in my weight loss I will stop feeling like a fat person and choose the smaller stalls. 

(Notice I didn't eat any solid foods after the movie food? That's not the way I normally eat. I usually eat every few hours, but after all that crap, my body asked for a break.)

Food Intake:
10:00 am small handful of almonds (soaked and dehydrated - probably not the best way to start off the day)
12:30 pm Fruit Juice of 1 orange, 3 strawberries, small Fuji apple, 15 blueberries  (Ok, this might be my favorite so far - don't I say that about every one)
1:00 pm salad: mixed greens (ick spinach), radishes, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, carrots, pine nuts, raisins, Green Onion Dressing (ugh, I'm not liking that dressing, gonna go through some of my cookbooks and see if I can't create one I'll like)
1:30 pm 1 corn on the cob (the white kind again - I like it best, microwaved 2 minutes, "natural" sea salt, pepper)
             glass of decaf iced tea
4:30 pm 4 Clausen pickles
              1 c. almonds/walnuts, raisins, banana chips
              8 oz water
5:30 pm 1/2 medium bag movie popcorn (no butter, but still)
             1 Clausen pickle
             8 oz water
8:45 pm Fruit Juice of 1 orange, 3 strawberries, small Fuji apple, 15 blueberries (it's so good, I had to have it again, and I was thirsty)
9:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea (I'm super thirsty from the popcorn and pickles! iodized salt!!)

Exercise: 1/2 mile regular-paced walk with the dogs

June 7, 2004, Monday (Day 158) How I Feel About "Cheating"

On the Nature's First Law discussion forum today, the question was asked, "How often do you fall of the wagon or you cheat and eat something "bad" "junk" cooked stuff?" In one of the responses, Muse said, ""I honestly think sometimes our bodies need to feel bad to remember why we eat good." I loved that saying, it's so true. Just thought I'd share what I posted in response to the question: 

"I wanted to say that for me, it's been about progress. I had an afternoon of cooked crap yesterday (if you read my journals, you'll see in yesterday's post) --- but guess what? My afternoon of cooked crap consisted of 1/2 medium bag of unbuttered, yet obviously oiled movie popcorn and 5 Clausen pickles. Sounds bad? Sounds good? Either way, it's progress for me. Old patterns would have been 1 bag of popcorn with butter and 2 refills, a chocolate bar (or two), and a biggie Coke. Progress not perfection is my goal. The more I progress the more perfect I feel!

PS One of my strongest beliefs is this ---

If you are an overall healthy eater (ie mostly raw) and you have a "slip" you will not gain the weight you have lost or lose the health you have gained.

If you are an overall unhealthy eater (ie mostly cooked crap) and you eat a salad, you will not lose the weight you have gained or gain the health you have lost.

Hope that makes sense. I guess it's a simplistic way (may sound complicated) of saying --- Don't have a fear of reversing all that you have achieved with one bite of "bad" food.

Food Intake:
7:45 am glass of decaf iced tea
8:00 am a few small pieces of watermelon (seeds are bugging me)
9:30 am 3/4 cantaloupe (it tastes like nail polish remover again!)
11:45 am banana
1:00 pm salad: leafy greens, spinach, carrots, celery, radishes, almonds, raisins, Kalamata olives, Moroccan olives, Paul Newman's Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing
             glass of decaf iced tea
4:30 pm orange (Boni had it in the fridge and I don't like how it tasted, so I shared it with her - she doesn't mind it so cold and hard)
6:00 pm baked potato (microwaved 6 minutes, "natural" sea salt, pepper)
             2 c. frozen peas (microwaved 3 minutes, "natural" sea salt, pepper)
8:00 pm 10 oz milkshake (cacao beans, maca, mesquite powder, frozen banana, agave nectar, vanilla powder, almonds, dates, ice, water - random concoction, not really that great - this was my first time trying mesquite powder and maca - maca tastes like cheese to me and mesquite powder tastes like what I heard it would taste like - cinnamon chocolate. I was kind of hoping that maca wouldn't have a taste at all, so when I put it in things, it wouldn't have a taste and change the taste of whatever I'm making )

Exercise:
None (not in the mood)

July 2, 2004, Friday (Day 183) A Break From Myself

Today was an ok day. I wasn't hungry in the morning, but had a huge lunch at my favorite restaurant with an old colleague of mine. It was nice to spend some time with a friend. I really need the weekend to be here, I need a break from everything, just to be at home and take care of myself and the dogs. 

Tonight, my raw foodist friend, James, asked if I wanted to go to see the movie, Fahrenheit 9/11. I had planned on just taking the dogs for a walk and then working on the house, but I remembered that I had made a commitment to do something fun, not just dwell in my isolation. So I went, after a super quick walk with the dogs, since I'd already said "W-A-L-K" to Suki and Simon (hey, they get excited beyond belief when I say the word). It was a nice distraction to be out of the house, and have my mind on something other than my current situation. I don't believe in getting "into it" with people about politics, so all I'll say about the movie is that it was very eye-opening, and my naiveté has definitely been shattered. Put my own situation into perspective, that's for sure.  

Food Intake:
11:45 am Brioso Brazil for lunch: 2 full plates of salad: romaine, green/yellow/red pepper, cucumber, celery, carrots, cherry tomatoes, roasted/salted cashews, sweet gerkhins, green olives, black olives, raisins, cracked pepper, Fat Free Blueberry Poppyseed dressing
               water with lemon
2:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
6:30 pm skillet cooked 1 medium potato, 1 farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed egg, green onion, "natural" sea salt, pepper, Organic Dijon Vinaigrette 
             small handful almonds
             8 oz water
7:30 pm 8 oz water during movie
11:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
               small handful almonds

Exercise: Took the dogs for a quick 15 minute walk before going to the movies; cleaning, hanging pictures, more rearranging of the house and my "stuff"

July 3, 2004, Saturday (Day 184) Picture Day

I slept in late today, felt good to get up with my "natural alarm clock" instead of the electronic kind. I worked on the house some more, little things here and there that I've neglected. Cleaned and refilled the bird baths and the hummingbird feeders, and gathered up more of Boni's belongings. She came by today to pick up a lot of the indoor things that had gotten left behind. That was hard - I didn't see her yesterday and seemed to be ok with that. But today was different, today was tough. 

I worked on the website and answered emails for several hours. I took my 6 month raw-in-progress pictures and put them up. Not happy with the pictures or my physical progress, but I guess I have to be happy with the fact that I still lost 10 pounds in June. And I have had a VERY rough month, so it doesn't surprise me that my pictures reflect that. It's ok, next month is another set of pictures. 

Talked to a friend on the phone - working to not isolate, but to express the grief. Then, while it was still light out, I took the dogs to Tanyard Creek for a nice hike. My depression subsided by getting myself outside, spending some time with the dogs and getting some much needed exercise. It wasn't the quality of the walks I do by myself, but I still sweated and still moved my stiff body. Before heading home, I went by Crystal Cave, a cave here in Bella Vista home to thousands of endangered grey bats. It was still too light out for them to come out, and I didn't feel like waiting for them tonight, so we headed toward the house. I decided last minute to go to the convenient store by my house, which actually is much more than a convenient store. It's called Grand Central Station and it's the local hangout of the retirees. There's a gas station, a convenient store, a deli with a large screen tv where they show movies, and a video rental area. I decided I would rent some movies since I downgraded my cable to a lousy 20 channels, only one of which is any good (TBS for Sex and the City and cheesy 80s movies). I rented "Pirates of the Caribbean," "Lost in Translation," and "Monster." When I was checking out, I couldn't help but see and smell all the fried foods and southern side dishes. I saw the big, fat, juicy corn dogs and nearly caved. Corn dogs were one of my absolute favorite junk foods. I saw that they had mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans, and decided I would get a side of each and enjoy some cooked veggies for dinner. The cream gravy of course wasn't a veggie, but chose to have it with the potatoes. Still a better choice than the corn dogs, not that any of it was ideal. 

When I got home, I scarfed the potatoes and green beans. It wasn't super, like I was expecting it to be, but it hit the spot. I shaved Simon (my Toy Poodle), gave him a bath and then set down to watch "Pirates." So here I am, cozy on the futon-slash-bed with Simon and Suki, watching a movie, playing on the computer, enjoying some iced tea. Having a better night, not so depressed...ok being alone tonight.   

Food Intake:
12:00 pm half of a less-than-satisfying salad: romaine, carrots, radishes, green pepper, garden-fresh grape tomatoes, sunflower seeds, raisins, cucumber, cracked pepper, Organic Dijon Vinaigrette
1:00 - 2:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
2:00 pm 2 hard-boiled farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed eggs, "natural" sea salt, pepper 
4:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
7:00 pm banana
9:30 pm 1 c. mashed potatoes with cream gravy and 1 c. green beans (from convenient store down the street)
11:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
               small handful almonds

Exercise: 1 mile hike with the dogs (which means not at a fast pace, but at least I got outside for some exercise)

July 4, 2004, Sunday (Day 185) Independence Day

I forgot to mention that I started taking a women's multi-vitamin on July 1st. Boni left them here and suggested I start taking one each night for my hair loss and any other deficiencies I might have. So now my daily vitamin/pill intake is as follows: 1 B-12 supplement in the morning, 1 20mg Celexa and 1 women's multi-vitamin in the evenings. 

From Rachel's post for yesterday, she quoted something from her book, "I think that was one thing holding me back from losing weight…the fear that I'd still be unhappy and feel ugly and worthless even if I lost the weight." Ouch, that hit home. I have that fear today. The last 10 years of ups and downs of obesity have been filled with that very thought. Will I be happy when I'm my "ideal" weight? Will that be enough? I'm really hoping that this journey will be the process I need to find happiness with myself, regardless of what weight I "end up" at. I'm hoping that I'll feel like my existence is "enough."

I'm on the RawWeightLoss Yahoo! Group, and the listowner is starting to send out a daily Paperclip Challenge. Here is what I received in my email inbox today. Great stuff!

Today is a new day! Raise your right hand and repeat: Today I will:

1) Drink a minimum of 48 oz of good, pure water. (We often eat when we are thirsty.)
2) Journal--the good, bad, and ugly.
3) Make good food choices (including at least one GREEN meal daily) and eat consciously.
4) Move my body in an exercise that makes me sweat and/or raises/elevates my heart rate. (Power Yoga, or any strenuous yoga DOES count)
5) Do a personal "stretch" or "growth" activity (out of everyday comfort zone, meditation, reading philosophy, studying eastern religion, or anything that I am unfamiliar with)

I was sitting at home this afternoon, after reading an email from a reader of the site, who said she was claiming today her independence day. I liked that and decided to quit moping about the fact that I'm alone on a national holiday with no one to go do fun 4th of July activities with. I shaved my legs, put on my swimsuit and independently drove myself to the local pool to swim and be in the sun. It was a little hard, being at a fun place, surrounded by wives, and mothers, and fathers, and boyfriends and girlfriends, and grandparents and children, playing in the water, buying ice cream cones and cokes and chips at the concession stand, talking and laughing with one another. I felt very alone, and so decided to start a book called, The Present by Spencer Johnson, that someone gave me sometime in the last year (man, I wish I could remember now who gave that to me so I could thank them). I ended up spending about 3 hours at the pool, sunning, then getting in the water, then reading while sunning, and getting back in the water. The book, which I read from cover to cover during that 3 hours at the pool, has changed everything. I'm not sure how to say how incredibly enlightening, yet so simple that book is, but I'm pretty sure it's going to change the way I feel about the current situation that I "find myself" in. Instead of being trite and trying to explain this perception shift, I'll share a few quotes that really stood out for me. 

"Pain is the difference between what is, and what you want it to be."

"It is important to experience painful situations and learn from them, rather than try to distract yourself with something else."

"Even in the most difficult situations, when you focus on what is RIGHT in the present moment, it makes you happier, and gives you the needed energy and confidence to deal with what is wrong."

"It is hard to let go of the past if you have not learned from the past. As soon as you learn and let go you improve the present."

After I left the pool, I went to the grocery store to start to fill my very empty fridge. While I was there, a few things did keep creeping into my head -I kept thinking about all of the families who will be getting together tonight to grill hamburgers and hotdogs, eating potato salad and chips and dips, drinking cokes and dr. peppers. I got jealous. I wanted a hot dog. Of course, I considered it but quickly reminded myself that if I had a hot dog, what would ever stop me from eating another hot dog, or then having a hamburger, or a bag of chips, or a coke here and there. I must have decided that I was feeling deprived, because I ended up buying 1.) Smucker's "Natural" peanut butter (peanuts, salt - must keep refrigerated - lots o' oil), 2.) a bag of those oh-so-yummy roasted/salted peanuts, and 3.) Ken's Country French dressing (since salads at the house have been making me gag, and I need a kick to get to eating more of them again). I couldn't even wait to get home to start snacking on the roasted peanuts, throwing the shells out the window into the woods as I drove. 

Later...ok so tonight, late, I watched "Monster." Oh my God. I'm hysterical right now. I've not watched as intense a movie as that in....I can't even remember. That is the saddest thing I've ever seen, I can't believe it's true. I wish I could say it makes me feel better about my life, but I don't think so. Man it's strange how I can go from being ok about life earlier in the day, and then so utterly depressed right before bed. That is NOT a movie I should have watched and finished at 12:45 in the morning --- now I'm going to go to bed and have the worst sleep of my life. I'm just still really in shock by the movie. Charlize Theron deserves any and every award she gets for that role. 

Food Intake:
9:30 am 6 oz water
10:00 am small Fuji apple
12:00 pm 1 hard-boiled farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed egg, "natural" sea salt, pepper 
2:00 - 5:00 pm 1 1/2 c. raisins (at the pool)
                       16 oz water (at the pool)
                       large Fuji apple (at the pool)
5:30 pm handful roasted/salted peanuts
6:00 pm 2 handfuls roasted/salted peanuts
             1/2 celery spear (is a single celery a spear or a stalk???) with 1 Tbl. peanut butter on it (hmmm, not exactly how I remember, way oily!)
             glass of decaf iced tea
7:00 - 10:00 pm tastes of Rawcamole, Rawlsa, grapefruit (ugh, bitter!), ice cream of grapefruit, orange, banana, vanilla, macadamia nuts, honey (don't make that recipe, it's not a real one, I was just throwing stuff in to see if I could do something useful with the bitter grapefruit, I don't think it worked)
                        1/2 glass decaf iced tea
10:45 pm 1/2 celery spear with Rawcamole on it
               1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
12:45 pm 1/2 celery spear with Rawcamole on it
               handful roasted/salted peanuts

Exercise: Swimming in adult pool - not exactly swim aerobics though

July 5, 2004, Monday (Day 186) Out Of Touch With My Body

Had horrible dreams last night, pretty sure from watching "Monster" right before bed. It's weird, on one of the forums, we're talking about how a lot of us don't dream much anymore, now that we're raw. Then last night to have such an intense, scary dream --- a nightmare really, is interesting. By the way my nightmares often revolve around sharks trying to eat me --- dream analysis experts out there wanna share with me the symbolic significance? 

I was pretty depressed today, but it was really bizarre. I was in a surreal state, so out of touch with my body and senses. It was like I wasn't connecting my mind with my body. I had a few near misses in the car, I'd stumble here and there, dropped a salad with french dressing (orange) on it at Boni's house (on her new carpet!), kept not being able to pay attention to things around me, turned without signaling and got seriously honked at by a guy in a shopping center, and just overall felt really out of it. Not sure why, but I will say I haven't been eating very well the last few days. Overeating roasted peanuts, not getting enough greens (maybe I'm having problems with lack of vitamins), eating things that aren't in my normal routine. I feel very out of whack, it will be good to get into my work routine again. 

I took my car into the shop earlier today and thank gosh it was just my brake pads that I needed to replace --- both the front and back were bad, but I could only afford to have him fix the front, which were making this horrendous noise. Next week I'll take it back for the back pads. Whew, $100 each set is much better than I was expecting it to be, but it's still more than I can really manage. Anyway, after I dropped my car off to have it worked on, Boni's sister picked me up and we ran by Wendy's for me to get a potato and salad, since we had missed the 11:30 am showing of Spiderman 2. We went by Boni's house while we were waiting for the 1:00 pm showing and hung out there a bit. I just feel really uncomfortable being with her but not with her, you know? Maybe that will subside in time. It's still so strange to sit on our chairs in her place, and to see our tv in our armoire in another place, that I don't know, that I feel out of place in. We left in time to get to the movies, only to find out that the theater that was showing Spiderman 2 was having "technical difficulties" and they had cancelled all afternoon viewings. Brenda wanted to go see Harry Potter then, but I took that as a sign I wasn't supposed to go to the movies. 

I left and went by GNC to buy some B-12, since I had sent the rest of the bottle we had with Boni when she moved. I felt like a stranger, like an idiot in GNC - I'm not a vitamin or supplement shopper, but being the proud person I am, I declined any assistance from the store associate. I instead, called Boni and asked her what mcg we buy. She said we were taking 500 mcg, but I could probably stand to take more with my hair loss situation. So I ended up buying a 1000 mcg bottle of GNC B-12. I drove to the Bella Vista Public Library next, not expecting them to be open, but figuring I'm single now, I can make "out of the way" stops. They were open, so I went in and checked out some random books.

  "Financial Self-Confidence for the Suddenly Single"
  "Simple Courtesies: How to Be a Kind Person in a Rude World"
  "Alone, Alive & Well"
  "The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom: Practical & Spiritual Steps So You Can Stop Worrying"
  "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships" 

I don't know if I'll read them all, but they sorta jumped out at me, so I decided I'd check them out for the next 3 weeks and maybe I'll have time or make time to read them. 

I had one more movie to watch today before I had to turn it back in tonight, so I decided I'd just relax and watch it. It was "Lost in Translation." Ok, another movie that wasn't such a wise choice while I'm feeling so sad and alone. Really good movie, but good in the sense that it invokes intense emotions, not exactly happy-go-lucky feelings. 

I had so many ideas of what I'd do this three day weekend, and it just didn't transpire that way. I'm trying to be flexible and open to whatever feels right at the moment. But I feel so strange. I guess this is one of the ways depression comes out. I, like Carla, have had a hard time committing myself to the goals I outlined just a little while ago. It's ok, I'm where I'm supposed to be, and will change as it feels right. 

Later...I am upset tonight, but I have to say that I brought it on myself - it's, of course, regarding Boni, and without going into unnecessary details, suffice it to say, I had a hard lesson to learn tonight and I'm learning it. I am going to put the focus back on me and try to really take care of my needs and work toward letting go and moving on. 

Food Intake:
10:00 am small handful roasted/salted peanuts
               1/2 glass decaf iced tea
12:00 pm 3/4 baked potato from Wendy's (chives, table salt, pepper, Fat Free French dressing)
               1/3 side salad (ugh, not in the mood for salad): lettuce, 3 grape tomatoes, 2 cucumber slices, few nasty carrots, Fat Free French dressing
               1/2 glass decaf iced tea
1:30 pm Mexi-Chips with Rawcamole and Rawlsa
             glass of decaf iced tea
             3 large handfuls roasted/salted peanuts (jeez, I'm so overeating these and feeling like a stuffed pig)
3:30 pm glass of decaf iced tea
7:30 pm glass of decaf iced tea
             peach (mealy, blah - I want a roadside peach that melts in my mouth and is so sweet it's intoxicating)
10:00 pm handful roasted/salted peanuts (end of the bag, don't buy again, Michelle)
               1 hard-boiled farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed egg, "natural" sea salt, pepper 
               glass of decaf iced tea (lots of tea today, getting myself away from water, and that's not good, will try to work on)

Exercise: None. (this is becoming sad, maybe this week after work I'll make an effort to get out and exercise)

July 6, 2004, Tuesday (Day 187) I Caved, But It Turned Out to Be a Good Thing

Had a really really tough day today. Seems to be the norm lately, huh? Anyway, didn't go to work, felt like hell. When I did go out today, I went to my friend James' house and picked up a Champion juicer - I don't know if he's loaning it to me or giving it to me, but it's brand new, never been opened or used! I'm very excited about that - it's good to have good friends!

After I left James' house, I drove and explored my feelings of cooked crap cravings that I was having so very badly. My terrible day and the toll that the last 3 weeks have had on me emotionally really showed through, when I pulled into the McDonald's drive through to buy a Big Mac. I pulled behind the car in line and immediately pulled out and drove out of the parking lot, changing my mind. Not 2 seconds after pulling out of McDonald's drive through, I saw Sonic and pulled in there. I pulled into a drive in stall and looked at the menu. I knew I wanted a hamburger and fries, but was really "dreaming" of Wendy's. I decided to order - I hit the button and placed an order for a hamburger deal - a number one with onion rings instead of fries and an iced tea (caffeinated) - I placed an order!!!! I was in a drive through ordering a burger for the first time in 6 months. I sat in the car feeling exactly like a criminal - I felt like, "What the hell am I doing? I'm breaking the law - my law - the law of raw foodism, the law of I'll eat some cooked, but not crap cooked!" I started to panic, I looked around and felt so scared - I was doing the very thing I've worked so hard to avoid. Just moments before they came out with the food, I did something I can't believe I did. I pulled out and drove off. I felt so bad for the car hop who probably thought it was all a joke when she came out to the empty parking space, but I realized I don't want to eat meat. Even if I do want to eat crap cooked, I don't want meat. I was driving like a crazy woman, not knowing who I was or what I was doing. I wanted to go to a CoDA meeting (Codependents Anonymous) tonight, and didn't have time to go home before hand. I decided I'd head toward that direction and if I decided to stop and eat some crap cooked, I would allow it, embrace it, and be done with it. I knew I was not going to let go of this craving that had been "eating" at me all weekend, especially today. I finally made the decision to take myself to Maria's Mexican Restaurant, one of my absolute favorites when I was cooked. I felt much better about this decision and decided I would go in by myself, and enjoy a good meal without the social aspect of eating with a group, and just get it out of my system. Without going into the gory details of my dinner, I ate it, enjoyed it, and am finally ready to move past this painful struggle of wanting a crap cooked meal. Therefore, I caved, but it turned out to be a good thing. Yea me! (Sorry to all those hoping I'd go forever without a crap cooked meal, it's a journey remember?) By the way, the CoDA meeting itself wasn't great, but what I got out of the readings that we read have helped me in my resolve to take care of myself and be present in the now, accept what's going on and let go of all expectations on myself. I will be ok. 

Something else I wanted to mention - Catherine, one of the journalers, emailed me today and suggested that I get some body work done for my "out of touch with my body" issue. Granted I haven't had a massage in over a year and could stand to have some work done; however money is definitely an issue. Catherine suggested I check into a local massage school, so without procrastinating as I might normally do, I gave the only one in Northwest Arkansas a call. It just so happens they are going to start taking new appointments on July 15th, so I have it on my calendar to call first thing on the 15th. Thank you Catherine, fabulous idea!


Food Intake:
10:45 am Mexi-Chips with Rawcamole and Rawlsa
               6 oz water
12:00 pm salad: romaine, carrots, celery, cucumbers, radish, green pepper, green onion, walnuts, raisins, pepper, Ken's Country French dressing
               glass of decaf iced tea
               1 hard-boiled farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed egg, "natural" sea salt, pepper 
3:00 pm gala apple (ugh, I like fuji so much better)
5:30 pm CRAP COOKED: 1 basket of tortilla chips, salsa, 2/3 small bowl yellow queso, 3 flour tortillas, chile relleno with cheese sauce, lettuce, tomato
             glass of restaurant caffeinated tea
9:30 pm 1/4 bowl raw chocolate "ice cream" except for a little peanut butter added to it (turned out too gloopy, so didn't eat much of it)
             glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: None.

July 7, 2004, Wednesday (Day 188) A Really Easy, Yummy Dessert!

I'm having my first Raw potluck at my house on July 17th. Anyone in the area, email me and I'll send you info. Would love to have you join the Raw Ozarks group for a fun meal. I'll be giving a demonstration on how to make Mexi-Chips using the food processor and Dehydrator (I'll have some already made cause I'm making Rawchos for my contribution to the potluck.) I'm looking forward to having a get together here, it'll be good for me. 

Today a colleague came in from out of town and she and I and my in-town colleague went to Brioso Brazil, my favorite restaurant, for lunch. I overate as usual - something about a salad bar, in a restaurant, that I just can't help myself. 

I tried the Champion juicer for the first time tonight. I have to admit after using the Samson for the last several months, trying the Champion was a little intimidating. I decided I would try something hopefully very very simple. I took one frozen banana and put in the blank plate (always wondered what the hell that was when I'd hear people talk about it in journals and in online forums) --- and out came the most pure, smooth, silky frozen "yogurt" textured banana soft serve. I thought, ok, now the taste can't possibly be anything special. Wow, was I wrong. That is one damn cool dessert! One ingredient, so easy. Sheesh, now I'm really glad I put out to the universe that I wanted a Champion - awesome! 

Food Intake:
8:00 am 12 oz lemon water with stevia
9:00 am banana
11:45 am Brioso Brazil for lunch: 2 full plates of salad from the salad bar: romaine, leafy greens, celery, carrots, green/red/yellow bell pepper, 5 sweet gherkins, jumbo green olives, black olives, raisins, roasted/salted cashews, cracked pepper, Fat Free Blueberry Poppyseed dressing
              16 oz water
4:00 pm 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
5:45 pm 1 hard-boiled farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed egg, "natural" sea salt, pepper
             1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
6:30 pm 2 celery spears with 2 Tbl peanut butter
7:30 pm plate of Rawchos (Mexi-Chips with Sunflower Refried Beans, Rawcamole, Rawlsa)
             glass of decaf iced tea
9:30 pm frozen banana (run through the Champion with the blank plate) eaten with a spoonful of peanut butter
11:00 pm 1 celery spear with 1 Tbl peanut butter (overdid the peanut butter this evening)

Exercise: None.

July 8, 2004, Thursday (Day 189) Hey, I Ate Pretty Good Today!

I did pretty good today eating-wise!  Aside from some peanut butter and the egg, I ate all raw. Yippee!! I admit I overate on nuts and the Sunflower Refried Beans in the Rawchos, but that is certainly better choices than I've been making. I have to admit that I've been really really really hating my journal entries lately - I feel like the worst kind of raw food site owner - the kind who's not really raw, who's not really being healthy, who's not happy (right now anyway), who's just not much of an inspiration. I've questioned the last few weeks if I should even journal - though it does help ME and that really is supposed to be my focus. Anyway, to all those people who've heard this site is a good place to go if you're new to raw - it IS a good place to go - I'm just having a tough time right now emotionally and it's coming out in my eating and exercise habits. Raw is awesome. I believe in it wholeheartedly. My struggles at this time should in no way reflect the power of the Raw lifestyle.

Food Intake:
8:00 am a couple of sips of water
9:00 am glass of decaf iced tea
             banana
12:45 pm plate of Rawchos with romaine
               1 hard-boiled farm-fresh, brown, cage-free, vegetarian-fed egg, "natural" sea salt, pepper
               2 celery spears with 2 Tbl peanut butter
               glass of decaf iced tea
               5 Brazil nuts
5:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
6:00 - 7:00 pm horrid food combining ahead ---- 
             plate of Rawchos with romaine
             1 Tbl peanut butter
             bowl of banana soft serve with shredded coconut, pecans, cacao beans, carob powder, mesquite powder powder
             glass of decaf iced tea
9:30 pm glass of decaf iced tea
             10 brazil nuts, 1/4 c. raisins

Exercise: Finally! 5 minutes on the rebounder - I was feeling so fat and bloated and disgusting that I had to do something! It was pouring outside so the rebounder was absolutely perfect!
3 more minutes on the rebounder - I felt so much better after I bounced off some of that fat! I've been feeling like a cow, and without exercising, my body is very angry at me! If I can't get my butt outside or to the gym, maybe I can get on the rebounder a little bit every day. I mean, what's 5 or 10 minutes!

July 9, 2004, Friday (Day 190) If I Just Listen to My Body

Woke up with a stomach ache today, like it was super empty. I normally don't eat anything for a few hours after I get up, but on the way to work, I just had to eat a banana to keep from being nauseous. Oh, I've also had some serious gas lately, probably as a result of the roasted peanut butter or poor food combining. Or maybe the Rawlsa and Rawcamole I've been having, who knows. I've also had that horrible feeling that I have to go number 2, even after I just went. And it's not a satisfying number 2, it's the kind that is painful. Ok, way way way too much information, but it's not all roses, ya know. At least I know I'm responsible for it. 

I must be PMSing - have to look back through my June journal to see what I'm supposed to start this month...hang on. June 19th, so this would be right --- PMSing one week before. No wonder I'm eating everything in sight! And I can't stop! My weight has stayed the same since my July 1st weigh-in, which I guess is good and bad...good that I haven't gained, bad that I haven't lost. 

So it's Friday - another end of an emotionally draining week and beginning of hopefully a peaceful, positive weekend. I have no money til payday and no plans for this weekend, so I plan to just do some things around the house, spend time with my puppies and be with myself. 

In between my peanut "binges," I made two different juices with the Champion. I'm having a few problems with cleaning and assembly - it's not as easy (for me) as the Samson, but the more I use it, the easier it gets. I guess I'm used to the non-cutting mechanism --- I'm used to the pressing mechanism, which I don't have to be cautious when cleaning. I will say the juice is smooth and not one bit of pulp, which sometimes with the Samson, wasn't the case. The one weird thing, is the apples don't seem to be as strong of a taste, as it was when I made apple juice with the Samson - wonder why that is. 

Oh something else I forgot to mention - I've noticed on raw that my underarm odor is not nearly as strong, I'm not perspiring as much nor smelling as bad. I'm someone who had serious issues with underarm odor - Boni always said she never noticed at all, but I did! I'd take a shower and within 5 minutes I had B.O. Seriously! I had to wear deodorant the moment I got out of the shower, before bed, then put it on again in the morning - and I use the heavy duty kind! But lately, I've not had to put it on before bed, just in the mornings, when it's starting to stink - isn't that wild!

I also wanted to comment that yesterday was the last egg in the carton, so today I didn't have one. I'm debating what I'll do - I'm now doubling my B12 (1000 mcg) and taking a women's multi-vitamin, so I may not do anything for a while to see if my hair loss is better. I had noticed less hair loss when I first was eating the eggs, but in the last few days, my hair loss has crept up again. Ugh, always something - oh well, I'm starting to just be ok with it, knowing I'm taking vitamins, but want to do my best to eat more salads/greens.

Food Intake:
7:45 am 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
             banana
9:15 am 1 c. almonds, 1/4 c. raisins
             1/2 glass decaf iced tea
1:00 pm skillet potatoes: 3 small potatoes, salsa, green pepper, red onion, cold-pressed olive oil, water drizzled with Ken's Country French dressing
             glass of decaf iced tea
             1 tsp. peanut butter
3:00 pm 1 c. almonds (ugh, too many nuts already, eating obsessively today)
             glass of decaf iced tea
5:00 pm 2 large handfuls in-shell roasted/salted peanuts
             1/2 glass decaf iced tea            
             juice of 2 Fuji apples (really digging this Champion!)
7:00 pm 1 large handful in-shell roasted/salted peanuts (no maam!!! I feel sick, but can't seem to stop myself!) 
8:20pm juice of 2 navel oranges, 4 baby carrots, 1 celery spear (I'm slowly going to try to be adventurous with juicing veggies, slowly! - this concoction sort of tastes like Tang, remember Tang?)

Exercise: 1/4 mile walk with the pups (down to the bottom of my hill and back up)

July 10, 2004, Saturday (Day 191) Exercise DOES Help

The first half of the day was like every other day lately - sad, depressing, pathetic. I ate crap, felt like crap, did nothing but mope around, trying to rearrange my house in hopes of distracting myself. Then I decided to get outside, work on some of the plant and weed stuff that needed to be done outside. That sorta led into more sweaty work outside and then I realized I was feeling better. Being active helped! Then later this evening, I decided to take the dogs to the Tanyard Creek hike trail. That felt even better! I realized very clearly tonight that when I'm sedentary, my depression is stronger; when I'm physically active, I feel more emotionally stable and healthy, able to function and have hope. I also know that the roasted peanuts are really really affecting my eating choices the rest of the day. I had a couple of handfuls left and threw them away, cause it's just really screwing me up. Once I did that, then I made a healthy choice and had salad for dinner. All of these realizations are good, I just need to be focused enough to put them into action. How strange that this morning I was sooooo upset, and tonight I'm feeling ok. There's a lot of communication that Boni and I have had lately, which I have not written about. I'm also not talking with anyone about the feelings I have, the issues I'm struggling with, the emotions that feel bigger-than-life. I'm concerned that I'm not having a healthy outlet for all of this, but I'm still not at a place where I want to talk or hang out with people. This is soooo opposite of the way I would have grieved in years past. I wonder if my raw lifestyle has affected the way I deal with the rest of my life. Over the years, I've gradually eliminated the vices that sustained me through breakups and other tough times. Now that I don't have a vice, I feel so alone and scared - still have to work through this in order to be truly healthy. 

Food Intake:
9:00 am juice of 2 small Fuji apples, 1 navel orange
10:45 am plate of Rawchos with romaine
               glass of decaf iced tea
               handful in-shell roasted/salted peanuts
1:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
2:30 pm glass of decaf iced tea
             handful in-shell roasted/salted peanuts
4:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
             handful in-shell roasted/salted peanuts (must finish these and stop buying!!!)
9:45 pm medium salad: romaine, carrots, celery, radish, garden-fresh cherry tomato, 2 Raw Power olives, 1 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
             glass of decaf iced tea
             1 Tbl peanut butter on 1 celery spear

Exercise: Some gardening, pulling weeds, tree trimming, planting; cleaning; rearranging dining room table, baker stand, bookcase
               1 hour hike with the dogs at Tanyard Creek - it was good to sweat again, even if it was cause it was humid

July 11, 2004, Sunday (Day 192) I'm Still on My Raw Journey

Forgot to mention that I found out the other day that frozen veggies are not raw. I had figured they were, but learned they have been blanched prior to freezing. I'm wondering though if blanching is ok, since so many raw food chefs blanch almonds to get the skins off and the hot water is momentary. Not sure though.

God, this afternoon I found myself on the Home Shopping Network (have basic 20-channel cable til Tuesday, then going up to Expanded - can't take the lousy local channels I have right now) and have been watching a demonstration of the Deep Flash Fryer - jeez, that was NOT a smart infomercial to tune in to. Chicken fried chicken, cheese sticks, tater tots, jalepeno poppers, argh - all the crap cooked I loved when I was SAD. I could have changed the channel many times, well turned it off rather, cause nothing else is on, but for some pathetic reason, I kept watching. I'm fighting some huge cravings today - emotional reasons in addition to PMS, I'm sure. 

FYI next Friday night, 48 Hours Investigates will have supermodel Carol Alt on talking about the raw food diet. I'm gonna be sure to watch it.

So I've been off the eggs for several days, and taking vitamins, and have noticed my hair loss is improving. Who knows what it is/was that I have a deficiency in, but if the two vitamins I'm taking help, wonderful! I feel good having had two salads today, even with the French dressing I'm choosing to use. For me, it's gonna be whatever it takes to get those salads in my body. 

Saw Boni for most of the morning, as we had some moving of items and a few joint errands to handle. As usual when I see her, I had a few emotional times and struggled for much of the afternoon. But again, after my walk tonight, I felt better about life. Being outside, with the dogs, moving my body really really gives me a sense of hope. It's so bizarre how that helps, and sometimes I really don't want to get up off the couch and drive down to the park, put their harnesses and leashes on them, spray us all with mosquito spray (the skeeters are killing me right now!!!!), and get on the trail. But boy, once I'm there, it changes my whole outlook. It's one hour out of my day, and if I can keep myself doing this, I know I'll stay on the track to an emotionally AND physically healthier me.

I noticed that my cravings seriously subsided after having my second salad today. Very good, Michelle! I didn't even end up eating a thing after 5:30 pm which is HIGHLY unusual for the nighttime cooked-craver that I am.

Food Intake:
9:00 am 4 oz water
9:45 am peach
10:30 am skillet potatoes: 2 small potatoes, 2 green onions, cold-pressed olive oil, water, pepper, "natural" sea salt topped with Rawlsa
               glass of decaf iced tea
11:00 am 5 brazil nuts
12:00 pm orange
1:45 pm salad: romaine, banana pepper, zucchini, cucumber, red onion, garden-fresh tomato, Raw Greek Olives, almonds, 1 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
             glass of decaf iced tea
2:30 pm bowl of banana soft serve: 2 frozen bananas, pecans, mesquite powder powder, vanilla extract, 1 Tbl peanut butter
             glass of decaf iced tea
5:30 pm large salad: romaine, celery, garden-fresh tomatoes, garden-fresh green pepper, carrots, raisins, walnuts, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
             glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: 45 minute walk with the pups at Tanyard Creek, probably about a mile because I was doing some dog obedience work with them

July 12, 2004, Monday (Day 193) Salads GOOD, Potatoes NOT SO GOOD

I was absolutely fricken starving by 11:00 am this morning and am swamped at work, so wasn't going to leave right away. I had a horrible apple, am out of bananas and decided to have a packet of the commercial granola bars we have in the kitchen here at my office. I feel better now, but damn, I could eat 10 of those without even blinking. I kinda feel bad that I feel "better now" after eating a crap cooked snack, but I could not focus on work, and really really need to today. I'm just craving sooooo badly right now (now in the sense of the last few days, not just this very moment) - I know I have to be PMSing. These cravings often coincide with that time of the month. Come on, let's get the dang thing over with.

I'm really really really digging my salads lately. It's the dressing. I don't even care that it's cooked, it's making me eat salads! The dressing reminds me of the Polynesian sauce that I used to gorge on at Chick-Fil-A with those damn addictive waffle fries and chicken sandwiches with extra pickles (oh, sorry, think I loved my SAD food?).

Later...Oh my gosh, I had been having a pretty good day today, feeling pretty positive about life and such. Then this evening when I got home from work, I made some skillet potatoes. Now, normally I wouldn't feel terribly bad about this, as it's sort of my comfort food lately. However, tonight after I ate 1 1/2 of the potatoes, I just got up from the kitchen table and made the other 1 1/2 potatoes, and proceeded to gobble them up. As soon as I was done, I regretted it. Not so much emotionally, though I did feel a little angry at myself for eating when I was already full, but physically. There was a lead ball in my gut, seriously! I grabbed the dogs and hauled my ass down to the hike trail to quickly walk off as much as I could. It was a painful walk - my stomach was just heavy and tight. I wasn't feeling nauseous or anything like that, it was just super duper full. I mean I ate 3 medium potatoes and peas and corn!!!! That was a binge, and I was on the phone with my folks, so it was almost as if I wasn't even paying attention to eating. Big mistake. Letting go of the resentment about it, but really really want to notice that I ate even AFTER I was full. Glad I got out and exercised afterwards. 

Food Intake:
8:00 am 12 oz water
9:00 am orange
10:00 am 1/2 of a large mealy Idared apple (disgusting! I'll use the other two I have for juicing only)
11:00 am 1 packet of Nature's Valley Maple Syrup granola bars (2 bars in packet)
12:30 pm large salad: romaine, celery, carrots, raisins, walnuts, garden-fresh green pepper, garden-fresh tomatoes, cracked pepper, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
               glass of decaf iced tea
               2 Tbl peanut butter
               5 Brazil nuts
3:00 pm 1 c. Brazil nuts (overeating - stressed at work)
             1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
4:00 pm 1/2 c. Brazil nuts
             1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
6:15 pm juice of 3 plums, 8 bing cherries, 1 large Idared apple, 1 orange (yum! now that's a juice!)
7:30 pm skillet potatoes: 3 medium potatoes, 1 c. frozen corn, 1 c. frozen peas, red onion, green onion, "natural" sea salt, pepper, olive oil, water
              glass of decaf iced tea
10:30 pm glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: 30 minute walk with the dogs at Tanyard Creek, about 3/4 mile I guess

July 13, 2004, Tuesday (Day 194) Cayenne Pepper - Ouch!!!

Tonight when I got home from work, I watered and picked peppers and tomatoes from the back yard. There were lots of cayenne peppers ready, so I picked a bunch and decided to dry them in the dehydrator to crush up in to spice. Well, I should have called Boni first and asked how to do it, cause I figured I was supposed to slice it open, remove the seeds and then dry it. Lord was I wrong!!! I first started to cough just a bit as I washed the seeds down the drain, then I started choking. I tried to ignore it and kept slicing, removing the seeds, cleaning my hands and moving on to the next, ensuring I didn't touch my face or eyes with my hands. Well before I knew it, my eyes were burning and crying, my nose was burning and mucous was streaming out of both nostrils, my lips were burning, my tongue was numb, my head was on fire. I started crying and freaking out, cause I didn't know what to do! I kept rinsing my face and my eyes and my nose, and blowing my nose (which burned every time I blew!), and washing my hands. I called Boni finally after 30 minutes of immense pain and a red, swollen face. She said to take a shower cause the fumes or powder or whatever it is in cayenne was obviously all over my body and I couldn't get away from it. I took a shower, cool water shower, and stayed in there for 15 minutes til I finally started to feel SOME relief. Even now, hours later, if I put my fingers in my mouth or touch my tongue, it starts burning again. I examined my taste buds tonight and the ones near the front of my tongue are absolutely huge and white and bubbly. That was the scariest thing - jalepenos have gotten me before, but nothing like this. I was so upset and felt so scared all alone. I really missed Boni being here tonight - she not only would have known what to do, but it was her "job" to do these pepper things! She was very sweet and helped me through it, but this is one of those times I miss having her as my partner - in life and in raw...

By the way, she told me what I should have done was merely poked a hole in each pepper with a knife and then dried like that - whole. Then crushed it up for spice, seeds and all. Argh, that would have been easier and much less painful!

Food Intake:
7:45 am 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
              banana
12:30 pm 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
               large salad: romaine, radishes, garden-fresh green pepper, garden-fresh tomatoes, carrots, celery, almonds, cashews, raisins, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French Dressing
              2 Tbl peanut butter
3:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
             banana with honey drizzled on it (I'd read several people eat this, but I didn't like it, now if it were bread drizzled with honey, that would be another story entirely!)
5:30 pm large salad: romaine, radishes, garden-fresh green pepper, garden-fresh tomatoes, carrots, celery, walnuts, raisins, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
             16 oz water
7:30 pm skillet potatoes: 1 1/2 medium potatoes, 1 c. frozen corn, 1 c. frozen peas, green pepper, green onion, red onion, "natural" sea salt, pepper, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
             16 oz water

Exercise: None.

July 14, 2004, Wednesday (Day 195) Sometimes Not Journaling Says It All

I've had a really really....really bad day today. Not going to journal cause I don't want to remember this day. Just know it was bad - all the way around. 

July 15, 2004, Thursday (Day 196) Time to Rededicate

Yesterday was a long-time low for me. I refuse to list what I ate, but am here admitting that I ate crap cooked the entire day (with the exception of a fresh-squeezed juice in the morning). Definitely the first major binge I've had since I went raw. I liked what Rachel said (paraphrasing for myself) that one cooked day of crap in 6 months is not the end of the world; but for me it could have been the beginning of a downward spiral. 

I went to bed last night dedicated to making some changes in my life to stop the cycle of somewhat destructive behavior that I've created for myself. I'm leaving on Sunday to go home to Austin for a week. I'll be working in my company's Austin office Monday through Friday during the daytime hours and will spend some time in the evenings with my mom in the hospital (she goes back Monday morning for another surgery to remove more cancer in her stomach - this will reduce the size of her stomach by 50%, obviously changing her life forever). I need to get out of "here" for a while and refocus my life, figure out what I'm "doing," in every sense of the word. (I'm also planning to visit a few friends and maybe visit my old CoDA meeting while I'm there.)

I'm also rededicated to raw. I've been floundering on my journey since Boni and I broke up, more than a month ago, and this struggle has resulted in a domino effect of negative thoughts, feelings and actions. 

Today, I'm doing something I've never done before. I'm doing a juice fast. My attempt will be the whole day (24 hours technically), but I'm allowing myself the freedom to do what feels right, and not punish myself if I end up eating food, as long as it's raw, which means NO skillet potatoes, Michelle. I mean it!  I juiced 7 apples this morning, not having a clue how much I would drink on a juice fast. I figured I'd come home at lunch and juice more, assuming I drink the juice of all 7 apples during the first half of the day. This is an experiment of sorts and I don't expect I'll do it perfectly. 

PS Any raw foodists in Austin want to get together for a meal on Friday night? I'm talking with Michele, another Austin raw foodist, who thought it would be nice to meet. Think this would be a great opportunity to get together with raw foodists that I've met online, but never in person. Email me if you're interested in getting together Friday night. If not, that's ok, I look forward to getting together with Michele (known on one of the raw food forums as "24 Carrots"), with whom I've only chatted online.

So, I was going through my checkbook yesterday and got a glance at my drivers license. Ok, no one likes their drivers license, but check it out (picture above)! This was taken (as you can see on the license) on 6/2/03, 7 months before going raw. THAT my friends is what vegetarian SAD eating will do to ya! Just wanted to remind myself and others of the power of Raw food (look at the license picture compared to my current picture at the top of the page)!! Too bad the license picture didn't ask for my weight, though I'm sure I would have lied about it back then. (Oh yea, my middle name rhymes with my first name, giggle giggle ha ha - blame it on my dad - he got to pick it)...



When I got home from work, I was hungry and ready to eat something. I made it from last night around 8 pm til today at 5:30 pm - not bad for my first juice fast --- maybe next time I try one I'll go a full 24 hours or 36 hours I guess is really what I'd want to go for, since I'd go to bed one night, not eat the next day, go to bed the next night and then wake up to eat? Who knows how it works, anyway - feel good that I did what I did today. I feel much better about myself, like a new start really happened. I had my salad today at 5:30 and had my "cooked" dressing on it - if that's all I have today that's cooked, I feel really really good! 

It is so fricken hot outside - it was 94 degrees here today, which is 10 degrees cooler than what I had been used to in Texas, but jeez, I'm ready for fall weather already. I went over to Boni's sister's house today after dinner to do some laundry and since she's out of town, the a/c in her house is off. Oh my gawd - dyin' here!!  But it felt great to do some chores AND sweat like a mad woman. Today was definitely a better day on my raw journey. 

Food Intake: 
8:00 - 9:30 am large glass of apple juice (1/2 of juice of 7 apples)
9:45 - 11:00 am large glass of apple juice (1/2 of juice of 7 apples) 
12:00 - 12:30 pm large glass of apple/peach/nectarine juice (1/2 of juice of 5 apples, 2 peaches, 1 nectarine)
3:00 - 4:30 pm large glass of apple/peach/nectarine juice (1/2 of juice of 5 apples, 2 peaches, 1 nectarine)
5:30 pm large salad: romaine, celery, carrots, garden-fresh tomatoes, raisins, walnuts, cashews, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
             12 oz water
8:00 pm large peach (a wonderful, juicy, sweet perfect peach - finally they are in season!!!!)
9:30 am large nectarine (another fabulous, perfectly ripe fruit!!!)
             glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: Picking up and cleaning the house, doing laundry (in a house with no a/c), watering plants, pulling weeds, cleaning out the inside of my car in 90 degree heat

July 16, 2004, Friday (Day 197) And Then Sometimes It's Just Hormonal

Oh my gosh - someone hit the nail on the head for me!!! Carla, one of the other journalers, said this in her journal yesterday, "I think that's what is really daft about binges - that they're not deliberate. That when you gorge on cookies and bread because you've been depriving yourself of them and your resolve has finally broken down, you don't really enjoy eating them, because you're just so desperate to cram the stuff into your cakehole!"

I can not even begin to say how this paragraph sums up exactly how it felt when I binged on Wednesday. I kept talking myself in and out of what I really wanted and what I thought I should have and what I craved and what I didn't believe I deserved and so on, that when I finally decided on the crap I'd eat, I shoved it in my mouth so damn fast, that I didn't stop to breathe, smell the food I was eating, savor the flavor, nothing. Thank you Carla, for expressing what I had not been able to. And you gave me a good laugh at the term "cakehole," that's a new one for me! I'm still chuckling at that comment.

So I started my period today - thank God!! I'm kinda thinkin' that just might have had something to do with how bad Wednesday was for me, both emotionally and in the crap-cooked food binge. Glad it's finally here and I can get going to get done!

I squared away plans for each night that I'm in Austin. It'll be good for me to see friends that I haven't seen in more than a year. Hopefully the distance from "things" here will be good for me. If nothing else, I'll be so busy with work during the day, visits with my mom at the hospital and visits with friends at their homes or over dinner, that I won't have much time to be depressed. Not sure if that's a good thing or not, but we'll see. 

Food Intake:
8:00 am 14 oz water
8:45 am fruit salad: 1 banana, 1 large nectarine, 1 pluot (first time trying a pluot, yum!)
10:00 am glass of decaf iced tea
11:15 am banana
12:30 pm medium salad: romaine, celery, carrots, radishes, raisins, cashews, garden-fresh tomatoes, 1 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
               glass of decaf iced tea
1:30 pm milkshake: 1 1/2 frozen bananas, 1 tsp carob powder, 1 tsp mesquite powder, 4 cacao beans, 1 tsp vanilla powder, ice, water, 2 Tbl honey
4:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea
7:15 pm glass of decaf iced tea
8:45 pm large salad: romaine, radishes, carrots, celery, raisins, cashews, 2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing (damn, forgot the tomatoes)
9:00 pm bowl of Basmati Brown Rice with honey and cinnamon (first rice I've had since going raw, a bit too filling, but I enjoyed the taste and didn't feel guilty eating it)
             glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: None.

July 17, 2004, Saturday (Day 198) Life's on Fast Forward Now

Oh it's late and I have to be on a plane at 9:30 in the morning, so I'll make this short and sweet. 

Spent half the day with Boni moving plants around the house and running a few errands. Then I cleaned and got ready for the Raw Ozarks potluck that I was hosting at my house. We ended up having 20-25 people here, which was a much larger turnout than I was expecting for how far out I live and that it's a summer month, which tends to mean less people attending functions like these. It was a lot of fun and great food and people seemed to have a really nice time. I did a demonstration on how to make Rawlsa and Mexi Chips. Then we had a soft serve banana ice cream dessert with toppings later on. It reminded me of being a kid and going to an ice cream party!

Well I'm off to Austin in the morning for a week, which means my journal entries could be sporadic. My plan is to journal and upload at my folk's house in the evenings, though they have dial up and it's been a zillion years since I've used dial up and not sure how that will work. May have to upload in the office each day I'm there. We'll see. Anyway, my goal is to try to relax, be gentle with myself, breathe, and eat as healthy as possible in each social situation I find myself in. This should be an interesting trip, to say the least. (I'll upload the other journaler's journals as I'll be doing mine.)

Food Intake:
9:00 am large peach
9:30 am glass of decaf iced tea
12:00 pm medium salad: romaine, carrots, celery, radishes, garden-fresh green pepper, garden-fresh tomatoes (red, yellow, orange), raisins, 1 1/2 Tbl Ken's Country French dressing
              16 oz water
1:30 pm glass of decaf iced tea
3:00 pm large peach
             20 bing cherries
6:00 pm plate of food at Raw Ozarks potluck: Raw Chili, Rawchos, salad, tabouleh
             8 oz water
8:00 pm 1/2 bowl banana soft serve ice cream with gRAWnola topping
10:00 pm glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: Sweating like a pig and moving plants around the house to make room for cars at the potluck. Cleaning, picking up and packing. 

July 18, 2004, Sunday (Day 199) Traveling on Raw

I juiced some fruit this morning, as I figured there would be very limited choices while in the airports, and I was right. 

On the first flight from Bentonville to Dallas/Fort Worth, I realized it was the first flight I've taken since going raw. I was so excited to be able to not have to ask for a seatbelt extension for the first time in years. My arm still stuck out into the aisle, getting knocked by the flight attendants each time they passed, but being able to buckle the seatbelt without an extender was definitely a benchmark in my weight loss. Woohoo!! The other neat thing was the lap tray actually set nicely in front of my belly, instead of how it used to sit, on top of my "two bellies."

A snack and soda were offered on the flight, and though I was already hungry, and my stomach was growling, I declined, asking instead for a cup of ice to add my decaf iced tea to. I watched as my SAD neighbors snacked on the Cheddar Snack Mix, and though I could smell it, I reminded myself that those non-nutritional calories are not what my body needs. 

In Dallas, I had about 40 minutes til my flight so I decided to go to Friday's for a salad, knowing it would be after 1:30 before I would get to eat. I sat down, figuring 40 minutes was plenty of time to order a plain ole' salad, no appetizers, entree, bread or anything requiring any amount of time. Jeez, was I wrong. I asked for a cup of ice for my decaf iced tea that I had in my sports bottle. Ordered a large house salad, "no cheese, bacon or croutons, please, honey mustard on the side." 20 minutes later, I flagged the waitress down and asked her to make it to go, expressing my discontent over a 20-minute wait to get a lousy house salad. By the time she finally brought me a bag to go, I had 5 minutes to get to the gate, which actually was only few gates down. I looked in at the salad and nearly threw a fit at the fricken head of iceberg lettuce chopped up with 5 grape tomatoes. That's the best a restaurant can do for a house salad, minus the crap? I mean, how bout a cucumber, a green pepper, a carrot? I paid $7.00 for a head of lettuce, what a waste - but I had no time to get pissy, I had to get to the plane. I scarfed my salad in my airplane seat just before we took off. I was so hungry, I ate most of it, dipping the leaves into the honey mustard, which was pretty darn good. 

Once in my rental car in Austin, I went to Robin and Danielle's house, some friends of Boni and mine. I visited for a few hours then went to my parents' house to put my stuff down and obviously see them. I visited for an hour or so and then headed back down to South Austin to visit the neighbors who live across from where Boni and I used to live. Spent an hour or so with Peggy and then went across the street to visit Tyler, Jim and Laurie. 

On the way home, I picked up dinner for my dad and meI at Outback Steakhouse. I got him the standard steak, mashed potatoes, salad and bread, while I got steamed veggies, a plain baked potato and a salad, "hold the croutons and cheese please." Got home and dug in, I was fricken starving by then - I'm not used to going so long between eating! I was a little pissed cause they left the cheese ON the salad and I had to pick it all off, shredded piece by piece. And I hated the Mustard Vinaigrette dressing I got, but other than that, the dinner was delicious, just more food than I normally would shove into my "cakehole" at once (sorry, just love that word now, can't stop using it!). 

After dinner, I took myself up to H.E.B., the grocery store, and loaded up a cart full of fresh fruits: donut peaches, regular peaches, white flesh nectarines, mango nectarines, a pineapple, a mature coconut, huge California figs, a 1.25 pound orange, organic bananas, and pears. Then I went to the cake mix aisle and got a bag of almonds, a bag of pecans and a bag of walnuts, all non-roasted/non-salted. I also got a box of golden raisins. Was really excited to have all this produce to live off of in the mornings on my way to the office. 

I snacked on some of the fruit and nuts before settling in for the evening. It's now 11:30 am and I'm exhausted. Gonna upload the other journaler's posts and hit the hay. It's gonna be a long, tiring week, I can already tell. 

My mom's surgery is in the morning, but I'll be at work until 6:00 and then will hopefully get to go by to see her in recovery. 

Food Intake:
7:45 am juice of 4 apples, 2 large nectarines, 1 large peach
10:45 am glass of decaf iced tea (brought with me in a sports bottle)
12:00 pm large salad: iceberg, 5 grape tomatoes, 3 Tbl Honey Mustard dressing
               glass of decaf iced tea
2:00 pm 4 oz water
6:00 pm 8 oz water
8:30 pm Outback Steakhouse: 1 c. steamed veggies, plain baked potato with chives, medium salad with romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, 2 Tbl Mustard Vinaigrette
             8 oz water
10:00 pm donut peach (first one ever)
               1 California fig
               handful pecans, almonds, walnuts, golden raisins
               1 Tbl mature coconut meat                
               6 oz water

Exercise: Airport walkin' 

July 19, 2004, Monday (Day 200) "Do Not Be In Such a Hurry To Move On"

I worked from 9-6 today, stopping to have lunch by myself at Souper Salads, a soup and salad bar place that I've missed since being gone. After work, I drove down to see my friend Rob at the firestation where he's a fire fighter. He said if he wasn't there, they were out on a call, which was, sure enough, the case. Since he wasn't there, I headed back up north to see my friend Michelle and her mom. On the way I stopped and had dinner at Jason's Deli, another of my all-time faves. I ate raw and cooked at both lunch and dinner today, but made very healthy choices in my cooked portions. I feel good about how I'm eating so far on this trip. I'm also enjoying eating by myself, which is huge for me! It's really showing me that social eating is slowly being replaced with...with I don't know what...something...alone, quality time by myself maybe?

I read my Language of Letting Go book tonight and the message I read was a good one for me to hear. "Do not be in such a hurry to move on," it said. I need to feel my feelings and just be where I'm at right now. I so badly wanted to come back home today, after realizing that Austin just isn't where my heart is. I had lots of emotions come up that easily could have sent me straight to a burger and fries binge, but I didn't cave. I just tried to feel my feelings and be ok with where I am at this stage in my life. I think I'm going through the big, "What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? What's my next step? Who am I?" I'm struggling in so many areas of my life at the moment, that I'm just not sure which part I get the most depressed and anxious about. 

Food Intake:
7:45 am banana, pear, donut peach, mango nectarine (first one ever), nectarine, bite of a yucky peach, small handful golden raisins
              8 oz water
10:00 am 1 1/2 c. trail mix: walnuts, pecans, almonds, golden raisins
               water
12:00 pm Souper Salad: 1 plate of salad: romaine, celery, peas, tomatoes, radishes, green olives, black olives, raisins, sunflower seeds, Honey Mustard dressing
               2 lettuce wraps: 2 iceberg lettuce leaves with a scoop of cooked veggies and a dash of stir fry sauce
3:00 pm massive orange (1.25 pounds, seriously, biggest orange I've ever seen, but it was kinda dry and boring)
7:00 pm Jason's Deli: 1 large plate of salad: romaine, leafy greens, hard boiled egg, jumbo green olives, black olives, raisins, sunflower seeds, almonds, walnuts, pepitas, cherry tomato, corn relish, Honey Mustard
              bowl of Vegetarian Vegetable soup (ate around the pasta pieces)
              another plate of salad, minus the egg (felt way too full after this, didn't need it)
              water
11:00 pm water

Exercise: Other than the fact that I don't know if I'm coming or going? None.....

July 20, 2004, Tuesday (Day 201) A Raw Foodist By Any Other Name....

I worked from 9-6 again today, stopping to meet my friends Rob and Maranda down South at Magnolia Cafe. It was so loud in there, I guess I'm really used to small town Bella Vista, where things are at a quieter, slower pace. I wasn't pleased with my meal, but then again, I used to dive into their famous pancakes, chips, salsa, and crap cooked things like that. I ate most of it and was full, so that was good enough. It was great to reconnect with my old friends, and Rob ended up coming back to my office to do some freelance graphic design work for me.

After work, I ran to Whole Foods, and picked up a few things Boni asked me to get her while I was here. While I was there, I also decided to buy my mother a month supply of liquid vitamins/minerals, since they did a "sub total" on her stomach yesterday when they went in to remove the rest of the cancer. She now has very very little of her stomach left and basically had a total gastric bypass. Because of this, she will obviously be on a liquid diet for a long time, then have to completely change her diet. The first thing is to ensure she doesn't get malnourished, as Boni had done when she had her gastric bypass surgery. The liquid vitamins was Boni's recommendation and I know my mother (and father) - they would not spend the money on them, so I did. I really really really hope that I can be a positive influence on some radical changes to their diet. My dad actually agreed to wean from his 5 cups of caffeinated coffee per day to decaf. He wanted to do it cold turkey, and I expressed to him the hazards of quitting caffeine that suddenly. He agreed to get some decaf coffee and start doing "half and half" for about a week and then wean down to being completely decaf (he'll never give up coffee entirely, as my mother will have to do). It's been interesting to watch myself giving them way too much advice, trying to change people who have been eating this way for 60 years. I really need to watch myself, as I know how I feel when people give me advice or tell me what to do. 

I spent an hour or so here with her and my Dad, then my brother came up and my Dad left. I decided with my brother here, it would be a good time to go to get me something to eat. I went to Souper Salads and had a bit of a rushed meal (they were closing at 9:00 pm), but pretty good none-the-less. I didn't care for the Honey Mustard at this Souper Salads. The one I ate at on Monday was much better! It's now 11:59 pm and I'm still sitting up here with my Mom. Every 15-20 minutes, she'll ask me for an ice chip or one of those lemon mouth swabs or to get the nurse for some nausea meds for her intravenous tube. As quiet and non-intrusive as my mother is, I'm sure she'd suffer through the night if she didn't have me here to ask - she just doesn't seem to want to "bother" the nurses - I'm teaching her to talk back to them and tell them when they are hurting her. She's too nice sometimes and it makes me sad to see her in pain. 

So on to my entry title for today - As I pay attention to what I eat each day, I think more and more that I'm not really a Raw Foodist, I'm more of a Health or Natural Foodist, focusing on making healthy eating choices, whether that be cooked or raw. Who knows where I might "end up," but for now, I'm so pleased that the things I've been choosing feel so good emotionally and physically. I'm not having any guilt over the cooked choices I'm making, rather I feel empowered at the strength I have to eat steamed veggies, veggie soups and such, instead of crap cooked such as breads, pastas, fried and other processed foods. Emotionally, I may still be a mess, but I feel nutritionally I'm on the right track. I'm sticking with my "From SAD to RAW" motto, as that is what has gotten me to a place of health, or rather gotten me on my path to health.

One other thing I'd like to write down is that being here has really opened my eyes to the fact that the business world isn't really where I envision myself in life. I think being in this big town again has helped me see that a slower, quieter, less "business" life is what I crave. Raw has changed so many aspects of my life, it wouldn't surprise me if soon I need to step onto a new career path as well. Financially this could be a problem, of course! But I'm going to send open-minded thoughts out to the universe to help lead me where I'm supposed to go. 

Food Intake:
7:45 am 2 donut peaches
             lemon water
9:30 am 1 1/2 c. trail mix: walnuts, pecans, almonds, golden raisins 
11:20 am bite of a yucky peach
               yummy nectarine
12:00 pm Magnolia Cafe: glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice
               steamed veggies, minus the butter, pepper (broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, squash, zucchini - didn't touch the spinach, ick)
               small salad: romaine, tomato, cucumber, bit of sprouts, vinaigrette
               water
3:00 pm Mango nectarine (not sure if I like those or not)
8:30 pm Souper Salads: 1 large salad: romaine, cucumber, tomato, peas, green pepper, green olives, black olives, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, raisins, Fat Free French dressing
             3 small bowls of broth and veggies in Vegetarian Minestrone - picked through pasta and didn't eat that part
             another large salad: romaine, tomato, peas, green pepper, green olives, black olives, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, raisins, Honey Mustard dressing
             water with lemon
10:00 pm water
1:00 am glass of hot decaf tea (ended up spending the night at the hospital with Mom)

Exercise: Other than the hamster wheel I feel I'm on? None....but I'm putting a lot of miles on the rental car.

July 21, 2004, Wednesday (Day 202) Emotional Day, But Still a Healthy One

I ended up staying at the hospital overnight last night. My mom is just too reserved to ask the nurses for things like ice chips, foot and leg lotion massages, warm washcloth facials and such. I'm glad I was there, though I was exhausted this morning from the up and down of it all and trying to get comfortable in a hospital chair. I went home at 7:00 am this morning to take a quick shower and head back down South to my office. On the way, I stopped at Whole Foods to get a juice. I decided that for a healthy way to try to wake up, I'd have a 1 oz shot of wheatgrass juice. I also ordered a 24 oz citrus juice that I swigged after I swallowed the wheatgrass juice. This is a major step for me to voluntarily order a wheatgrass juice! Of course I don't LIKE it, but if I take a swig of a juice afterwards, it's fine. 

I worked from 9-6, stopping at lunch to go see my Mom again in the hospital, run by Whole Foods to get another shot of wheatgrass and a 32 oz citrus juice to have for lunch. I had overeaten nuts before leaving for lunch, so the juice was all my body needed. 

After work today, I went to Magnolia Cafe and met my friend, Angie, for dinner. I had a nice time, but realized that I really am depressed and confused and just don't know what I'm doing anymore (just in general, relationship-wise, work-wise, life-wise). I had an emotional night up here at the hospital (after I left dinner with Angie I came to the hospital and spent the evening til after 12:00 am). I've been crying and just want to go home (to Arkansas) and sleep in my own bed (well futon, but you know what I mean), snuggle my puppies and just be. This depression has hung on for a while now and I'm not sure I'm ready to pull myself out. At least I'm eating pretty darn healthy, considering.

I forgot to mention that I read Raw Family on the plane from Bentonville to Dallas. Aside from the message that you must be 100% to attain true health, I liked everything I read. Easy easy read, that's for sure! I like how small the book was - I've loaned it to my father to read this week while I'm here. He already hated the 100% message too, which I figured he would. I told him to take what he needs and leave the rest (as they say in 12 step recovery). 

Food Intake:
7:45 am donut peach
             lemon water
9:00 am Whole Foods: 1 oz wheatgrass juice
            24 oz Vibrant C Blend Juice (orange juice, pineapple juice, banana, ice, Vitamin C)
11:00 am 2 c. trail mix (cashews, almonds, walnuts, raisins) - way too much nuts, felt sick
1:30 pm Whole Foods: 1 oz wheatgrass juice
             32 oz Vibrant C Blend Juice (orange juice, pineapple juice, banana, ice, Vitamin C)
6:30 pm Magnolia Cafe: sip of decaf Hibiscus iced tea (ick)
              medium glass of natural apple juice
              large salad: romaine, green pepper, tomatoes, avocado, black olives, Russian dressing (like Thousand Island)
              baked potato, steamed veggies on top (broccoli, mushrooms, squash, zucchini)
              12 oz water

Exercise: None.

July 22, 2004, Thursday (Day 203) Ready to Come Home, But Trying to Stay in the Present

Yesterday my mom's blood pressure went up again and a specialist was called in. They ended up giving her two blood transfusions, one in the morning yesterday and one while I was here last night. That makes me nervous, but they do what they have to do to take care of her. I've been so tired in the evenings and can't wait to get back to a normal nightly routine. Is it Saturday yet? I will miss her, but I miss my life too. 

I worked 9-5 today (going in tomorrow at 8 am). I must have needed sleep pretty badly last night cause even though I swear I set my cell phone alarm for 7 am, I only woke to my Dad asking if I needed to get up (at 8 am). I showered quickly and went to Whole Foods to start my day again with wheatgrass and the citrus juice. I get so full on that juice, but still find myself snacking along with my colleague on nuts. I wish I didn't do that, cause I'm not even hungry, it's just there. 

I took a late lunch and went to visit my mother at the hospital. My grandpa and step grandma came in this morning from Arlington (TX) and were there visiting with her when I arrived. I stayed longer than I really should have, checking on her and then went to Whole Foods to pick up a salad at their salad bar, and another juice (bad food combining but I didn't care). After work today, I drove South to Cindy and Christy's, friends of Boni and mine. We went to West Lynn Cafe, a fancy vegetarian restaurant downtown. I was impressed by their selection of veggie stir fry dishes, but ended up getting soup, salad and steamed veggies. Was only impressed with the soup, but the company was wonderful. It's so nice to be around emotionally and relationally healthy people. It was good to talk about how I'm doing, dealing with the breakup. I'm feeling like I'm being much more accepting and positive about things, focusing on letting go and accepting my present circumstances. 

After I met with them, I went to Whole Foods again. I wasn't so happy with dinner, so I wanted to get a juice. I also decided to get a shot of wheatgrass, even though I realized it was late - I knew I'd be up at the hospital late again and was already so exhausted. I can't stand the idea of my mom being alone in the hospital. I have to admit the wheatgrass juice or the citrus or something did a number on my tummy, and I'm fighting some bad gas right now. 

So I'm really really wanting to go home. I even considered taking an earlier flight and leaving tomorrow evening or early Saturday morning, but have decided that I'm supposed to be here and rushing the journey is not in my best interest. Being present is important, but I think being present in the present is what I need to focus on. There's nothing that I need to rush to or from right now.

Food Intake:
9:00 am Whole Foods: 1 oz wheatgrass juice
              32 oz Vibrant C Blend Juice (orange juice, pineapple juice, banana, ice, Vitamin C)
10:00 am 1 1/2 c. mixed nuts (ugh, shouldn't have eaten nuts til this afternoon)
2:00 pm Whole Foods: monster-size organic salad: mixed greens, celery, carrots, zucchini, green pepper, red pepper, 1 hard-boiled egg, peas, sunflower seeds, mushrooms, sunflower sprouts, pecans, brazil nuts, Creamy Feta Cheese dressing and Light Ranch dressing
              24 oz orange juice
4:00 pm 1 c. mixed nuts (ugh, again, didn't need so many nuts today, was just eating to eat)
6:30 pm West Lynn Cafe: Vegan tortilla soup (picked out the tortilla chips)
             picked through a small side salad: romaine, tomatoes, carrots, sesame ginger dressing
             steamed veggies: broccoli, carrots, butternut squash (it was just ok)
             water
             decaf hot almond sunset tea with honey
9:30 pm 1 oz wheatgrass juice
             24 oz Vibrant C Blend Juice (orange juice, pineapple juice, banana, ice, Vitamin C)

Exercise: None.

July 23, 2004, Friday (Day 204) Tried My First Durian

Thank God it's Friday! Worked 8-6 today. Went by Whole Foods on the way to work, but they don't open til 9 am. Ok, have to rant - why would Jamba Juice not open til 9 am? What good does that do the millions of people who have to be to work at 8 am? I wanted my wheatgrass juice and the Vibrant C. That's not so strange for a morning meal, but I had to bypass that breakfast desire this morning.

I had a late lunch as I was super swamped at work. I ran over to Tina's Deli in the same business park as our office and was pleasantly surprised to see so many vegetarian options. I chose soup and salad and it was delicious, even though I had to scarf it down as I was going into a conference call. 

After work, I hurried down South to meet Michele Deradune (pictured below), another raw foodist I had met on the www.rawfoodsupport.com message forum (she's known as 24 Carrots). We met at El Sol Y La Luna on South Congress for dinner, where we shared some sides of guacamole, pico de gallo and salsa. I wanted fresh squeezed juice, but they were out. We each ordered a salad and enjoyed talking for a while, before we headed to her house for me to try my very first Durian, ever. I was nervous - I had seen them online and in the local Asian market here, but had never gotten up the nerve to spend the money on something I might hate. She had already opened and eaten half of the durian, so she showed me how it looks before you split the half in half. Pictures are below...I hesitantly tried it and was surprised that I didn't hate it. It was strange, that's for sure, but I kinda liked it. And the more I ate of it, the more comfortable I got with it. I'd definitely try it again. Whew, glad I didn't have to list it as a "I hate" food!



I went by the hospital to see my mom, after leaving Michele's house. I visited with her briefly and then went home to do some laundry before I had to pack everything up. I spent some time showing my Grandpa and step-Grandma my website - the raw-in-progress pictures and the recipes, and talking about raw foodism, health foodism, etc. My dad listened too. He's being pretty open to changing his eating, though he did have a burger for dinner - 2nd one this week, according to my mom...progress not perfection. 

I crashed at about 11:30. I was really surprised that Saturday was already almost there and I'd be leaving the next afternoon. Interesting how it was strange to leave Arkansas and now it's somewhat strange to go home. 

Food Intake:
7:30 am large nectarine (before getting on the road)
9:00 am banana
             1 c. mixed nuts
9:30 am cup of decaf hot tea, 1 drop Stevia
11:00 am 1 c. mixed nuts
2:15 pm: Tina's Deli: bowl vegetarian soup (yum!)
              small salad: iceberg, sprouts, tomato, green pepper, carrot, honey mustard dressing
              16 oz water
7:00 pm: El Sol Y La Luna: guacamole, pico de gallo, salsa, Ensalada del Sol (romaine, mushrooms, carrots, tomatoes, black olives, honey mustard dressing)
              16 oz water
8:00 pm Michele Deradune's house: bowl of Durian (first time trying it, pretty darn good)
11:00 pm bite of pineapple 

Exercise: None.

July 24, 2004, Saturday (Day 205) Going Home

I set my alarm on my cell phone for 6:30 am so I could have a lot of time to visit my mom at the hospital before I went to meet my friend Ruth, for a visit and a tarot card/stone reading. Unfortunately, for the second time this week, the alarm didn't go off - so bizarre, as the alarm icon is there when I go to bed, but when I sat up at 7:30 am and looked at the phone, it was gone. Maybe the universe was giving me permission to sleep in a bit. I visited Mom shortly and then ran by Whole Foods for what has become somewhat of a routine for me this week - a wheatgrass shot and a citrus juice. I'll miss that when I return home. I can't wait for Whole Foods or Wild Oats to come to Rogers, a town near where I live in Arkansas, so I can get this more often - or maybe I'll have to invest in a Wheateena one day. Shocking that I'd actually consider doing wheatgrass every day, even if it is just an ounce or two. Man, I've changed. 

Anyway, had a reading and a nice visit with my friend, who's moving to San Francisco in September - so glad I got to see her before she left. My reading was good - what came of it is that at this moment in my life, 

1.) I should not leave Arkansas (possibility of moving to New York had come up in the past), but moving into a smaller, more affordable home is a wise next step; 
2.) I should not let money lead my decisions in my career or accept any major changes to my job (beware of promotion opportunities) 
3.) nature is very important to me - I should not live somewhere where nature isn't all around me, no matter how much I might save financially; 
4.) I will be traveling quite a bit, and much of it will be to help my family (I'm going to be teaching my mom how to eat raw, juice, prepare foods, take care of her health)
5.) It will take a year to get over the breakup with Boni; 
6.) I will be alone and live like a "hermit," but need to find balance with social activities and hobbies

After my visit with Ruth, I went to my old 12 step CoDA meeting. Only 4 people showed up, which I thought was pretty interesting of the universe to have happen. I couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't a sign that CoDA was very important at one point in my life, but now I have the skills I need to cope through trying times, like the ones I'm currently in. Who knows...

I only had about 4 hours til my flight, and wanted to spend it with my mom. However, I was starving and didn't feel like doing something "to go" and taking it to the hospital to eat in front of a woman who just had her stomach removed. So I took myself to Fresh Choice, a place I had never been, but heard was wonderful. I have to say, I wasn't that impressed. If you're going there to eat bread and pasta and dessert, maybe it would be somewhere fantastic. But given that all I had was the salad bar and a bowl of their Vegan soup, I'd rate it just ok. The one thing I thought was brilliant, though, is the fact that they label everything, every single item, as vegetarian, Vegan, low-carb, etc. THAT is great! Really helped as I was trying to decide on the various items. It's just ironic that a place called "Fresh Choice" would have so much breads, pastries, and desserts. But whatever gets people to eat more salad, I guess is a good thing. 

I went to the hospital and stayed with my mom for a few hours before I headed to the airport. It was sad to say goodbye, and for the first time, I really felt like she needed me there. I was really torn leaving, but know I needed to get back to my life too. 

I got a smoothie at the airport from Amy's Ice Cream. It was lousy, cause the raspberry seeds were thick and hard to get through. In Dallas, I had just minutes between landing and when my next plane boarded. But I was starving! So I went to Frullati and got a tomato florentine soup, a garden salad and a strawberry banana smoothie. I scarfed it quickly before we took off - there was some pasta in the tomato florentine and I was so hungry, I ate it all. First pasta since going raw, but I'm ok with it, it was just a little bit.  The plane was 30 minutes delayed in taking off, so I got into Northwest Arkansas late. It's so good to be home. I've missed my house, my puppies, my life. (Pictures below were taken by me out the plane window, flying from Dallas to  Arkansas.)



PS I notice I'm really hungry today, craving crap cooked - I'm sure it's cause I was going from one environment to another - lifestyle changes, etc. I didn't cave the whole time I was on this trip, but had a few times that I wanted to. That was a really successful trip eating-wise!

Food Intake:
9:30 am Whole Foods: 1 oz wheatgrass juice
              24 oz Vibrant C Blend Juice (orange juice, pineapple juice, banana, ice, Vitamin C)
1:30 pm Fresh Choice: large plate of salad: romaine, tomatoes, corn, peas, mushrooms, sunflower seeds, green pepper, raisins, black olives, hard boiled egg crumbles
             bowl of vegan Summer Squash soup
             2 bites of plain baked potato
             small bowl cantaloupe, bite of watermelon
             16 oz water
3:30 pm 8 oz water
4:00 pm Amy's Ice Cream at the Austin airport: 16 oz fruit smoothie: banana, strawberries, organic apple juice, blueberries, raspberries
5:45 pm glass of orange juice on plane (Minute Maid, which I'm pretty sure means it's pasteurized)
             Frullati at the Dallas airport: bowl of Tomato Florentine soup
             medium garden salad: romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, Buttermilk Ranch dressing
             24 oz. fruit smoothie: banana, strawberry, orange juice
10:30 pm small handful brazil nuts
 
Exercise: Airport walking.

July 25, 2004, Sunday (Day 206) Back to My Life

Well, I'm back home. It felt good to be in my own bed, in a house where the smells are my own, back to nature, back to my life. I took it very easy today, just doing things around the house, like cleaning and refilling all of my bird feeders, deadheading some of the plants on the deck, catching up on email and journal updates, juicing 17 apples so I'd have apple juice to make fruit smoothies, cutting up veggies for my salads this week. I also went into town to my office to weigh in, since I hadn't been on a scale in more than a week. I actually lost two pounds on vacation, woohoo!! I went to the Produce Barn and Harp's to get veggies, fruits and some decaf tea bags. 

Have I mentioned how much I adore having fresh veggies in the back yard? Here's an assortment of veggies I picked today. Boni's the one who still maintains them, and I'm so grateful for that. 


Today, I realized how much I've been changing since going raw. Wow, I tried a durian, I started eating guacamole (never liked avocados), started eating raw mushrooms, my allergy to lemons went away, actually purchase wheatgrass juice, and so many other things that are actually good for me. It's so shocking. You all do realize that I was a junk food, fast food, crap cooked, SAD eater, whose idea of vitamins were the candy-flavored Flintstones chewables I took as a kid. I'm so proud of the progress I've made. Whether I'm raw or just a healthy eater, I've changed and will never go back. 

Food Intake:
12:30 pm fruit smoothie: frozen banana, pear, squeezed apple juice (drank half now, which was one glass full)
1:00 pm fruit smoothie: frozen banana, pear, apple juice (drank other half, which was one glass full)
2:30 pm homemade tomato vegetable soup: tomatoes, green pepper, green onion, potato, frozen corn, carrots, vegan bouillon cube, "natural" sea salt, random spices (veggies steamed first, then added to food-processed tomatoes boiling on stove with bouillon cube, salt and other spices)
4:30 pm large salad: romaine, carrots, celery, grape tomatoes, green pepper, radish, walnuts, raisins, Ken's Country French dressing
5:30 pm 6 strawberries, 6 grapes
             fruit smoothie: squeezed apple juice, strawberries, frozen banana (one large glass full - yum!)

Exercise: None (have to get back into the routine of exercising again!)

Weight - 243 lbs - total weight loss 67 pounds